Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

need some help

40 replies

needssomehelpplz · 02/04/2015 17:05

my dh, 69, had a heart attack a few weeks ago.he is recovering well, preventative meds the main help just now.

but we have a real problem.
we live in a quiet seaside village.
we need a car to get out/ shopping and things.
we have one car between us.
my dh loves his car, a mini.
the problem is he reluctantly "allows" me to drive it...he was banned from driving after the attack, so I said I would drive for chemist/food shopping.
each time I drive, we end up arguing.
he doesn't like the way I drive/go round corners/ park and so one.
today I had to drive to the shops...mind the hole in the road..mind that car...don't park like that...mind the wheel trims....

I am so stressed, not only with the worry about his health, but worry of how we will get around in the future.
the last time dh had surgery for a different ailment I had to use taxis because he wouldn't let me drive.
I have been driving all my working life, no accidents either.

I can't afford to buy a second car, but can't take the massive arguments when I have to drive.(we haven't spoken all day, it reduced me to tears today, but he just laughed)
what can I do?

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 02/04/2015 17:08

Wow this must be horrible.
I'd tell him to shut the fuck up every time he criticised.
Every single time. Over and over again.
I'd say it very loudly too.

WorraLiberty · 02/04/2015 17:13

If he's been banned from driving then the car is as good as yours...particularly if you're to become his chauffeur.

Therefore, you need to tell him to keep quiet or get himself a taxi.

Having a heart attack is not a license to act like a total cunt.

Lavenderice · 02/04/2015 17:14

If he's been banned from driving then sell his precious Mini, buy your own car and if he dares to criticise the way you drive your car boot him out.

Original poster
needssomehelpplz · 02/04/2015 17:15

i'm reluctant to shout at him just now, I know he is anxious re his health.

BUT, today was the worst, I di tell him to shut up as he was stressing me, which could lead to an accident.
his response was just to tell me to shut up, and so it went on, bicker, bicker, school playground stuff.
he has just said to me, "why do you want to drive anyway" , he is angry.
I explained calmly that I need to "keep my hand in" so to speak, he just walked out of the room.
we can't speak logically about it.
I feel like running away!

OP posts:
OhNoNotMyBaby · 02/04/2015 17:16

Why is he in the car with you? Just tell him he can't come! In fact, don't tell him anything, just go before he can hop in.

Flossyfloof · 02/04/2015 17:16

Easy. He gets a taxi, you use the car. The end.

Original poster
needssomehelpplz · 02/04/2015 17:18

he is allowed to drive now, but has mega tests after easter.

he says I don't "respect" the car, and "i am the only one who washes it" and so on.
it's all out of perspective now.
I can't stand the constant bad atmosphere when I say I will drive today.

OP posts:
butterfly2015 · 02/04/2015 17:18

I'd leave him at home as much as possible.

He's lost control of his life and his car. He's probably struggling with that but he needs to stop hounding you. Next time he criticises your driving, pull over. Tell him he either shuts up or gets out and you will collect him on the way back.

I second the selling of his car and buying you a car. And get him a mobility scooter. You can walk along behind him telling him to watch out for lampposts, holes in the road, Krebs etc.

geekymommy · 02/04/2015 17:18

Umm... he isn't allowed to drive, someone has to drive to do shopping, and he wonders why you want to drive? Confused

DishwasherDogs · 02/04/2015 17:19

This happened to dh and me when he had a stroke.
He wasn't allowed to drive for a month and it was hellish! I remember talking to my sil about it and saying that I would end up divorcing him over it!
The turning point was a journey we had to take, he was criticising, being grumpy and rude about my driving, and I stopped the car and gave him three options - either shut up and stop criticising or walk everywhere, or fork out for a taxi.
He stopped criticising. We are still married. Job done.

Missda · 02/04/2015 17:24

Sell the car?

AuntieDee · 02/04/2015 17:27

It's a bloody car! And technically half yours anyway...

Leave him at home - is there any reason he has to come?

PtolemysNeedle · 02/04/2015 17:27

I agree with leave him at home. If he can't be civil to you, then he doesn't deserve to be beside you when you're driving about doing things that will benefit him.

I get that he must be very anxious, and it must piss him off to be in the position he's in and have to watch you drive his beloved car. It's understandable. But he needs to recognise this for what it is and stop being an arsehole.

KatieKaye · 02/04/2015 17:28

The car does not need respect but you do!
Sell it and buy a car you both like and that belongs to both of you.
Until then, go by yourself and let him take a taxi.
Being anxious is no excuse to be so rude to you. Tell him that he is going to make you I'll.

Sympathies because you sound very stressed

Original poster
needssomehelpplz · 02/04/2015 17:49

yes, I am stressed.
he won't even "allow" me to tell anyone he had a heart attack, so I can't even talk about it with anyone.
we have no family in the uk anyway, just me and him, I feel awful right now.

OP posts:
FinallyHere · 02/04/2015 17:58

Ive had the same. Only way forward for your sanity is to wait til its safe, pull over to the curb and stop the car. Explain you won't be going anywhere til he stops criticising you.

If you need to do this a second time, drive home and refused to take him anywhere ever again. I know its easy to say LTB to someone else, but if he can't stop after a quiet period of reflection, what is your life together. What is he like in other areas of your life?

Original poster
needssomehelpplz · 02/04/2015 18:10

dh can drive now, so doesn't see why I should sometimes.
I said that it is important that I still drive sometimes, as we don't know what the future may bring healthwise.

he is a bit of a car snob, and wouldn't agree to sell it and get two for the price of one.
in other areas, well he is a bit insular.
no friends or family, just me.

I have long term girlfriends...who surprise surprise...he doesn't like.
doesn't like the phone.
does crosswords a lot.
doesn't like any new experiences.
sounds a bit negative really.

is a bit of a "nice guy" outside, smiles at dogs/children and women shop assistants, but doesn't really like anyone coming to our house.
gets stressed and always...yes always...causes an argument before they come...then is okay..and is cheerful.
only I see the morose side of him.
maybe the car issue is the tip of the iceberg?

OP posts:
KatieKaye · 02/04/2015 18:48

Tell him you drive because you want to.
And because you can. Which is lucky because he can't drive at the moment!

Does the car belong to both of you? If so, he can't dictate to you in this fashion. And he shouldn't be dictating to you anyway.

He sounds controlling and you are giving off vibes that there is some deep seated unhappiness within you.

Not having family can suck, but good friends can be there for you too, if you let the. It was actually my best friend who got me through my divorce. Can you talk to a friend about how you feel?

icelollycraving · 02/04/2015 18:54

God he sounds like my husband (aside from the driving bit,just the being a misery guts).

EveBoswell · 02/04/2015 19:17

Carry on driving. I had 8 years of no driving and was reluctant to take it up again.

But I had to so I did. I forked out for refresher 'lessons' and got there. It would be cheaper for you to carry on as you are.

As for your husband, heart attack or not, he sounds controlling. My Ex was the same with his car. I was on the PTA Committee but had to give it up because he didn't like my using 'his' car. His current wife is in the same boat ....

Keep driving.

Original poster
needssomehelpplz · 02/04/2015 19:23

thank you for your replies.
I do intend to continue driving.
only one major problem.
I can't afford to get my own car, but as we live in a small village it is necessary.
we are still not talking/arguing in separate measure.
I am confident in driving..and experienced...it just freaks me out with him in the passenger seat, making noises and mind that, and look out for that.
yes, I still feel like running away, or even walking slowly!
yes, he is obsessive re the car, always has been, but I always had my own, then thought why have two sitting there, when we only need one.
my fault I guess.
be glad when I go to sleep tonight.

OP posts:
KatieKaye · 02/04/2015 19:54

I hope you sleep well tonight.
Can you contact a friend and meet up over the weekend? Just so you can get out of the house and have some time and space away from your husband? If you can talk about the situation you might feel better to have it out in the open.

Totality22 · 02/04/2015 19:57

God I'd leave him at bloody home!!

KatieKaye · 02/04/2015 20:17

Maybe OP should take not-so-dear H for a nice trip into the country and then leave him at the side of the road!

(hope this image maybe gives you a small smile, OP)

Littlefluffyclouds81 · 02/04/2015 20:28

My empathic side thinks it must be hard for him to hand the driving over to you, if it's him that's always done it. He obviously loves that car and maybe he feels de masculinised having you drive him around.

The other side of me (which has the majority vote here) says shut the fuck up, you cantankerous old git.

You must have the patience of a saint.

Swipe left for the next trending thread