To bring up my abuse all these years later?

[thesleepthief]

I'll try and keep this as short as possible.
I was abused by another little girl from about ages 5-7 I never thought of it as abuse as we played it like a 'game' she moved away when I was about 7 but the boundaries for right and wrong had been crossed so often that I thought this way of 'playing' normal. I went on to play this 'game' with other children including a cousin around my age (she's about a year younger) and I have no idea when it all stopped or how long it all went on for its all a bit of a haze.
I assume that the first child who abused me was abused by an adult at some point but other than that I have no one to blame.
I feel incredible guilt that I could have hurt others by what happened to me. I blocked it all out for a while but when it all came back in my mind as a teenager and I realised the gravity of what had happened I couldn't cope. I went in a downward spiral of drinking and drugs until I got my life sorted and met Dh.
We have two lovely dc's now but I still harbor a lot of guilt and anxiety about it all and wonder if it's worth telling my parents what happened but this would involve dragging my cousin and other people into it all. I tried talking to my cousin about it once (I just asked if she remembered anything strange happening between us as children) and she said she didn't know what I was talking about so obviously doesn't want to talk about it. We have a good relationship and often see each other.

AIBU to open up this can of worms?

Duplodon, you have it exactly right, though I'm so sorry for the experiences you've had that have led you to that insight.

It is, but to an extent that doesn't matter. Your mind is a problem solving machine trying to make sense of troubling experiences right now. I would recommend some quality therapy and also mindfulness to support you in not fixating on thoughts, memories and associations when they arise. This won't always dominate your thinking or experience. I can be very forthright about it now because I don't see it as being so personal any more, it's just part of my history and I don't identify with it anymore.

I know what you mean - I knew a girl who was oversexualised and wanted to act out all sorts of stuff. Not the average doctors and nurses stuff. Looking back I think she must have been abused in some way. However, although I feel some embarassment I don't feel shame as I was just a child too. But you should def seek counselling because it makes you feel guilty and you shouldn't feel that way.

Rationally you know that but your feelings are one of a victim of abuse. And you were, by proxy. Exposure to adult material is still a form of sexual abuse. I wouldn't discuss it with your cousin or this other girl if you still know her tho. Better to leave them to deal with it the way they want to. Just go and have your own counselling. You have nothing to feel guilty about, even if you then went on and did it with your cousin. It's what children do when they experience oversexualisation at an early age.

That sounds very healthy duplo and I admire you for that. I think I need to work on myself a bit and get into a better place mentally before making any decisions on wether to approach it. Thank you everyone.