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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To expect my nanny to eat with my son?

82 replies

Milkandmarmite · 31/03/2015 17:41

I live alone with my 2.5yr old DS. I have a nanny who looks after him the days I'm working.

I leave very early (before breakfast) and get home after his tea time.

Aibu to expect/hope that the nanny will eat her meals with him? I can understand not breakfast as she'll probably want that at home
And maybe tea is too early, but surely lunch? At the moment I think she's eating hers when he's down for a nap.

I think it's so important to eat together whenever possible.

Thoughts?

OP posts:

madreloco · 31/03/2015 19:32

Doesnt she deserve a break at all? I dont think toddlers need someone to actually eat with them, as long as they are getting attention, what difference does it make if the adult is eating?

GotToBeInItToWinIt · 31/03/2015 19:32

drbonnie mine eats dinner at 5 as she's in bed by 7. If she goes to bed any later she still wakes up at 6 (as that's when DH gets up to shower and she's a light sleeper so always wakes up), and therefore just gets less sleep overall and is grumpy all day. Each to their own eh?

Hissy · 31/03/2015 19:36

Out of interest how much do YOU manage to actually eat when you're giving your toddler lunch?

I'd be lucky to have a mouthful myself! Toddlers are demanding!

Let her do her job while you do yours. Let her eat in peace for the little time she has left until the naps drop

Yabu I'm afraid

museumum · 31/03/2015 19:38

I eat with my 18mo old more meals than not. How else is he going to learn to copy what I do with my cutlery etc? It's not stressful and I don't have to wolf anything.

GotToBeInItToWinIt · 31/03/2015 19:40

My 16 month old manages to eat well with cutlery off a plate even though I don't eat with her!

Original poster

Milkandmarmite · 31/03/2015 19:46

Madreloco - this wasn't a discussion on my nanny having a break!

I think it makes a great deal of difference to see an adult eating.
Children learn from observing, they're willing to try more things, get used to cutlery etc. - I certainly know that he eats better when someone else is eating with him. He's intrigued by watching and being involved.

As I said, I won't mind terribly if she chooses not to eat with him but I can't change my belief that it IS better for him.

OP posts:

LittleBairn · 31/03/2015 19:49

YANBU as an ex nanny I considered this part of my duties. Other than it being nice to eat with someone its a great time to have a chat with the children, remind them of manners and set a good example by eating the same healthy diet.

toffeecrispandacupoftea · 31/03/2015 19:50

I seem to be in a minority but I don't think YABU. If it is important to you, then ask her to eat lunch with him as a minimum.

In line with others comments though, you may then have to accept that she spends slightly less time on other tasks (such as cleaning).

Might be a cultural thing as both my MIL and mother have French heritage but I think it is really important to eat together. Whoever is with my toddler (2yo) eats with her at lunch (Me or MIL normally) and then we eat as a family at 6pm. She is not perfect by any stretch but we do manage to eat food while it's hot and DD feeds herself and burbles away to us.

LittleBairn · 31/03/2015 19:51

I've never had an issue with sharing a meal with a 2.5 year old a younger child makes it more difficult but 2.5 is old enough to be encouraged to sit nicely to eat and not make demands.

DoJo · 31/03/2015 19:55

But all of you who say you don't eat lunch with your toddlers doesn't that mean you have to make two lunches? And same at dinner time?
I eat with my baby and toddler as we all eat the same. Meals are eaten at my normal meal times. I didn't invent new meal times when I had children.

Yes, but it's really not a big deal! I don't think my 3 year old would be able to stay awake to eat at 9 when I eat, and he eats three fairly evenly spaced meals in a day as opposed to my two which tend to be late lunch and later dinner, so it's not a question of 'inventing' new meal times so much as recognising that my eating habits aren't suitable for someone of his age.

GotToBeInItToWinIt · 31/03/2015 20:00

We also don't eat until 9ish. Used to live in Spain and got used to their mealtimes, plus DH often isn't home from work until late. That wouldn't work for 16 month old DD though, as she is asleep at 7 (as I've said upthread). Lunch is usually cold meats/cheeses/bread/fruit etc so no real 'making' involved. Dinner she usually has our leftovers from the night before so again, no great hardship.

TheIronGnome · 31/03/2015 20:00

Is she welcome to the food in your home? Do you buy food you know she likes for her meals?

Sootgremlin · 31/03/2015 20:19

I guess I can understand why she doesn't, however I've always eaten with my children with no stress or difficulty, so I kind of think if I had a Nanny I wouldn't expect that to have to change.

I agree though with those that have said children should just eat with the family generally, it always puzzles me when people seem to treat them as a breed apart, having their own separate feeding schedule, it's always seemed unnecessary to me.

Original poster

Milkandmarmite · 31/03/2015 20:34

Thelrongnome - she's most welcome to anything she would like! She can also make whatever meals she would deem suitable for DS so could make something she fancied too...

OP posts:

Springtimemama · 31/03/2015 20:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Callaird · 31/03/2015 20:48

I'm a nanny and my charge eats so much better by himself if I am eating. He does eat early (12:15) but I find that if I don't eat then, I start doing my duties (and/or watching a spot of tv) and then it gets to his wake up time and I find myself bolting my lunch at 10 to 3, which means I am not hungry at dinner time so go to bed without dinner (like this evening!)

I don't always eat the same as him but he is a good boy and knows that he can try some of mine when he's eaten enough of his own.

If my boss asked me to try to eat with him, then of course I would but I don't have family/a partner at home to feed/eat with in the evening! I tend to have tea with my charge at 5:30 and a snack when I have finished work.

42andGaffaTape · 31/03/2015 21:13

Op I am a nanny and I have always taken my meals with my charges, I have always followed their routine and enjoy our sit down time together. As my charges grow is teaches them so much. The conversation can be so varied and interesting as they have no other distractions. I am a firm believer in that you practice what you preach, from how to hold your cutlery, to acceptable dinner conversations...

plus we have immature moments when we flick peas at each other or eat squirmy cream from the can

TheIronGnome · 31/03/2015 21:17

That does seem weird... I've nannied for 6 years and I eat with the children most of the time- whenever possible. I also try to have what they're having, but that isn't always the case.

Just ask her to, she should do, especially if you ask!

nannynoss · 31/03/2015 21:27

When the toddler was an only child, I used to sit down and eat with her at lunch. I would make us the same (biggish) meal and then I could have a snooze when she did ;). This is the time when we'd focus on table manners, cutlery use etc. Then I would just give her a quick sandwich or something for supper so there was less washing up to do at the hectic bath/bed time of day and she could just pick at it like a picnic.
Now her baby sister has come along, I don't eat with her as much, but I'm sat next to her feeding the baby so it's not much different. I'm not sure how I'd feel about being asked to specifically sit down with her, just because I would hope my boss would trust my judgement on whether to sit with her or not. But that's just because I'm pedantic.
On the days when I wanted to curl up on the sofa with my lunch, I probably wouldn't sit with the toddler while she had her lunch, but sort of potter around her and chat while she eats. Wouldn't leave the room. (I sometimes find children deliberately mess about with their food if you're sat staring at them, much like when you sit watching them get dressed and you get the whole 'I can't get my sock ooooooon' but if you leave the room for 5 minutes, they miraculously appear dressed in 30 seconds).
But, if this is the worst issue with your nanny, you are doing well!

Oly4 · 31/03/2015 21:32

I eat at 8.30pm with my partner every night. It's lovely, we have wine and chat. Our kids eat at 5.30pm and are so far turning out to be great eaters and have great social skills..

Bonsoir · 31/03/2015 21:32

If you want your nanny to share meals with your DC I think you need to make this explicit at interview/recruitment stage. It is not a given (plenty of families want nannies to wait/serve at mealtimes).

LittleBairn · 31/03/2015 21:43

Bonsoir I disagree I've never known a family that wants a nanny to wait/serve meals that's very odd. The vast majority of nannies I have known have all at least eaten lunch with their charges.
Many live in nannies will also eat dinner too because they often work later hours.

42andGaffaTape · 31/03/2015 22:17

bosoir with interviews I have found I am the one who has had to bring shared meal times to the parents attention. I work long hours and believe I should join in with the children as much as possible.
I need to to eat I also need a bit of sit down time. As my charges grow this time becomes harder and harder to achieve, unless I use the meal times.

Tizwailor · 31/03/2015 22:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

maninawomansworld · 31/03/2015 22:55

YABU.
I have 2 year old twins. We eat meals such as Sunday lunches or family meals together on special occasions but day to day we sort the kids then sit down ourselves so we can eat in peace and maybe even before our food goes cold.

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