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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Grandma taking my son to smokers house

30 replies

SleeplessSeattle · 02/04/2015 16:29

I'm not sure if I'm being precious over this (pfb) or if I can say something. Currently my ds (7mo) is looked after by his grandma 2 days a week, she's a childminder and we offered to pay but she refused. She is great with him and I have absolutely no worries there. I noticed when he was coming home from her he had an off smell on him,but put that down to her perfume or the pets she has at hers. However I've just realised today that it's the smell of smokeSad she takes him to her sisters for around an hour before dropping him off here, and they smoke in their house. I don't know if I can say anything as they're family? It makes me feel sick thinking about it, but then again it's free childcare so is it something I just need to accept?

OP posts:
kathryng90 · 02/04/2015 16:33

Would be a deal breaker for me. If it's in the air enough for him/his clothes to smell he is breathing it in. Each to their own and I don't have a problem with smokers but not near kids. Have you mentioned it to her?

BuzzardBird · 02/04/2015 16:37

Of course you can say something. You don't let people do harm to your child because they are family...not even for money.

OrlandoWoolf · 02/04/2015 16:39

So - it's your great Aunt? Surely you just need to ask your Great Aunt not to smoke around her Great-nephew whilst he is there?

Hopefully she would understand.

Original poster
SleeplessSeattle · 02/04/2015 16:41

No I've only just realised today. I knew they smoked, we see them quite a bit and I always cringe inwardly when they hold him after a cigarette, however the mum smoked and drank during pregnancy and has two sons who "turned out fine" so I have no idea how to broach it. They are so nice and the family (it's my partners family, he doesn't smoke nor does his mum) are so nice and helpful and welcoming that I don't know if I just have to suck it up ? How do I say it without sounding rude? Sorry if that seems like a silly question, I used to smoke but gave up as soon as I found out I was pregnant and haven't since, it just seems common sense to me Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
SleeplessSeattle · 02/04/2015 16:41

Orlando it's my sons great aunt - it's my partners family

OP posts:
OrlandoWoolf · 02/04/2015 16:44

Your partner needs to say something to his Aunt. Does he feel the same - he ought to.

I am surprised people still smoke around children - or even around non smokers.It does a lot of damage.

Murphy29 · 02/04/2015 16:48

This is something I put my foot down over with DH gran. She smokes an obscene amount to the point if DH visits he showers and changes clothes after and still feels a bit sick Confused DS will never be taken there and she only gets to see him if at PIL house, she doesn't smoke when there and has clean non smoky clothes on. I know the other great-grandchildren visit so DH cousins are a bit Hmm with me but I don't give a toss, his health is more important and thankfully DH agrees.

I don't think it's rude, surely they would understand that it's not good for him?

iggymama · 02/04/2015 16:50

They may not actually smoke in front of him.

My dad goes outside to smoke, yet I come home stinking of fags after visiting.

Original poster
SleeplessSeattle · 02/04/2015 16:50

Orlando I think he didn't notice. I mentioned it to him today but because he was round there a lot when he was younger and I'm guessing she smoked then as well, and I think he's worried he's going to come off sounding like he's looking down on them for doing it if that makes sense? Like I said, she smokes with her own kids (who are now older) and so obviously doesn't see anything wrong in it so I don't know how he needs to word it so as to not cause offence

OP posts:
Original poster
SleeplessSeattle · 02/04/2015 16:55

iggy I've seen them smoke in front of him when we've been other places Sad Not holding him, but go out for a cigarette and come back in and straight away hold him with their fingers in his mouth and him with his face in their hair. I've tried every excuse not to pass him back over but they insist. They are so nice as well that I don't know how to word it without being rude, but I think it's serious enough health worries that I need to say something. Can I ask my MIL to not visit her sister with him because they smoke..?

OP posts:
nunkspugget · 02/04/2015 17:01

Why do smokers do this!? I've had to physically block one smoker from pawing my newborn with their filthy 'fresh off the butt' fingers. Do they not realise they stink....if I'd been handling garlic, id wash before touching another person but cos its cigarettes its ok!?!?

TooManyMochas · 02/04/2015 17:03

Two hours a week? What harm do you think that can do? Yes I think you're BU, although I'm in the minority on MN with this.

wreckingball · 02/04/2015 17:04

Two hours a week in a house where people smoke wouldn't actually bother me unless they were smoking in the same room.
But you can ask that they don't smoke indoors when he's there, just ask straight if he's been around smoking cos you can smell it on his clothes.
Be nice though, you don't want to shoot yourself in the foot child care wise.

Clawdy · 02/04/2015 17:10

Personally I would put up with it as long as they weren't actually smoking in front of him. It's a shame to spoil a nice relationship, and with the best will in the world, if you say you don't want him to visit, then things won't ever be quite the same.

Original poster
SleeplessSeattle · 02/04/2015 17:13

Okay. Is it not that bad for him if he's only there a few hours? I never thought I would be the type of person to worry about this, and none of my friends have children yet so I didn't know who to ask to see if I was over reacting.

OP posts:
Original poster
SleeplessSeattle · 02/04/2015 17:14

Clawdy that's what I'm worried about. They are such lovely people and always have time to help out that I thought that maybe I could over look it for the sake of not being rude

OP posts:
Interrobang · 02/04/2015 17:33

I would not tolerate it at all. It's not being rude to say that for the sake of your child's health, you and your partner do not want your child in a smokey house. Third-hand smoke IS a health concern. And yuk to that horrid smell even if it isn't. And as for their smoky fingers in his mouth? I wouldn't put up with anyone's fingers in my child's mouth, and a smoker's - even worse.
I think as parents we have to put our children first, and if someone is offended, so be it.
I think your partner should be the one to tell his mother.

Hillingdon · 02/04/2015 17:56

My FIl is a heavy smoker. He wont smoke at our house unless outside but he will smoke in his own house. I htae it, I have tried to speak to my DH but he says its up to him what he does in his own house and its only occasionally that we see him etc etc

Smokers IMHO are very entitled and their right to do what they like trumps everyone else's rights. He also has a view on planes that if only they turned on the air conditioning properly then it wouldnt be an issue for others. Smokers make excuse after excuse for this vile habit and I did actually bribe my older son to not smoke. He hasnt and finds it a horrible habit although some of his friends do. I better pau up!

ThisFenceIsComfy · 02/04/2015 18:06

I would talk to them both direct. Then if they won't stop, you need to make a decision you are comfortable with.

MeridianB · 02/04/2015 18:23

I would ask her to stop and if she didn't I would end the arrangement.

You don't know if they have, are or will smoke in front of your baby. I find it strange that a professional childminder would do this at all. I am guessing she would not do it with her paying charges.

Have you seen this video about smoking at home?

Plus this is interesting - about 'third hand smoke' - the chemicals left on clothes, hair, skin, furniture etc and harm they can do to children.

LST · 02/04/2015 18:31

Wow hillingdon sweeping generalisation there.... Hmm

Barbarella · 02/04/2015 18:41

Whilst I doubt that it's doing a lot of harm in 2 hours a week it is just vile to smoke around babies

But I think your partner should be the one to object actually - his family, his conversation to have I think.

Good luck.

shadesofwinter · 02/04/2015 18:47

If it had been a one-off then fair enough. As it's a regular thing I'd personally have an issue with it, and so would my DH

Clawdy · 02/04/2015 19:20

MeridianB it is not the OP's MIL who smokes, it is someone she visits.

LinesThatICouldntChange · 02/04/2015 20:10

I wouldn't tolerate any form of childcare which meant my child was coming home smelling of smoke. It's disgusting. Occasionally my children would come home from a one- off situation and their hair/ clothes would smell of smoke and I hated it

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