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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think she should blow out the candle?

36 replies

Lauren1983 · 02/04/2015 00:47

Not a huge issue but...every time we visit my MIL and FIL there is a candle burning on a side table in the living room. This happens when the visits are pre-arranged so they know we will be there.

We have a boisterous 2 year old who we then have to constantly stop going near the candle. I find it strange that MIL leaves a potential hazard out for no real reason. WIBU to ''accidently'' blow the bloody thing out by next time we visit?

OP posts:

ChocolateTeacup · 02/04/2015 00:50

Have you asked her to blow it out?

prankerwanker · 02/04/2015 00:52

That's it. I'm not having children

Not sure I'd blow out my candles for anyone tbh

Can't your DS just not go near the candle?

Latara · 02/04/2015 00:53

Yes she should. Ask her to next time you visit.

Personally I think candles are dangerous, but then one of my friends did accidentally burn her bedsit down with a candle...

MrsTerryPratchett · 02/04/2015 00:53

It probably happens because there is a visit. It's nice to have candles for visitors. Probably forgotten what having a toddler around is like. Just ask.

Bellossom · 02/04/2015 00:54

Can you ask her to move it higher up as a compromise?

Original poster

Lauren1983 · 02/04/2015 00:55

I haven't asked her to blow out the candle as she isn't always easy to get on with and I'm worried it may spark an argument (stupid as that sounds)

I try to keep my daughter away from the candle but it's a fairly small room and it's at the perfect height for her to grab.

OP posts:

TwinkieTwinkle · 02/04/2015 00:56

Why don't you just ask?!

prankerwanker · 02/04/2015 01:00

Yes I'd just ask

'Dmil what a lovely candle. Can we pop it on the shelf so dd can't get to it and break it or hurt herself?'

If you're worried about having an argument over that I wouldn't be spending time there. Sounds awful

Original poster

Lauren1983 · 02/04/2015 01:02

I'm pretty sure if I ask that she will take it as a personal insult. She is very house proud and don't think she will take kindly to me asking.

OP posts:

prankerwanker · 02/04/2015 01:03

Well fuck her then

And don't go because there is nothing you can do except ask

Seriously - sounds like a horrible atmosphere for your kid

prankerwanker · 02/04/2015 01:03

Unless she's psychic of course

Canyouforgiveher · 02/04/2015 01:25

Can't your DS just not go near the candle?

have you met a 2 year old? :)

I would just say it to MIL - the candle is a bit dangerous in toddler world- such a pain- do you mind if we move it or blow it out until we leave.

Or I would take the candle and say I love the way you have the candle on, so nice, do you mind if I move it up here on the mantelpiece so ds doesn't burn your house down.

If your mil would really get offended at you asking to move a lighted candle out of the way of a toddler, then you will just have to suck it up, watch ds like a hawk when there and spend less time there. it would be better for everyone if it was just dealt with so grandparents and toddler can enjoy each other.

MrsTerryPratchett · 02/04/2015 01:42

In my world you don't get to complain about things you haven't asked for. Ask. If she's rude or starts on you; leave. Just decide what your boundaries are and stick to them.

AlternativeTentacles · 02/04/2015 06:38

Does your husband not notice the candle and tell his mum to snuff it out?

shewept · 02/04/2015 06:45

My mum is quite a strict catholic and has had a lit candle next the statue of the virgin Mary for as long as I can remember. She only blows it out at bedtime, when she goes out or.......when any of her grandkids are there. If she didn't blow it out for some reason and we were there, me or dh would just ask.

If for some reason this isn't possible ask you dh to ask her.

Mehitabel6 · 02/04/2015 06:47

I don't think it is fair to complain if you haven't simply asked her.

Iggi999 · 02/04/2015 06:47

I wouldn't even ask I would just snuff it out. While saying something pa probably like "there now that's better , now you won't set granny's sofa on fire".
I have had a thread before about my pil's absence of smoke alarms in their home. Eventually I went round with one and nailed it up. Job done. I remain responsible for my dcs' safety even in someone else's house, and will act on that if necessary.

TiggieBoo · 02/04/2015 07:34

Just drop a hint then, "how lovely to have candles burning, I wish I could but DS would knock it down in a second and it's so dangerous." If she doesn't take the hint then ask DH to blow it out.

Aridane · 02/04/2015 07:37

Just ask her to put it out or put on a higher leve. Don't really see the angst. Or ask your partner to make this request if you really feel you can't ask this question.

DoJo · 02/04/2015 09:33

Could you not ask her to blow it out to avoid it getting knocked and spilling wax? If she's house proud, that might appeal to her sense of order.

SleeplessinUlanBator · 02/04/2015 09:43

Go NC, failing that harvest them for organs then burn their house down, that will teach them a lesson in candle etiquette around small children.

RaptorInaPorkPieHat · 02/04/2015 09:53

Now look,

Are you really saying that you would rather risk your child near an open flame rather than causing an argument with your MIL? (and don't get me wrong - my MIL could start an argument with her own reflection, so I understand that).

Just ask, if it causes the argument so be it, stop fart arsing about.

If you don't even ask YABU. (disclaimer: may have my own MIL ishoos)

zipzap · 02/04/2015 09:54

Could you say that your ds is becoming drawn to candles and he hasn't yet figured that they burn so can you pre-empt any accidents with ds and just blow it out until he's at least 23 for now. However - add that it's a real shame as it's lovely to see the candle there, you appreciate it being put out for you, can't wait until he's old enough to have candles on the go and we don't have to worry about him being burnt etc etc, so make it sound like that you'd like the candle there IYSWIM.

The other thing is that you can now get pretty good LED candles - some even come in wax pillars. There are even some that are remote control... Not quite the same as having nice scent coming off them if that's why she has one lit but if it's for the light - or for an extra while her darling gs is there then maybe that could be a good compromise

Maybe you could buy her an LED candle for when her gs is there (or be passive aggressive and get your ds to give her the special safe candle...) and then you don't have to worry about your ds and she can still have a candle.

Original poster

Lauren1983 · 02/04/2015 10:09

Thanks for the advice everyone. I think next time we visit I will ask her to move it and just take the consequences. I felt a bit uneasy asking her to change something in her own home but if my daughter knocked it over then that would be much worse.

OP posts:

StayingSamVimesGirl · 02/04/2015 10:52

We once visited my dsis and her dh a couple of days after Christmas - so their tree was still up. It was a very superior Christmas tree, with two sizes of baubles, in gold, red and silver, and with proper candles - also in gold, red and silver - which they lit - so we could appreciate the full effect.

We had three small boys at the time - probably aged about 2, 4, and 6 - and dbil expected them all to sit quietly, not too close to the tree, admiring it, and listening quietly whilst the grownups talked. Even walking past the tree was Not Allowed. Strangely the boys did not want to cooperate with this plan, and poor dbil was getting more and more stressed as the boys played near and walked past the tree. Eventually dh took the boys to the park, for the sake of dbil's blood pressure.

The best bit was that the boys were not allowed to blow out even one candle - dbil had to do it all! Can you imagine, three small boys, lots of candles, and not being allowed to blow out even one??!

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