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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not know why I dont feel comfortable about this?

27 replies

MrsFlannel · 03/04/2015 17:29

My neighbour is a lone parent with a two year old dd. She is nice enough but is overly keen on my dds aged ten and seven going round to her house. She used to invite them round for half an hour maybe once a week and they enjoyed it...they like babies and toddlers. Lately this has escalated to almost dsily and whilst the younger dd is often quite keen the older one isnt. If she says no thank you the neighbour looks hurt ....she also asks my older dd "whats wrong? You know you can talk to me if you want." qhich bothers me

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Original poster
MrsFlannel · 03/04/2015 17:36

sorry posted too soon. It bothers me because if dd aged ten has a problem then it is up to me to talk to her! problem is that i have probably given neighbor too much leeway and its going to be hard to back off. In the past I have tried ignoring her knocking...and then she asks me what she has done wrong and looks hurt. This morning as dh was going out to work dd2 went out to wave annd neighbour came out....resulting in dh letting dd go round there...at 8.45! She just knicked and I answred and told her no the girls could not play as they were watcging a film and again...all hurt looking! WHY is she so keen and how to back off when the relationship is cordial?

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TripTrapTripTrapOverTheBridge · 03/04/2015 17:40

Talk to her. Have you ever been round yourself either on your own or with your children? I certainly should hope so...

Maybe you could go with your dds more often?

Is she perhaps lonely and wanting some fun company or seeing your daughters as socialisation for her toddler daughter? If she hasn't got anyone else,any friends or family suitable or around that could be why.

Or there are other possibilities.

So,the question is,have you been in her house and do you ever visit with your daughters?

summerlovingliz · 03/04/2015 17:50

I bet it's coz they entertain the toddler and she gets a bit of a break.. Agree though, it sounds like it's far to full on and tricky to manage..

Original poster
MrsFlannel · 03/04/2015 17:58

Trip yes I have been round....Im sure she does feel lonely at times but she is relying on us too much I think....it feels intrusive.

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Original poster
MrsFlannel · 03/04/2015 18:00

Trip it's not something I want to do particularly...go round there I mean. i have done of course but I don't see why I should continue the routine of my DDs going round there so often when I don't want them to...I can't put my finger on why...I suppose that's what I'm asking for?

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jelliebelly · 03/04/2015 18:03

Talk to her about it

Original poster
MrsFlannel · 03/04/2015 18:04

Jellie her over the top reactions are sort of putting me off that...she's SO emotional. She cried when I told her we were moving next year. We've only know her for ten months!

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KurriKurri · 03/04/2015 18:04

HOw long has she been living there - is she new to the area and doesn;t know many people? I agree she is using your DDs to entertain her toddler, which isn't on - or at least not on the amount she is doing it, and it sounds as if your DD's are getting a bit fed up.

Are there any local playgroups, mum and toddler groups etc you could encourage her to go to - she needs to have friends who have children the same age, then they can do stuff together. I feel a bit sorry for her -it must be hard being on her own witha toddler, but its not up to your DD's to provide the answer. i'd try getting details of all the local clubs etc for toddlers and take them round and suggest she tries some out.

fattymcChocolateEgg · 03/04/2015 18:06

do you feel that your DDs are being taken advantage of and used as a free babysitting service while she does whatever?
I would not be happy with this arrangement but also know how difficult it is to be a single mum. if she is feeling that she can't cope then your DDs could be providing the space she feels she needs. and no it is not fair that she is using them for that, if that is the case.
I think you really need to speak to her and find out why she wants them around all the time.

BitOfFun · 03/04/2015 18:12

You do need to speak to her. I'm not sure how you'd phrase it, mind.

The thing is, you need to put your children first, and it's sending them quite damaging messages, I think, to feel responsible for another adult's emotional state. We talk to our children a lot about their right to personal space etc, and it think this extends to who they spend their time with. If it's ok for them not to kiss Aunty Mabel, then surely it's equally ok for them not to go round to amuse a neighbour if it makes them uncomfortable.

There's something odd going on here for an adult to be so clingy, and I think you should encourage her to speak to her Health Visitor about toddler groups and other social opportunities.

ImperialBlether · 03/04/2015 18:16

I would bet her little girl really loves having your children round to play and stands at the window with her nose pressed against it, looking for them. My daughter was like that until my son was born - she just loved other children and was desperate to play with them at any time of the day or night.

I really wouldn't read more into it than that.

Original poster
MrsFlannel · 03/04/2015 18:16

Bit she is in medication for depression and has support from a health visitor she has some friends locally and they are also on low incomes so going out and about its hard. i know i need to pull back i'm just trying to work out a kind way of doing it

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Original poster
MrsFlannel · 03/04/2015 19:07

can anyone advise further as to what to do about it? How to let her down gently?

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EponasWildDaughter · 03/04/2015 19:15

What happens specifically OP? Does she always knock for your DDs? Or does she sort of pounce when you're coming or going out side the house? Or do your DDs knock at hers?

Rivercam · 03/04/2015 19:18

i think some tough love is needed. Maybe you need to wean her off you and say 'no' and stick to it. Ignore her tears and hurt looks. If she asks for an explanation, just say you are having some family time, the children have homework, have to tidy their rooms etc. Actually, you don't need to give a reason, but just say no.

Not easy, I admit.

Original poster
MrsFlannel · 03/04/2015 19:38

Epona she knocks....or sometimes she lets her DD knock...other times she spots us coming in and pounces...or hears us going out and appears and then suggests we see her later...she often asks the girls directly making it hard for me to answer.

Rivers thanks I do sometimes say the girls are doing homework/tidying up etc but you're right and I've thought the same....I shouldn't have to make an excuse.

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tulipgrower · 03/04/2015 22:08

How about reducing the visits by giving her a time slot which suits you? If she calls on, for example, Monday, then you say the girls might be able to go round on Thursday, but they are busy the rest of the week. Get it back to 30min/week.

debbriana · 03/04/2015 22:16

Your dds are being used for looking after her dd.

AlpacaLypse · 03/04/2015 22:17

Agree with tulipgrower, this is a place for 'closed' questions. Not

'Could you come round later?' Which leaves Clingy Neighbour with plenty of space to argue.

But

'The girls and I have a lot to do in the next couple of days. We can spare an hour or so on Thursday morning'. Which leaves Clingy Neighbour with only the option of saying 'yes' or 'no'.

I'm truly sorry for Clingy Neighbour, but your own family must always take priority.

duplodon · 03/04/2015 22:17

Her feelings are not your responsibility. While it's generally nice to br neighbourly and compassionate and I am all for that, it sounds a bit much and not the healthiest. I would say very little about it, and just do a bright and breezy 'not today, lots to do, maybe Sunday?' (Day as far away as possible). A talk about it will probably lead to bad feeling.

debbriana · 03/04/2015 22:18

The best way to do it is to say that your dds will not be going to her house before the afternoon. You have to set ground rules and stick with it. She is taking advantage of your children. Out your children first before hers.

LunaMay · 03/04/2015 22:24

Wish I could help with an easy way to do this gently. I think you should always follow your instincts if something doesn't sit right. Having had a neighbour turn into a stalker and show up every single time I went into the front or back garden I can understand what it's like to feel a prisoner in your own home. My problem would have been avoided if I had been able to be upfront and not worry about hurting feelings.

Original poster
MrsFlannel · 04/04/2015 08:24

thanks so much everyone. I will definitely do the "We're very busy this week but we have some time on Thursday....they could come then." thing as I agree that being honest will hurt her feelings. She is vulnerable and she IS nice but she's just so overbearing in her neediness.

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BlackDaisies · 04/04/2015 08:53

I don't think your older dd should have to go round at all if she's not comfortable. Which may mean you saying that your younger dd is too young to be going on her own. I would be uncomfortable with a grown woman knocking for my children too. I would just say a breezy "oh [older dd] is suddenly more into her friends and playing in her room. I expect I won't see her at all once she's a teenager. And [younger dd] doesn't want to come on her own". If she says "what's the matter etc etc" just say "I know, you'll have all this to come one day." If she pushes it just repeat your message "thanks but she really does like time on her own at the moment".

MammaTJ · 04/04/2015 09:44

As well as the above, could you suggest homestart to her, she and her child would then have a volunteer for two hours a week! The volunteer could look after the tot for that time while she gets on with other things or chat to her or a mix of both!