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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Letters from beyond the grave.

39 replies

WasabiPeace · 01/04/2015 22:19

Are these a thing?

My grandad died recently and left a letter in his will to be distributed to all his children, it basically outlined how disappointed he was with everyone and how let down he was his whole life, with lots of personal digs and insults. Horrible stuff. He apparently wrote it ten years ago and amended and added to it every year.

A couple of my friends have said they've also experienced similar from dearly (!) departed relatives.

It's a whole new level of 'having the last word' but is it quite common? Would you do it, to say your piece after you've gone.

Aibu to think it's an awful thing to do?

OP posts:
fourteen · 01/04/2015 22:20

Urgh, it is awful.

If I suspected anything negative, I wouldn't read it I don't think. How horrible though to be so bitter that you still want to be nasty even from beyond the grave Shock

bumbleymummy · 01/04/2015 22:20

That sounds awful :( is this really a thing?

tiggytape · 01/04/2015 22:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SquareStarfish · 01/04/2015 22:30

my first thought was- I hope they at least left the people who had to read it a good amount of inheritance Grin

mickeyfartpants · 01/04/2015 22:32

While that IS an awful thing to do, I do plan to leave letters to be delivered from beyond the grave. (and I thought of this before "ps. I love you" too!)

They wont be full of awful things but perhaps have little personal notes reminding my loved ones that I always loved them etc. I might put photos or trinkets in, lock of hair, things I have made and have them delivered as packages.

And if I found out I was terminally ill, I would leave a series of videos with advice from me on them to be played to DP/DS in case of certain scenarios too.

My Dad did the same when he passed (I was 12) and I still often read his letter. I wish there were more which is why I have planned it out!

LuisSuarezTeeth · 01/04/2015 22:36

I think it's fair enough. It's your last chance to say what you think.

tiggytape · 01/04/2015 22:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lonecatwithkitten · 01/04/2015 22:36

I was faced with a situation two years ago where I was asked to write a letter of wishes to go with my will should the worst happen whilst I was undergoing medical treatment.
At the same time I wrote a letter to DD mostly telling her how much I love her. A trusted friend has them both as unopened data files.

TheOldestCat · 01/04/2015 22:36

Gosh, how horrible.

I clicked on this thinking it might be similar to my late sister-in-law, who did leave letters to be opened after her death. But they were all supportive and lovely (her best friend read her letter to us all at her funeral - about how lucky she was and all the positive things about her family and friends - this from a person dying well before their time, at just 42!).

You're not being unreasonable at all. At least this must have reflected what these people were like in life? In death, they were as awful or as lovely as they were when they were around. It's sad your grandfather was so bitter.

Hope you are ok and not too upset by it.

askalice · 01/04/2015 22:41

Trying to be charitable, maybe the person writing it saw it a way og getting things off his chest? Maybe he he thought that no one would be that bothered by his opinions ( since he didn't voice them in his life, because he thought no point or wasn't that bothered himself?). But he just wanted to get it all out and die " more lightly"? Can see how awful and hurtful it is, but I can also see why someone would want to express ethg before they die. He didn't get into it when he was alive - maybe he he thought it wouldn't be for the best

MmeGuillotine · 01/04/2015 22:43

My grandmother apparently left a letter for me, but my grandfather destroyed it without telling me about it and I didn't get to hear about it until much later.

She brought me up but we never got on and were totally NC when she died. I didn't even find out about her death for a couple of months as she'd left instructions that I wasn't too be told. I suspect the letter was full of the same sort of revolting hate filled ranting and lies that made me break contact in the first place. :/

butterfly2015 · 01/04/2015 22:43

That's a horrible thing to do. I like the idea of nice letters but to basically spend 10 years writing nasty stuff is awful.

MmeGuillotine · 01/04/2015 22:44

Ugh, bloody phone. TO be told. I'm a writer by trade, honest.

Original poster
WasabiPeace · 01/04/2015 22:45

He did voice these opinions while alive. But seeing it all laid out and carefully written has been really hurtful, particularly for my mum who never felt good enough and has basically had it confirmed in writing that she wasn't.

It was quite personal about us grandchildren too, with our loose morals and spendthrift ways (living in sin and large mortgages for eg...)

It's all been quite horrendous, really. The funeral will be a barrel of laughs.

OP posts:
Original poster
WasabiPeace · 01/04/2015 22:46

MmeG I'm sorry, that's horrid for you.

My Bils grandad died last year and he was only told recently as they'd had a falling out. What the hell is wrong with people?

OP posts:
tiggytape · 01/04/2015 22:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

EepMeep · 01/04/2015 23:53

A family member left me a cruel letter like this, which came to my attention when I was about 19. Ghastly.

NadiaWadia · 02/04/2015 02:42

What a horrible thing to do, and what on earth is the point? It will only ensure he is remembered without any affection, and forgotten as soon as possible. I wouldn't blame members of your family if they didn't even attend the funeral after that, TBH.

After we die, the only thing we can hope for (assuming you don't believe in an afterlife) is for loved ones to remember us fondly, and he has just sabotaged that.

ivykaty44 · 02/04/2015 03:09

For a person to do this must have had a negative impact on their life for so long. Go to the funeral knowing that this is the end of this negative and bitter chapter over and done with.

Look at the time afterwards as a new start for your family

emotionsecho · 02/04/2015 03:14

I don't think I'd bother going to the funeral, if I did go I'd want to stand up and give a brutally honest eulogy.

musicalendorphins2 · 02/04/2015 06:28

What a bitter nasty old man.

I wouldn't go to the funeral if I were your grandfathers relative.

Jengnr · 02/04/2015 07:33

I wouldn't go either. No chance.

DisgraceToTheYChromosome · 02/04/2015 07:42

Ceremonially tip out his ashes into the local sewer outfall: "That's what we think of YOU, you miserable old cuntpuffin".

blondegirl73 · 02/04/2015 07:44

One of my family members did this. Thankfully all the people she'd left letters for knew what she was likely to have written and destroyed them without reading them. So they had the final word really despite her best efforts! It's a horrible thing to do.

hackmum · 02/04/2015 07:47

Gosh, that's horrible. And weird too - because when someone dies you tend to remember the good things about them, not the bad, but this would definitely make sure you always remembered the things you didn't like about them.

Several years before he died, my dad wrote a letter to me and my brother to be opened after his death. It was a lovely letter, about how much he loved us and how proud he was of us.