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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wish I wasn't a straight female?

29 replies

fluffnugget · 03/04/2015 23:18

I have never come across a straight man in a romantic context who hasn't treated me badly in some way... And all the genuinely traumatic things that have happened in my life have been at the hands of straight men.

But despite this I know that I will always crave love and affection from them despite not being able to reconcile with the experiences I've had...

aibu to wish I wasn't straight? I feel like I'm in a situation where I'm destined to forever be hurt and lonely....

OP posts:
CalleighDoodle · 03/04/2015 23:21

Try the freedom programme x

DingleberryFinn · 03/04/2015 23:24

YABU. Get a decent therapist and try some CBT. Flowers

ivykaty44 · 03/04/2015 23:24

I gave up in the end and after seven years a very lovely male found me, I had thought that possibly it would be better if I was gay....I get where you are coming from

WorraLiberty · 03/04/2015 23:25

I'm sure your problems and bad experiences are way more complex than your sexuality.

Besides, some women treat other women very badly too.

I have no advice other than try to focus on the real and possibly more complicated reasons.

There are some absolutely lovely men out there. I'm sorry you haven't experienced them.

ToadsJustFellFromTheSky · 03/04/2015 23:25

YANBU.

Even though I'm not entirely convinced I'm straight (long story...) all the hurt in my life has been at the hands of men.

It's going to take me a while before I trust anyone enough to have a relationship with them.

NeedAnEasterEggForMyGiraffe · 03/04/2015 23:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ChipDip · 03/04/2015 23:29

You need to try some counseling op. There are really good, decent men out there. You just need help to try figure out why you are drawn to the bad ones.

RJnomore · 03/04/2015 23:29

YAbu to wish you are not you.

YANBU to crave love and affection.

You need to come to terms with who you are though, to feel you deserve that.

FarFromAnyRoad · 03/04/2015 23:48

Gay relationships break down too you know. Sometimes in horrid circumstances. Some gay people cheat. Some gay people act like twats in a relationship. Some don't. Just like - errrrr - you know - straight people. Your problem is not with your sexuality - it's with your partner choosing skills.

GraysAnalogy · 03/04/2015 23:49

YABU because you'd face different struggles if you weren't.

YANBU to dislike this situation.

Original poster
fluffnugget · 04/04/2015 00:08

seriously? I find the old trope about 'choosing the wrong men' quite offensive, it suggests that there are decent men all around who i'm ignoring.... and I can say hand on heart this isn't the case. actually, I don't think I have ever turned anyone down dating-wise. I genuinly don't think i'm the one doing the 'choosing'.....

OP posts:
Original poster
fluffnugget · 04/04/2015 00:10

I have had some NHS counselling.. I may have to go private now though which may be hard financially

OP posts:
mamapain · 04/04/2015 00:14

But if you haven't been in a relationship where you are not a straight female, how do you know you wouldn't have equally horrendous experiences?

Presumably the only reason you advent encountered the possibility is because you haven't experienced it at all.

You might say its offensive and implies there are decent men all around you are ignoring but as you are effectively talking about how its difficult or unlikely to find a decent straight male, then thats offensive to most men and presumably most women in straight relationships, or have is my husband some kind of miracle?

If you choose to be in a relationship with someone, and they turn out to be wrong for you, you have, by default, chosen the wrong person.

BackforGood · 04/04/2015 00:24

YABU and pretty offensive to most straight males to make the assumption that you are treated badly because you are a straight female.

I'm sorry you've had your share of poor relationships but making the leap to thinking that all straight men are bad is just ridiculous.

WorraLiberty · 04/04/2015 00:28

I don't think I have ever turned anyone down dating-wise. I genuinly don't think i'm the one doing the 'choosing'.....

And therein possibly lies the problem.

Why have you never turned anyone down for a date? You should be the one doing the choosing. Perhaps giving it more thought? Getting to know them better before accepting?

Who knows, but if the majority (or all) of your dates have been with men, how can you possibly know that your dates with women will go any better?

GraysAnalogy · 04/04/2015 00:28

You find it offensive? Yet you don't find it offensive to tar all straight men with the same brush as well as assuming gay females have it easier?!

WorraLiberty · 04/04/2015 00:28

I don't think I have ever turned anyone down dating-wise. I genuinly don't think i'm the one doing the 'choosing'.....

And therein possibly lies the problem.

Why have you never turned anyone down for a date? You should be the one doing the choosing. Perhaps giving it more thought? Getting to know them better before accepting?

Who knows, but if the majority (or all) of your dates have been with men, how can you possibly know that your dates with women will go any better?

WorraLiberty · 04/04/2015 00:29

Sorry about the double post Hmm

UghReally · 04/04/2015 00:29

The point of the thread isn't OP's sexuality and i dont think she seriously thinks that going lesbian would solve her problems.
I'm absolutely exhausted right now but will come back in the morning to post again.
Have a nice night OP

Original poster
fluffnugget · 04/04/2015 00:33

where have I said that it's easy to be a gay female? Obviously it comes with it's own issues.

I'm trying to say that I can't ever respect or trust a straight man because of past experiences, and feel like if I was gay it would be better for me....

obviously no one is seeing where I'm coming from apart from I think a few posters.

OP posts:
Original poster
fluffnugget · 04/04/2015 00:36

also you all seem to be critical of me/my dating habits without considering that just maybe I have come across many straight men in my life who have been absolute monsters.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 04/04/2015 00:37

Perhaps it would help if you explained why you think being gay would be better for you?

Considering being gay can come with exactly the same relationship issues, I'm afraid I don't understand?

I think you might possibly need to dig deeper into your own past experiences and perhaps seek professional help. That might shed some light on why/how it all went wrong and help you to move forward in a positive way maybe?

BackforGood · 04/04/2015 00:37

...which is why Worra's advice makes such good sense.

GraysAnalogy · 04/04/2015 00:38

So you think being gay would be easier, that's what I got from your posts. You said it would be easier for you.

Like I said you're not unreasonable for feeling how you feel, but the way you project it isn't reasonable.

GraysAnalogy · 04/04/2015 00:39

Yes, I agree with worra