Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think that single people are seen as the enemy?

37 replies

Lavenderice · 02/04/2015 16:15

So not a TAAT but there are some responses on here to a couple of threads that have made me question how single people are perceived on here.

In response to a debate about an OP's husband being invited to a wedding without her a lot of people think that when a couple get married they should honour the marriage of their guests by inviting their DH/DW even if they don't know them, suggesting that this honour should only be bestowed on people who are actually married. In fact the phrase "no ringy, no bringy" was used.

In another in which the OP was worried about her DH having a single female friend people were astonished that this had been allowed and somebody said. "Single women knowingly go after married men all of the time".

Both of these have made me a tad furious. What do other people think, do we see single people as less worthy/a threat?

OP posts:
Enough27 · 02/04/2015 16:23

Never. DH and I have been married for 16 years and each have lots of single friends, never thought of them as enemies. Why would we?

Frusso · 02/04/2015 16:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

maninawomansworld · 02/04/2015 16:27

I think you're overthinking it.

Regarding the 'no ringy, no bringy' comment it's a tough one. In the thread you are referring to it is pretty clear that the OP and her Husband are 'for keeps' so personally I would have invited both but it's not always that simple.
For example, when DW and I got married we had a couple there who had only known each other a couple of years, had got married and had a child all very quickly. They are no longer together and he was only in our lives a matter of a year or so... had we been bale to see the future we probably would not have had him there.
Another couple attended and at the time the woman had only known her man about 3 months but she is one of our best friends and we wanted he to have a great time so invited him. A considerable time has now passed and they are now married with 3 kids. Fairly sure they're set for a long and happy marriage. If we'd applied the 'no ringy' rule then we would have missed out on having someone who is now a very close friend at our wedding.

Cantbelievethisishappening · 02/04/2015 16:28

There are single women who go after married men.... in my lifetime I have known three but that does not include ALL single women obviously so for that part YABU

Guest etiquette for weddings is just a pile of steaming shite and just not worth all the angst that goes with it. Couples will do what THEY want to do so pointless trying to lump that in with the whole less worthy/threat theme of your post so for that YA also BU

anothernumberone · 02/04/2015 16:28

Haha what a rediculous notion. How could single people be the enemy. We all are single many stages in our lives. Cheating partners are the enemy, that can happen with a married or single person. No ringie no bringie needs to be returned to the annals of prehistory. I personally would invite any significant others to my wedding. The only instance where that did not happen was with absolutely single friends ie not currently in a relationship.

glorymorning · 02/04/2015 16:30

Single people have affairs, married people have affairs.

In my opinion a persons relationship status has no relevance on whether they will have an affair.

A guy I went to school with started talking to me earlier last year and I was single at that point. It started off harmless and then he changed and started flirting and suggesting we meet up (he was living with his long term partner). I blocked him at that point, I have more respect than to be a side chick, who's only good for sex.

I think certain people see single women as living freely and having no ties and sleep with whoever they want and therefore they see them as a threat.

When I was single it was 100% through choice. I was unhappy with my life, I did a complete 360 and focused purely on myself - changed careers, lost weight etc and now I'm with someone who just adds to my life.

WorraLiberty · 02/04/2015 16:30

"no ringy, no bringy"

Fuck me, Paddy McGuiness posts here?

IrianofWay · 02/04/2015 16:30

No of course they aren't the enemy! That's just daft. But if someone is in a long-term or serious relationship I would always invite their partner to a party or a wedding - I personally think it's just polite.

IrianofWay · 02/04/2015 16:31

Anyway I might that when my H had an affair it was with a married woman! .

LittleBairn · 02/04/2015 16:32

Nope I've never once worried about single women. Or any woman for that matter but I'm not the jealous type and DH has never given me cause to worry.

ResurrectAndEatShitChoc · 02/04/2015 16:35

I know what you mean sort of. My friends dropped me when they got partners.

Turns out single mum = man stealer and desperate. (An actual thought after I questioned them)

I'm going to a wedding in May. I have a plus 1, so I'm taking my son.

I will just steal one while I'm there Wink

madreloco · 02/04/2015 16:36

Seems a bit of a flimsy basis to assume everyone sees you as "the enemy". Are you often paranoid?

Original poster
Lavenderice · 02/04/2015 16:38

Phew! Thank you everyone for restoring my faith in humanity!

Flowers for everyone, and since we're on the brink of a Bank Holiday weekend some Wine too!

OP posts:
Original poster
Lavenderice · 02/04/2015 16:40

No, I'm not paranoid, and I'm not single either. It was just surprising to see these things written down.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lavenderice · 02/04/2015 16:41

Grin Resurrect

OP posts:
cosytoaster · 02/04/2015 16:41

"Single women knowingly go after married men all of the time".

It's definitely the other way round!

Original poster
Lavenderice · 02/04/2015 16:44

So it would seem Worra, who knew?!

OP posts:
Dazedconfused · 02/04/2015 16:47

First to get married of my friends, last of my husbands friends due to age difference etc (although we see them all as our friends for the last 10 years). If we had done no ringy no bringy then none of my friends partners could have come despite almost all of them being in long term relationships and none have separated in the last 3 years.

I think the single woman thread is interesting. I'm not sure how I would feel about my husband having a new female friend but I trust him and would openly chat to him about it if I felt insecure.

LadyGregory · 02/04/2015 16:47

God, that's even more depressing than my mother's idea that the second women get married, they drop all their unmarried friends the better to concentrate on domestic bliss, while their husband still goes out carousing with the boys. (Because men have their 'needs', apparently.)

She thinks that you only have single female friends when you're single yourself, and they're purely for the purpose of going out so you can get someone to marry you, after which you have them as bridesmaids and then drop them because, yay, you're married and don't need them to go out with any more.

It is not coincidental that she is friendless at almost 70.

I'm married and two of my closest friends are longterm single by choice. My husband's closest female friend is beautiful and single, and I spend a lot if time with a male ex-colleague. I really cannot imagine thinking that every single person was busy trying to break up my marriage so they could get their lustful hands on me/DH. That's the kind of thinking that makes a certain kind of homophobe certain that all gay men's ultimate ambition is to 'convert' straight men...

KurriKurri · 02/04/2015 16:51

I have to say that since my marriage broke up (after 32 yrs) a lot of people/friends have made remarks about me getting another man and constantlycommented on men as if I might be interested. If I talk to a man I have a friend who always says 'I think he liked you Kurri, I could tell by the way he was looking at you' etc etc.

It's sort of assumed that for some reason my whole energy shoudl be going into finding a replacement partner, as if I have no validity as a single person.

In fact I am no threat to anyone - I wouldn't dream of showing any interest in a married man (my own marriage having been wrecked by someone who thought it was Ok to go after married men) and I actually quite like being single - I certainly am not interested in a relationship so soon after a horrible experience of one gone wrong.

I do sense an attitude that single people are somehow a bit of a failure and I should be trying to rectify that by going all out for a partner. It's actually pretty tiresome having to keep pretending to be light hearted and laughingly saying 'no I'm not really interested in men at the moment' when what I really want to say is ' do you think I am totally crazy that I would jump back into the fire having just got out of it' Grin

But yes I agree that some folk think single people are after a partner all the time - and the idea that you might enjoy just being yourself is seen as being in denial.

Sugarfreeriot · 02/04/2015 16:54

Single women do go after married men all the time, just as married men/women got after single/married women.
People cheat, male or female, married or not.
I think that person said "single women go after married men all the time" as it was relative to the thread/concerns of the OP. I doubt the person who made that comment believes every single women (and ONLY single women) go after married (and only married) men.

BackforGood · 02/04/2015 17:07

Yes, YABU to make such a leap.
I'm not saying there is nobody who sees single people as 'the enemy' but I'm pretty darn sure it's not the overwhelming majority.

Original poster
Lavenderice · 02/04/2015 17:10

You're right BackforGood I should have said 'AIBU to think that some people see single people as the enemy'

OP posts:
KingJoffreyFanciesDarylDixon · 02/04/2015 17:16

I find the 'no ring, no bring' thing kind of ironic given that the couple who are hosting the wedding aren't actually married.

At least not yet...

Original poster
Lavenderice · 02/04/2015 17:17

Fucking good point kingjoffrey

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread