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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask what, in your opinion, makes a "good mother"

63 replies

DaphneMoon1 · 04/04/2015 00:33

I was watching Jeremy Kyle the other day (I know, I know, IABU for that alone. It's a guilty mat leave pleasure...) and one of the guests made a comment along the lines of "I pride myself on being an amazing mother".

Dubious source aside, her comment got me thinking: what makes a good mother? I thought this probably means different things to different people. I would be really interested to hear your views.

For me, I think it's the ability to recognise that as much as you adore your child, he or she is not perfect and is perfectly capable of bad behaviour - maybe being mean or rude or disruptive at times - and taking appropriate action. Obviously there is more to it than just that, but I think it's important.

OP posts:
hiddenhome · 04/04/2015 00:44

Love, discipline and guidance.

duplodon · 04/04/2015 00:48

Mainly being present, being aware of and responsive to what your child needs (as opposed to what they might want), and doing what matters most in the context of their development and your lives at any given point in time.

I think it's about a dynamic and a relationship, not a skill set... So if you start saying you are amazing as a mother, you're sort of saying you're amazing as a person, and making it about your own ego... Which more or less means you're probably not going to be present with and for you kids, aware of and responsive to their needs or fully able to engage with doing what matters most. I imagine most women who say they are amazing mothers are either a bit narcissistic or very defensive and insecure in a situation.

drinkscabinet · 04/04/2015 01:09

Love. Plus enough stability in your own life to look after your children's physical needs adequately.

GloGirl · 04/04/2015 01:21

What duplodon said, almost done exactly. Although I would not have put it so eloquently!

florentina1 · 04/04/2015 08:15

A good mother gives a child the skills and knowledge to cope with life. She gives a child a strong moral sense and the tools and stamina to do what is right even in difficult circumstances.

Having given these things to her child, she then stands back and gives the child the freedom to put them into practice.

She does not judge negatively the child's life choices and she ensures that no matter what path the child takes, she will offers comfort and support.

lottieandmias · 04/04/2015 08:18

What makes a good mother is unconditional love, no matter what. Never undermining your child's feelings, and supporting your child to be independent and to give them the tools to believe in themselves and that they don't need you forever to be successful.

lottieandmias · 04/04/2015 08:19

I agree with diplodon too.

DulcetMoans · 04/04/2015 08:23

I don't disagree with any of the above but I think on JK (also a guilty pleasure!) they sometimes say they are a good mother simply because they provide those basic needs - shelter, food, clothes - and they aren't on drugs. They are, of course, essential. But they aren't everything that is needed.

I'm not saying the mums on JK aren't providing everything mentioned above, I just think from the context of the conversations on there they are talking very literally.

whattheseithakasmean · 04/04/2015 08:25

I would think not going on Jeremy Kyle would be a start...

Anyone who says 'I am amazing..' anything, makes me think 'I'll be the judge of that'.

I am always suspicious of anyone who says 'I am so sensitive/kind/clever/great mother'. In my view, if you really are, it will become apparent without you having to tell everyone.

So a good mother wouldn't big herself up for being a good mother Smile

DixieNormas · 04/04/2015 08:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

VixxFace · 04/04/2015 08:30

Stability
guidance
always being there
listening
putting your child first
love

KERALA1 · 04/04/2015 08:31

Emotionally intelligent. Strong, consistent, loving. Puts child's needs first. Lots of women are people pleasers - you need to put that aside once you have children.

foreverton · 04/04/2015 08:39

In my opinion, being a good mum is also being able to recognise that sometimes you have to think of yourself a bit too.
My ds is being bullied at school and I've been pro active dealing with it but under the surface I've crumbled, fell apart and am feeling guilty as I chose the school.

I think that sometimes you have to look after yourself properly or you cannot look after your dc. I've been guilty in the past of spoiling them or making excuses for certain behaviours.

I recognise that my dc can be little sods now and then and I know that I've drummed it into them( older one more so ) that he can come to me over anything and talk about anything.

Food/shelter/clothing aside, I believe love, stability, routine are all important, to us, everyone is different and I don't doubt that I'm doing my best:)

Roussette · 04/04/2015 08:50

I think those on JK who say they are an amazing mother... probably aren't. Because they may well follow it up with "I gave my kids everything they wanted".

Some parents think that if you shower your kids with expensive clothes and possessions, they are a good parent. Nope, not true.

A good parent gives their child time.

(And maybe not being on JK would help especially if it's "My baby's father could be any one of 10 men" Grin )

Balaboosta · 04/04/2015 08:54

*Mainly being present, being aware of and responsive to what your child needs (as opposed to what they might want), and doing what matters most in the context of their development and your lives at any given point in time.

I think it's about a dynamic and a relationship, not a skill set... So if you start saying you are amazing as a mother, you're sort of saying you're amazing as a person, anMainly being present, being aware of and responsive to what your child needs (as opposed to what they might want), and doing what matters most in the context of their development and your lives at any given point in time.

I think it's about a dynamic and a relationship, not a skill set.*

^^ What duplodon said

Box5883284322679964228 · 04/04/2015 09:10

A good mothers child will feel treasured, loved, accepted, have stable boundaries, will spend quality time with his mum, will be encouraged to blossom and will be listened to. All of these have nothing to do with wealth and material possessions.

Two western society add ons. A good mother will read with her child often and nourish with (mostly) good food. I know these are controversial and difficult to achieve if the mother wasn't read to and lived solely on unhealthy food as a child but nourishment and future health do go hand in hand, while reading and educational potential also go hand in hand. Future health and future educational achievements

spudholes · 04/04/2015 09:12

love, guidance, discipline, stability and support.

aprilanne · 04/04/2015 09:15

unconditional love and support .and always doing your best .not being perfect just doing your best

BlinkAndMiss · 04/04/2015 09:17

Putting your child's needs before everything else, especially when that need is not particularly welcomed by the child. Teaching respect and dignity and equipping them to be independent and happy adults who treat others with kindness and respect. Teaching that following boundaries is not a negative thing and teaching when it is appropriate to challenge certain boundaries, rather than rebelling against authority or sitting back and being walked on.

Being there in a heartbeat, for any reason and at any time.

LotusLight · 04/04/2015 09:19

Much the same as a good father - love, care, tolerance, guidance, humour, being happy and as a feminist I would add working full time in a high paid career too as a good example to your children.

Littlemonstersrule · 04/04/2015 09:23

Lotus, that's a great way of putting it. I'd only add providing hobbies, experiences etc as they make a person more rounded and benefit future employment.

katese11 · 04/04/2015 09:24

I think it's recognising what works for your family and doing that rather than feeling like you have to do what anyone else says especially in the realm of working vs SAHMing

chosenone · 04/04/2015 09:32

Teaching them to be independent, to enforce boundaries, to show them love and respect.To make sacrafises that will benefit the child i.e selflessness. Time. Affection.

Shodan · 04/04/2015 09:32

I imagine most women who say they are amazing mothers are either a bit narcissistic or very defensive and insecure in a situation

So true, imo. My mother is very fond of telling us what a good mother she is. But in our opinion (5 sibs and me) she was/is barely average (think belittling, hitting, extreme narc tendencies etc)

I think the mark of a good mother is that if she's asked if she's one, she'll say 'I try'. Only her children can say if she's a good mother or not.

Believe your children are fantastic human beings- but recognise and acknowledge their faults. Always have their backs. Be strict when necessary, but not harsh. Show your love for them. Pay them the same respect you would any other person- don't dismiss their views because they're young. Believe in them wholeheartedly-but be realistic.

Pyjamaschocolateandwine · 04/04/2015 09:44

Showdan spot on.

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