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Original poster

Husband and his social life

26 replies

Gummygummygumdrops · 04/04/2015 10:21

I've been with my husband for 8 years, married for 2.

When we first got together he didn't have many friends and I was some what a social butterfly. I would have a very good balance between seeing my friends and seeing him whereas when I was seeing friends he would just spend time alone.

Over the years this has changed, he has formed a solid group of friends, and about 2 years ago they started going the pub every Friday! (Absolutely fine!) whereas my friends are moving away, having babies and we don't see each other as often.

In the past few months he has started seeing his friends more and more and now it seems we can go 2 weeks without spending one evening with each other. On Monday he plays darts with one friend, Tuesday pool with another, Wednesday football, Thursday I might see a friend, Friday is pub night. I just feel like I spend every evening sitting on the sofa alone.

We both work very busy jobs and he works weekends and I work week days.

How would you bring this up?

OP posts:
Icimoi · 04/04/2015 10:33

My question is not so much how you would bring this up but when. Do you ever meet? Isn't that the starting point: DH, we practically never see each other, could we plan to have at least four evenings a week together, including weekends?

Icimoi · 04/04/2015 10:33

Sorry, I meant weekend evenings there.

SlaggyIsland · 04/04/2015 10:39

That sounds quite grim actually, I'd wonder what the point of the relationship was.

Original poster
Gummygummygumdrops · 04/04/2015 11:03

He has a very strong best friend and I think there is a bit of a pack mentality, in that they feel they have to go out. For example last night we went to visit a family member and didn't get back until 9pm! I made dinner and suggested that maybe he didn't go out to see his friends, however his phone then started to ring, then text messages of pictures of beer!
These are not children either but 30 year old men!

We don't have children yet however that was the reason I joined this site as that is our next step as a couple.

OP posts:
UghReally · 04/04/2015 11:05

I'd hate that.... 2 weeks without one evening together? not on

0ldF0x · 04/04/2015 11:13

The situation has not worked out for you. Your wings have been 'clipped' (not necessarily by him per se but the situation has clipped your wings). While he seems to have gained confidence from being in a couple but it's a confidence he uses in a single way.. iyswim.

My x didn't have so many friends but I was the same when I met him, I'd lots of friends but over the years women put their children first and so I was the one with nowhere to go and he was off out indulging all his geeky hobbies. He had about three hobbies that took up a lot of time. And, as a single man with few friends, he mightn't have had the confidence to push himself forward in a socially confident way if he hadn't been with me, half of a couple, "nnormal" but he drainned my energy and curtailed my opportunities and I was stuck at home with kids.

What I would have loved would ahve been if he'd made a lot of effort with my friends, made them welcome at our house, invited some of the friends he met through his hobbies home to our house and helped 'host' with the expecation that we would all get on. I'm not talking about couply couply stuff. Just an expectation that I would get on with his friends and he with mine. But he wasn't motivated to make that work, he preferred to compartmentalise

Icimoi · 04/04/2015 11:21

You need to ask him how serious he actually is about having children, because if you do he will need to start putting you and the children ahead of his mates.

Jokerstotheright · 04/04/2015 11:25

I would have thought the norm was the other way round. When I met exh he socialised regularly and enjoyed nights out with the boys then gradually he spent more time with me and lost interest in going to the pub or would leave early to come home.

It sounds a bit childish really with the photos of beer. But certain types of men put a lot of pressure on each other to drink a lot and not be 'under the thumb' even in the 21st century.

I would not be happy at all. What kind of partnership do you have? What does he think about the situation?

Original poster
Gummygummygumdrops · 04/04/2015 11:32

Our relationship is and has always been amazing! We communicate really well, phone each other numerous times a day, happy, he is loving!

There is definitely an under the thumb culture. It's always 'won't the wife let you out to play.' His friends are all in relationships but he sees a different one every night.

OP posts:
popalot · 04/04/2015 11:34

I'd worry about the amount of drinking he's doing.

RoboticSealpup · 04/04/2015 11:40

"I made dinner and suggested that maybe he didn't go out to see his friends, however his phone then started to ring, then text messages of pictures of beer!"

You're fucking kidding. Beer, oh yay, how exciting. Hmm What's with British men and their damn beer and pub nights? Do they never grow out of this phase?

Maliceaforethought · 04/04/2015 12:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Icimoi · 04/04/2015 12:58

Does he really have to see his friends separately every week? Would it hurt to make it fortnightly, or to meet them at lunchtimes, or to meet a group of them together?

Original poster
Gummygummygumdrops · 04/04/2015 14:56

You are all right! I have never said much as I don't want to be the controlling wife who stops him from going and I feel it is really important to have a balance with friends also I value independence. I however feel that now it is impacting on our relationship together.

A further problem might be that I do work most evenings so he sees it as well I am doing work anyway so there's no point in staying in so maybe I need to look at that balance.

I also didn't mention that if I do say anything he will say come along but I feel uncomfortable sitting with his friends even though I know each of them personally and they are lovely people.

He met these friends really through me, one is the ex of one of my best friends, one is my friends fiancé.

Hmmm lots to think about.

OP posts:
googoodolly · 04/04/2015 15:15

I would not be okay with this. There needs to be a balance somewhere and your DH doesn't really seem to care about spending time with you at the moment. I mean, he's being swayed by photos of beer at 9pm Hmm and would rather go out every night than spend any alone time with you.

You say you work in the evenings, why don't you sit him down and say how you're feeling and tell him he needs to cut back on the nights out, and you'll cut back on the work and spend those evenings together instead. So say, he goes out 3-4 nights a week, and the other nights, you stay in as a couple. When he's out, you can get some work done and that frees up time for you when he's not out as well.

Good luck!

Northernparent68 · 04/04/2015 18:13

If you re working in the evenings what difference does it make whether your husband goes out ? What's the point of him staying in if you won't be there ?

Original poster
Gummygummygumdrops · 04/04/2015 18:39

By working I mean working on the sofa marking books! Not actually going out to work.

OP posts:
Shodan · 04/04/2015 18:58

It sounds as if you do need to sit down and agree a couple of/few evenings every week when you will spend the time together- without friends, without work.

Something kind of similar happened with us- DH was always on the laptop working- or even asleep!- and still thinking it counted as spending time with me. It really doesn't, because his attention was elsewhere. It felt a bit lonely, tbh. It may be that your husband feels the same. Fortunately I had a talk with him and spelled it out and we now balance it out better.

Flipchart · 04/04/2015 19:22

If you feel uncomfortable about bringing the conversation up why not try to scupper some of his plans and actively make plans. For example ask if he wants to go out to a gig /meal /film and go ahead and book.

You need to be a couple again.

Fanfeckintastic · 04/04/2015 19:34

Ah that's madness, especially as a couple without children! These should be your best years as a couple!

Original poster
Gummygummygumdrops · 04/04/2015 20:23

We had a chat tonight. He said he didn't realise it had escalated so much and that because I didn't say anything he didn't realise it was an issue. He did say however that me working in the evenings means that when he does stay in I don't really chat to him or even communicate.

He feels as though if he says no to a friend he is letting them down as he has become the always available guy. I said he needs to stand up to them more and explain that time with me is important too especially due to our working patterns meaning we don't get full days together.

He is going to try and cut down and I am going to make one evening completely free of work and try to finish by 8.30pm.

Thanks for the advice

OP posts:
SolidGoldBrass · 04/04/2015 20:27

Yes, you need to 'give' as well. It's not really on to insists he stays at home to watch you sit and work! However if you both compromise and communicate it should be OK.

Original poster
Gummygummygumdrops · 04/04/2015 20:31

Before I posted on here I was thinking it was all his fault but writing it has actually made me realise that although he is going out far too much I need to realise that staying in with me might not be a barrel of laughs either and we both need to compromise! Well done mumsnet!

OP posts:
0ldF0x · 04/04/2015 20:36

ASk him if he's brave enough to tell his friends that he wants to spend more time with you. It shouldn't take bravery! Confused

Tell him that if he's scared to just say that, then their perspective on what's healthy and normal is immature and that shouldn't be dragged in to your relationship.

justonemoretime2p · 04/04/2015 22:53

When you say you work in the evenings marking work on the sofa it reminds me of me (male) and DP (female) she works some evenings and is very happy sitting on the sofa with the TV on in the background working.
I'm not a fan of just sitting and watching what's on so I used to go out and do other things, eventually she told me she would like it if I was around when she was working even if we couldn't be talking and doing things together.
Now we sit together she works and I watch things on a tablet with headphones on or read and listen to music. I had absolutely no idea that she would like me to just be here until she told me.
Maybe he needs to find something to do quietly in the same room as you that he enjoys. Good luck OP, been with my DP almost 6 years , not married and your story struck a chord.

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