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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

need some help

40 replies

needssomehelpplz · 02/04/2015 17:05

my dh, 69, had a heart attack a few weeks ago.he is recovering well, preventative meds the main help just now.

but we have a real problem.
we live in a quiet seaside village.
we need a car to get out/ shopping and things.
we have one car between us.
my dh loves his car, a mini.
the problem is he reluctantly "allows" me to drive it...he was banned from driving after the attack, so I said I would drive for chemist/food shopping.
each time I drive, we end up arguing.
he doesn't like the way I drive/go round corners/ park and so one.
today I had to drive to the shops...mind the hole in the road..mind that car...don't park like that...mind the wheel trims....

I am so stressed, not only with the worry about his health, but worry of how we will get around in the future.
the last time dh had surgery for a different ailment I had to use taxis because he wouldn't let me drive.
I have been driving all my working life, no accidents either.

I can't afford to buy a second car, but can't take the massive arguments when I have to drive.(we haven't spoken all day, it reduced me to tears today, but he just laughed)
what can I do?

OP posts:

blankgaze · 02/04/2015 20:44

Go to places on your own, leave him at home for everything except his medical appointments. Even some of those you can point blank refuse to drive him, tell him to book Patient Transport.

Can you not tune him out? Put the radio on or listen to a play or to a talking book?

Donkeys years ago I was so sick and tired at the constant stream of criticism that I actually did pull over to the kerb and gave dp the ultimatum of being a silent passenger or a pedestrian.

TheoriginalLEM · 02/04/2015 20:49

it must be hard for him to be banned from driving. makes him feel dependent on you and he isn't handling it very well. he does sound likea grumpy fucker but i daresay id be grumpy if i was scared i was about to drop dead at any second.

Hassled · 02/04/2015 20:49

How far off being able to afford a second car are you? You said you had one and sold it - any chance of finding that money at this stage? Do you have any disposable income - who looks after the finances?

lavenderhoney · 02/04/2015 21:05

i don't see how you can be expected not to tell anyone about his heart attack. Do you have friends you can talk to? Has the hospital or doctors given you any info on support groups? Don't ask your dh permission, you need support as well.

Have you thought about selling up and moving to somwhere in a village where you can get to shops and a bit of life? For people in your dh age group? Might be an idea as you will be exhausted taking care of him and he sounds an ungrateful chap tbh. I imagine he is facing his own mortality but you're not his whipping boy. Hasn't he got a support group?

Cars are funny things - he must be feeling the loss of independance but frankly he needs to realise you're not his unpaid carer, Im not surprised you feel like running off.

Do you have any family outside the UK you can call? I assume they know?

AnD you need another car. Just say it's not working, the one car thing and you will be getting another. Was he a controlling arse before? Why does he want to go to the supermarket anyway? Can you order online and then push off to see a friend alone? He can't stop you - does he have any friends?

Altinkum · 02/04/2015 21:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Sarine1 · 02/04/2015 21:29

Bless you OP. He sounds a nightmare! He must be scared and also infuriated about losing control - of his health and now his independence. Sadly it also sounds as if he's been over - controlling in your relationship and I'm afraid that he's escalating this to new heights with the car.
Of course he deserves some tlc after the heart attack - but he's not entitled to bully you and to be unkind.
I wonder what 'tip of the iceberg' you feel this is? You might want to think about posting this in relationships? It's just that it sounds much bigger than just an argument about a car??

wheresthelight · 02/04/2015 21:59

My exh used to dp similar when I was driving my own bloody car. I stopped it on the slip road of spaghetti junction one morning and told him to shut the fuck up or get out of the car. baring in mind we were travelling to see my friends in an area he had never been to before he shut up. my sister however did the same to her job husband when she had just passed her test only she literally turfed him out the car in the middle of nowhere and drove off and left hi. he has never criticised her driving again

heart attack or not he is being a twat so you either have to stop taking him or stand up to him and tell him that he either shuts up or he walks to the places he needs to be

Original poster

needssomehelpplz · 02/04/2015 23:02

I drove the car at 2 this afternoon, it's now 11pm, you can cut the atmosphere with a knife.
well, nothing being said at all. simply watching tv.
can't talk to him, he just erupts, then when I cried, he shrugged his shoulders.
getting angry now.

OP posts:

Topseyt · 02/04/2015 23:53

I really think you absolutely HAVE to stop driving with him as a passenger.

Could it not be dangerous if he is winding you up so much and upsetting you whilst you need to concentrate on driving?

textfan · 03/04/2015 03:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Damnautocorrect · 03/04/2015 03:35

My ex used to do this all the time, it actually turned a very confident driver into a nervous one, 10 years on I hate driving with people in the car now.

I really understand it must be hard the sudden loss of independence. But he's being totally ridiculous. How does he meet the suggestion of you having your own car?

QOD · 03/04/2015 03:54

I refuse point blank to drive dh

KatieKaye · 03/04/2015 07:41

Your DH is treating you terribly.
You absolutely do not deserve this.
Please, try to speak to someone in RL, whether that is a friend, your GP, minister - somebody you can trust. You say your family is abroad - do any of them know what your home life is like?
Nobody has the right to bully and demean another person like this, whether or not they are ill. It sounds as if you have been subjected to this for a long time and that must be so hard. It is as if you are trapped.
Could you take the car and go to stay with a friend for a few days? Get in some bread, milk and fruit for your husband, plus a couple of tins of baked beans and some cheese so he's not going to starve and then just get in the car and go.
I really feel it is time to stop thinking about him and concentrate on yourself and what you need and want out of life.

ItsADinosaur · 03/04/2015 07:46

It does sound like tip of the iceberg OP.

ohtheholidays · 05/04/2015 19:17

When I first started reading your thread OP I thought your DH was acting this way because of fear and anger because of the ill health.

That I could understand I was a bit of a nightmare after I had similar to a massive stroke at only 34.In no way my DH's fault it was the shock I'd gone from fine and independent to barely being alive and being reliant on a massive medical team and my DH just to stay alive.

But after reading the rest of your posts it doesn't sound like he's been being very nice to you for a long while now and that's not acceptable.My ex husband was the same and I put up with it for far to long,thankfully I did end that relationship in the end.My DH now is the complete opposite to my ex husband.

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