To bring up my abuse all these years later?

[thesleepthief]

I'll try and keep this as short as possible.
I was abused by another little girl from about ages 5-7 I never thought of it as abuse as we played it like a 'game' she moved away when I was about 7 but the boundaries for right and wrong had been crossed so often that I thought this way of 'playing' normal. I went on to play this 'game' with other children including a cousin around my age (she's about a year younger) and I have no idea when it all stopped or how long it all went on for its all a bit of a haze.
I assume that the first child who abused me was abused by an adult at some point but other than that I have no one to blame.
I feel incredible guilt that I could have hurt others by what happened to me. I blocked it all out for a while but when it all came back in my mind as a teenager and I realised the gravity of what had happened I couldn't cope. I went in a downward spiral of drinking and drugs until I got my life sorted and met Dh.
We have two lovely dc's now but I still harbor a lot of guilt and anxiety about it all and wonder if it's worth telling my parents what happened but this would involve dragging my cousin and other people into it all. I tried talking to my cousin about it once (I just asked if she remembered anything strange happening between us as children) and she said she didn't know what I was talking about so obviously doesn't want to talk about it. We have a good relationship and often see each other.

AIBU to open up this can of worms?

No I wouldn't. I also used to play wierd games and doctor dictor. Honestly don't think about it, you were only kids. No point bringing it up now as it would be seriously awkward.

That's what Dh said. It was more than 'playing doctors' but I know it would be awkward.
Some part of me wants to apologise to her but I know that would only ease my own guilt and do nothing for her really. So should I just put it out of my mind?
Dh has told me to just focus on the now and forgive myself as I was only a child but I can't help feeling anxiety about it all.

I think if I were you I would try and seek counselling either through the gp or privately and talk things through first.

Honestly nativity I don't know if I could actually say it all out loud. I only told Dh a few months ago which may be why it's all come to a head now and even then I wrote it all down for him as I'd been having a hard time and wanted to explain to him why. I have anxiety problems too and mild ocd which don't help. I keep replaying events over in my head and can't just enjoy life.

I think you need to see a GP about anxiety - because I think that's the root of your problem. Anxiety is insidious - it lurks inside you and looks around for something to attach to and it's found something in you. Actually what you 'did' is what a lot of children do and really I don't think it's abuse. It's exploring being human. I hope you get some peace because eating yourself up about something so long ago is rather pointless - talk to someone about anxiety and if needs be try meds or CBT or something. Good luck.

I have thought about CBT. I suppose it's all about first steps and making that doctors appointment. Thank you

yes I would also recommend trying to access counselling. while it's not unusual for kids to play games like this it's obviously has quite a negative impact on you and that's worth addressing for your own peace of mind. it is quite possible your cousin doesn't remember at all or doesn't care. a bit of counselling will help you organise your thoughts and decide what to do next. I recently disclosed sexual abuse and it's been tough on me and the person I disclosed to, but we're getting there. having had a lot of counselling in the past has definitely helped me deal with the last couple of weeks. for you, it's not easy stuff to think about.

Therapy through your go might be a good idea to help you through this. Give your gp (and a therapist / counselor if you get one) the letter to read if you cannot say it aloud.

A similar thing happened to me. I was sexually abused by an older boy at school when I was eight. For years I tried to rationalise it and explain it away as "kids experimenting" etc, but it has profoundly damaged my sexuality and my relationships as an adult to the point where I thought I would never be able to sustain a normal healthy relationship. I started seeing a psychotherapist at the start of the year to look at this stuff, and although it can be really hard, it's so helpful. I finally feel as if there can be a way for me to feel like a "proper woman" (whatever one of those is!) I'm learning techniques to reframe what happened to me back then so that I can live with it better, and it's so valuable.

So my advice to you is to seek out a properly-qualified therapist you can talk to about this stuff. You might well have to pay for this- my experience of trying to get help via the NHS was terrible, perhaps it would be better where you are, but it's very important to find the right person, who you can trust and whose way of working works well for you. I'd recommend doing this before you start thinking of bringing stuff up with the people involved - however you do this, it will be hugely difficult and draining and you'll need the kind of neutral support a good therapist can provide.

And you are definitely not wrong to want to address this stuff years after it's happened- I know better than most how this kind of thing can fester and affect you years down the line. There's a book by Dr Nina Burrowes that I found very helpful, you can read it for free online, "the courage to be me." Ive found that really helpful while coming to terms with this stuff.

Wishing you all the best with whatever you decide to do. It's a really courageous thing to want to reflect on the stuff that happened in your past and I admire you for it. Good luck!

This is less about what the girl did to you but what you did with the other children. You feel this extreme guilt and worry there could be someone out there, who feels the same way about you that you do for that little girl that touched you.

It is called a cycle of abuse for a reason. I would recommend counselling urgently and yes you should forgive yourself.

Thanks everyone.
Thank you for sharing your story madame I think counselling is the only option at this point other than talking to everyone involved. It absolutely is Rebecca I agree. The guilt is so much worse than the grief and it's that part that I find hard to live with.

All children, or at least most, left to their own devices will play these intimate games with one another to some degree. Your 'abuser' was just a tiny little girl who was no different to you. Why do you label her as an as abuser and blame her for the 'abuse' you then went on to instigate with someone else, yet you see yourself as an innocent victim? How would you feel if your younger cousin started to make a fuss about your 'sexual abuse' of her and wanted to make a big deal of it now? Arey ou just going to deflect all the blame onto the first child?

Why do you assume your 'abuser' was herself 'abused' by an adult? You 'abused' your younger cousin, but you weren't corrupted by any adults. I played these games at around the same age with my cousin (same aged boy) but no adult ever abused me or him, to my knowledge. Neither of us have never mentioned it or been scarred by it because we clearly both see it for what it was - harmless, innocent experimentation. No-one was corrupted, no-one was exploited, no-one was forced or coerced, no-one was damaged. We were both small children. Neither of us abused the other.

The fact you slid into drink and drugs is probably nothing to do with any of this and I think you are placing too much emphasis on it, when perhaps you should be looking elsewhere for reasons and places to lay blame for your own failures. Not at the feet of a five year old child for doing things you are guilty of doing yourself, if guilty is even the appropriate word.

I used to play weird games with my school friend too around the same age. Quite sexualised and when I think back on it I feel very strange about it. I haven't thought about it for ages actually until I read this thread!

Was she your age or older? I think if you were the same age it sounds like experimentation that is honesty really common. If she was a fair bit older then I can see why you feel like it was abusive. If your cousin either has no memory or doesn't want to discuss it then I certainly wouldn't be opening this can of worms to your family. Private counselling however sounds like the way forward.

I used to play similar games with other little girls my age. I feel no guilt and don't give it a second's thought. I definitely don't attach the label of abuse to it.
I hope you find some peace of mind with this.

I never once said I blamed her, I didn't say she was an abuser either. I know to a certain extent these games are considered childhood play but this definitely wasn't just that. I assumed there must have been an adult involved for her to know about such things at a young age but feel no ill towards her at all it was just a very sad situation that caused a cycle of abuse as someone has previously said. To be honest crossfit I absolutely do feel that way about what happened and that's obviously why I feel a huge amount of guilt, I wanted to bring it up to approach my cousin to apologise I suppose or to gain some closure from the situation but I know that's selfish so counselling sounds like a good option.
I'm glad you don't feel damaged at all crossfit but unfortunately I do.

I played odd sexualised games with a friend and I experienced a close relative acting out her abuse on me. They are very different things. Op, I believe you.

My relative ( Not a cousin) recently opened the door to discussing it and a lot of thingscame flooding back. I've shut the door firmly on any discussion. She was a child and I don't blame her but I don't want to revisit it.

I agree with others about counselling and hope you get to a place where you can forgive yourself as you did nothing intentionally wrong.

No sebsmummy we were around the same age. It's hard to explain I suppose without going into detail which I don't really want to on here. I'm sorry if I've dragged up any old memories for anyone or offended anyone with this thread it was never my intention. Just after some advice and perspective.

Crossfit,
Your post sickened me and I have reported it.
Thesleeptheif,
Please don't justify yourself.
Phyco therapy might be a good place to start

I was abused by another little girl from about ages 5-7….the boundaries for right and wrong had been crossed so often that I thought this way of 'playing' normal. I went on to play this 'game' with other children including a cousin around my age…...I assume that the first child who abused me was abused by an adult at some point but other than that I have no one to blame.

I'm sorry but that reads as you calling her an abuser and blaming her for the cycle of events that led to you 'abusing' (in your eyes) someone else, whatever way you want to read it.

It's entirely possible that she was exposed to some explicit and inappropriate stuff, but it's not a forgone conclusion. I agree with the PPs that you should seek some counselling.

Thank you littletabby yes there is definitely a difference.
I apologise if my post came across as blaming a little girl as it absolutely wasn't my intention I just wanted to know if it was too late to bring it up now. I'm not looking to blame a little girl for anything. Just gain closure on a subject that has made me uncomfortable for a long time.

I said I was abused, and I absolutely do feel that way. That doesn't in any way mean I blame her for that, she was a little girl who was as clueless as me of what she was doing but it doesn't change the way I feel. I'm truly sorry if I've offended you though. I'm not really sure how else to word it but I don't blame her at all.

Like Littletabby, I know what you mean.
I used to play these games with the boy who lived next door to my gran. It was all quite giggly mummy and daddy let's show ourself our bits and make star shapes stuff.

At the childminder's house, there was a girl who was two years older than me who would engage in incredible secrecy about sexual games, want me to do oral on her and then tell me I was disgusting and if she ever told anyone how much I loved 'doing' her the police would come and take me away from my family as I was an 'animal'. She had a brother of 15 who would come into her bed at night while I was there and I would hear him doing things. He never did it to me but he exposed himself to me and masturbated in the same room as us.

One is normal. One is not. I told my parents at about fifteen when I was seriously freaked and anxious about it all, and they laughed it off, assuming I guess that what I was talking abouy was like the first instance.

Kids can enact abuse on eachother.

Sorry for your experience duplo yes there is a big difference between the two. It was more than just ill show you mine if you show me yours kids stuff.
I think I'll just leave everyone out of it for now and seek some counselling.

I hope being so explicit wasn't tough for you, but I've talked about this before on here and there can be a tendency for people to assume that all children who play intimate games do so willingly and with a spirit of exploration of healthy sexuality. What makes abuse damaging is not really the physical act, it's the coercion. Coercion, across all of human behaviour whether sexual or not, is what distinguishes healthy and unhealthy behaviour.

The sick feeling I get when I remember what happened has nothing to do with the physical specifics of what happened on those overnighters. It has to do with how I was shamed and made to feel fear and disgust about myself in the context of sexual activity, and worries about whether it had damaged me. It is NEVER about the actual activity... And I have no doubt she was just making sense of her own experience through acting it out with me. I bear no anger to her, but it was not okay or just playful experimentation.

No its ok duplo I think your honestly is courageous. I'm not ready to go into detail what happened but yes I agree it's more about the setting than the act. I don't know how I feel about it all. I don't suppose I can really say she was abused without any facts but if one of my children displayed behaviour like that I would be seriously concerned and would think there was abuse going on somewhere. Maybe she was just exposed to adult material but is that not a form of abuse in itself?