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AIBU?

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Original poster

to see ex regarding paternity

30 replies

traceybaybee · 01/04/2015 00:41

My ex hasnt been in contact with me since december and now im currently 30 weeks pregnant. I would like to sort a dna test out for when my son is born (there are no other potential fathers, was with ex 3 years). He however doubts paternity saying hes 50/50. He is allegedly emigrating but i dont know how much truth is in that. I had a look online at the .gov website and at the csa and it says if i am in reciept of a qualifying benefit i can get a remission for the cost of the test, i get esa so would qualify. Would i be unreasonable to visit ex to try and sort this out before i give birth? I just want my son to be able to know who his father is Sad.

OP posts:
Mumyum1 · 01/04/2015 01:40

YANBU.
We all have the right to know our lineage. Besides, knowing where we come from helps create a sense of self which is essential for the developing psyche of the child.
Also, you can't have your child potentially drawn to an unknown sibling in the future and horror of horrors start dating them, not understanding why there might be astringent connection.
Get the test done. What an asshole your ex is

Joshuajosephspork · 01/04/2015 08:00

Why do you need a paternity test? You say you know who the father is, therefore you know who the father is. You can tell anybody you want - your child, the CSA or whatever they are called now, your parents, his parents, your friends, his friends. If he is denying/doubting this he can arrange a test.

Joshuajosephspork · 01/04/2015 08:03

But YWNBU to contact him and try and sort it out, no

fourteen · 01/04/2015 08:03

You'd be better off leaving your ex to it and raising your child with no recourse to him whatsoever ime.

Original poster
traceybaybee · 01/04/2015 08:08

joshua he disputes hes the father but doesnt want a dna test done. If i were him id want to find out if i were or not

OP posts:
MammaTJ · 01/04/2015 08:13

From the sound of it, he knows full well, just doesn't want to take responsibility!

Penfold007 · 01/04/2015 08:14

Your yet to be born son will have a right to know who both his parents are. His father has a legal duty to financially support him. Talk to your EX if you think it will help and after the birth apply for maintenance via,the csm

Icimoi · 01/04/2015 08:17

Is he your husband? If so from the CSA's point of view they will assume he's the father and it will be up to him to disprove it - which obviously he can't.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 01/04/2015 08:24

Why are you even considering funding this? You know he is

Original poster
traceybaybee · 01/04/2015 08:32

He isnt my husband we werent married. Thats my thoughts on why he doesnt want a dna test done and im funding it purely so my son can know who his father is unless ex steps up which isnt very likely

OP posts:
Babynamechange · 01/04/2015 08:41

I agree with the others who say why bother with the test when you know he's the father.
Other than that what fourteen said as more than anything children need positive role models in their life and not people who try and shirk any responsibility for them x

PtolemysNeedle · 01/04/2015 08:47

I didn't think you could do DNA tests before a baby was born.

I wouldn't bother trying to sort it out before the baby's here, you won't be able to rely on any agreement he makes. It might save you time and effort just to wait until after the birth and then push for a test to be done then.

Original poster
traceybaybee · 01/04/2015 08:51

The test would be done after my baby is here. I really am gutted its having to come to this but thats just how its went Sad

OP posts:
popalot · 01/04/2015 08:57

I am going to be controversial now but...why waste your time? He is washing his hands of his responsibility even before your child is born, imagine what he's going to be like when the csa are chasing him.

Your son will know who is father is, because you can tell him. If your ex has decided to absolve himself of his parental duty, that is his fault and not yours. You can tell your son when he is older that you tried but he wasn't interested, but that it is not your fault and that you pity his father because he has missed out.

Sorry, it's not what we're 'supposed to do' but chasing dead beat dads is a waste of time. I talk from personal experience. It's a headache and stressful, usually with little or no result. You can get on with your life and maybe meet a man who is kind and gentle and a brilliant father figure full of love and care. And be proud of bringing your child up without the influence of someone who can't even be arsed to admit parental responsibility.

Original poster
traceybaybee · 01/04/2015 09:02

popalot i wouldnt say your being controversial id say your talking sense as are all the other posters. Perhaps its my pregnancy hormones getting the better of me just now. I do know deep down im better off without him as will my son be but it still hurts like hell that he isnt interested yet was good enough to have done the deed in the first place iyswim x

OP posts:
sparechange · 01/04/2015 09:21

Is there a part of you that hopes he will step up if you can prove the baby is his?

I think others are right. You need to say to him 'I know this is your baby, so I'll be telling people you are the father, putting your name down as the father on any forms I need to and telling the baby that you are the father when he is old enough to understand. If you dispute this, go ahead and arrange a DNA test. I'll send you the names of the places that do them if you want'. Leave the ball in his court and don't let the bastard get to you...

WineAndChocolateyummy · 01/04/2015 09:22

What a horrible situation to be in. Is your ex afraid of the financial implications if he accepts paternity? Are you in a position to agree that if he goes ahead with DNA you will waive rights? Or show him that regardless of his admission, you are naming him as Father to the CSA so he will have to pay anyway? Would he then have to prove he wasn't (which he obv can't) As you weren't married, what will birth certificate say under Father? What does his family think...could they talk to him to understand why he is being a git?

NeedsAsockamnesty · 01/04/2015 09:59

Your child will know who dad is because you know (assuming you haven't had anyone else's cock near your vagina).

Why are you pandering to this ridiculous excuse of a man? If he wants to do it let him arange and fund

fourteen · 01/04/2015 10:47

Sod putting his name on any forms. Don't put him on the birth certificate and shut him out of your life, if this is his attitude.

I regret chasing my DS's dad. He's simply a spanner in the works now who has no real interest but is able to kick off and cause trouble because he has PR. He pays, which is fine (although we don't really need the money) but thinks it gives him the right to make ridiculous demands.

I wish I'd just cut all ties in the first place and not tried to make him face up to his responsibilities. It would have saved me a lot of hassle.

FryOneFatManic · 01/04/2015 11:06

He doesn't have to be on the birth certificate for you to chase payment to support the baby.

Original poster
traceybaybee · 01/04/2015 12:01

I went to citizens advice and have an appointment for the 22nd to discuss things properly. The lady i spoke to was very helpful and outlined he doesnt need to be on the birth certificate for maintenance

OP posts:
TheFecklessFairy · 01/04/2015 12:17

Chase him for maintenance by all means - but don't be surprised when you start writing on MN that he has 'reared his head' and wants visiting rights and part-time custody. Stir the dragon at your peril.

WineAndChocolateyummy · 01/04/2015 12:21

When I mentioned the birth certificate, I was thinking more of your son TBH when he's older. It might be a bit upsetting having "father unknown" on it. If they still do that of course. Not that it is the most important thing you are facing at the moment.

Good luck with it all look after yourself and enjoy your pregnancy. Brew Cake

MrsSlocombesPussy · 01/04/2015 12:35

If you're not married, you can't put him on the birth certificate if you register the child alone.

Janebob0 · 01/04/2015 13:00

Hi Tracey

I just wanted to say how brave you are and wish you all the best.

I've been through this situation and I wanted to give you my view on things. I've also read your other threads. I think what I say below is pretty Hard hitting but it is said with the kindest intentions for you I.e. Making your life with your baby the best it can be,

I think you need to leave your ex alone completely. He has made it clear to you that he doesn't want to be involved. You cannot force him to be a father. I think going round to talk to him about a paternity test is just hassling him. He has told you he disputes he is the father, so if he wants the test it's really up to him to contact you.

You know he is the father, so if you want a DNA test it seems to be because you want the the result to try and persuade him to be a dad. The isn't any point in doing that. He will come around to the idea of being a father again if he wants to. There is nothing you can do to change his decision.

If you want CSA and he disputes parentage, then the CSA will order a DNA test, to be paid for by him if he is the fathe. You won't be involved in that process other than giving samples.

from the deepest part of my heart...this man is being a complete bas#ard. But you need to leave him alone. He has made it clear what his decision is. You made the decision to have your baby now you must take full responsibility for that with financial maintnenace from him if you apply for this. But don't expect anything more or try to get him to play a role. Focus your energies on finding another man in due course, one that does care for you and your baby. Don't waste any more time on this man...h

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