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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have told DP that I don't think we can afford to take the 'kids' out this weekend?

62 replies

JeanetteBetty · 31/03/2015 14:29

DP wants us to take "the kids" out this weekend. I say "kids" as they're actually 14, 18 and 19. Mine is the 14 year old. His are the elder two. The arrangement is that they visit every weekend but understandably because of their ages this is becoming less and less. However DP clings on to this vision of them being 10 years old and can't understand why they don't want to spend EVERY saturday night sat with us Hmm.

So he's basically thinking up ways to encourage them to come. His latest one is that he wants us to take them all to a trampoline park at weekend. It will cost us over £50 at least.

This month we are struggling on one wage. Have £400 to find for car insurance, money for an MOT and we may need to find £400 for something else which he also wants to go to. Last weekend he spent almost £100 on a night out. We're also spending money on doing up the bathroom and also supposed to be saving up for our wedding.

I suggested that instead, we save the trampoline park for next month when it is his sons 18th, we could make a bigger deal out of it and encorporate itt with a meal etc. He's said "no, we've not done anything with the kids in ages". (That's because they're almost bloody adults!!!!)

Anyway, apart from the fact that they're adults and IMO shouldn't need entertaining every weekend - AIBU to worry about doing something else which will cost over £50 at least when we have so many other financial commitments this month?

OP posts:
Original poster
JeanetteBetty · 31/03/2015 15:16

We are both working. It's just that I'm a full time student until sept (something he agreed for me to do to better our future prospects) however I do work as many hours as they'll let me. Last month however I was on placement so couldn't work - therefore this month I am only bringing in a £300 bursary (as I am paid a month in arrears). Which is why I suggested leaving it until next month, when I'll be bring home £1k instead!

OP posts:
Original poster
JeanetteBetty · 31/03/2015 15:17

See that's another thing, I never said "no, lets not do it" I simply said "lets do it next month when money isn't as tight" !!

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 31/03/2015 15:18

Presumably he is either coming to the end of paying child support or has stopped paying it. Disclaimer: I know nothing about this. Doesn't that mean there is 'spare' money in your budget? Agree that you both need to be working if money is tight.

MrsTerryPratchett · 31/03/2015 15:18

x-posted

TheWitTank · 31/03/2015 15:21

I'm with you op. Yanbu to postpone expensive days out on a tight money month. Doing something cheap this weekend and then treating the family to something next month sounds much more sensible.
To be honest, by 18 I had been working full time for two years, paid rent and wouldn't have ever expected to be 'treated' by my parents. We still went out as a family occasionally, but I would pay or at least contribute to costs.

Original poster
JeanetteBetty · 31/03/2015 15:24

We're still paying maintenance for both of them as they are still in education. This will continue until September when eldest finishes his current course.

OP posts:
worksallhours · 31/03/2015 15:32

It will be pricey if it is one of those new trampoline parks. The one near us would cost you at of minimum £60 for five people for only an hour.

SylvaniansKeepGettingHoovered · 31/03/2015 15:33

Did he miss out on a period of their lives, when they were around 9 or 10yrs old? I'm thinking there must be some reason he wants to take them to a trampoline park. Not many 18yr olds would be keen on that surely?

At age 18, a takeaway or a 'themed food' night in, and maybe watch a film togehter is a good cheap (ish) treat. But most 18yr olds would want to be out with friends I'd have thought.

crazykat · 31/03/2015 15:37

Yanbu. If you can't afford it then you can't afford it.

I don't think you're being spiteful calling them "kids" either, at 18 and 19 they're adults not children. When I was 18 I hardly saw my parents at weekends as I was always with my boyfriend, at 19 I was a mother so hardly a child.

It's a minefield being the nrp and it's good that he wants to maintain a relationship with them but throwing money at days out is no good, whether you can afford it or not. We're in a similar situation with dsd and she isn't interested unless money or fun things are involved, our dcs have to make do with going to the park or playing in the garden so there's no way we're spending money we don't have to bribe dsd to see dh.

If he wanted to take them out so much he shouldn't have blown £100 on a night out. I'd be telling him that as he spent so much money last week and you have lots of bills to pay that the day out will either have to be postponed till the birthday or be an early birthday treat. With the best will in the world you can't magic up money out of thin air.

Charley50 · 31/03/2015 15:54

When I was 18-19 I didn't want to spend a minute with my parents. I'd work all day Saturday, go clubbing all night Saturday night, and spend Sunday recovering at a friends house (foolishly missing out on a nice Sunday roast).
YANBU and I agree with just a walk or a nice meal together. Maybe your DP could plan to cook something a bit fancy and get the "kids" involved in cooking it. (You can just relax and eat it)?

Sethspeaks · 31/03/2015 16:06

He's a Dad who wants to see his late teen children and do something with them.

He's probably a bit off with the thought of the trampoline park, maybe he thought it would appeal to your 14 year old too. Plus there aren't the funds for anything that costs much. So exactly what you do with them needs to be rethought.

I think the unreasonable bit is you suggesting he doesn't see them when he wants to and does something with them at a later date. Do something with them both when he is suggesting AND around the 18th birthday.

crazykat · 31/03/2015 16:10

Op isn't asking her dp to put off seeing his dcs, she's asking him to out off an expensive day out that they can't really afford. There's a big difference between the two.

MrsDoylesCupOfTea · 31/03/2015 16:11

YANBU about spending money you haven't got but yabu (very) about taking young adults out on day trips and you are being very unreasonable about going trampolining. If your Dah doesn't see his kids thst often then its understandable that he wants to have fun with them when he does see them.

My DC (young adults) would love trampolining. I think it's great to spend time doing things together as the kids/young adults get older. I've just taken two of my young adults out to the pub - we played bored games. Maybe it's childish but it's fun.

No one would say it was childish if it was another sport like golf or down hill biking.

PHANTOMnamechanger · 31/03/2015 16:14

It's great that he wants to spend time with his kids, it's not great that he equates this with having to spend lots of money/give them experiences and treats. Very common that NRP feel the need to demonstrate their affection in material ways though, trying to compensate for not being there. I'm not sure they would like the trampoline place anyway! They must have their own ideas of what they want to do weekends with their own friend/partners, no? I would worry they resent him insisting on having "his" time.

It's also not great that he is not sensible with money, and I would seriously be reconsidering my future with this man. Why is it OK for him to spend £100 on a night out when money is tight? Who controls the budget? are all your finances joint?

BoyScout · 31/03/2015 16:16

Why doesn't he take the to the pub and for a curry?

Sethspeaks · 31/03/2015 16:26

I am happy to be corrected crazy cat. My understanding from what the op has said is that she thinks he should postpone seeing them, not do both.

PtolemysNeedle · 31/03/2015 16:55

I think you sound quite mean towards his 'kids'. Why do you have such a problem with the word he usses to refer to his children? They are still his children no matter how old they are, and it's nice that he wants to spend time doing fun things with them.

Maybe spending the day doing an activity with them is more important to him than saving for a wedding and doing up the bathroom, and it's not as if car insurance and not were unexpected expenses that caught you out. Presumably you've known when they're due to be paid for the last year.

I think when you and your child are lucky enough to be financially supported by someone else then you should really get over the fact that he wants to spend £50 quid on his own children. It just comes across as selfish.

glittertits · 31/03/2015 17:01

Agree with pp. Why can't he take them to the pub?

SquinkiesRule · 31/03/2015 17:04

Bless him, he's delusional thinking that an 18 and 19 year old will want to go with Dad to the trampoline park. It'll be full of little kids and they would probably rather he take them out for a beer and a pub lunch anyway.

LotusLight · 31/03/2015 17:05

What you need from non resident parents is number 1 washing - let them bring all their washing and let him do it; number 2 things like buying new clothes mending clothes - get him darning holes in their socks and that kind of stuff. Not silly trips out. Thirdly get them taking about university where they will go to careers and the like. By the way some of us fund older children through university.

I was at university when I was almost 18 although we did still sometimes go on holiday as a family. My 5 including older ones have not surprisingly agreed to come to Barbados this summer! (I am the female resident parent who pays for everything too).

MoominKoalaAndMiniMoom · 31/03/2015 17:05

Seth I didn't see anything to suggest OP wants to postpone their visit. She just wants to postpone the trampoline park.

MrsDoylesCupOfTea · 31/03/2015 17:06

It would cost more than £50 to go the the pub for a curry where I live. It's five adult size meals plus drinks.

Mamus · 31/03/2015 17:06

YANBU, if you can't afford an activity you don't do an activity.

Ratfinkandbobo · 31/03/2015 17:12

I'm amazed the 18 and19 year old want a 'family day out!' At that age my eldest were very busy with their own social life to want to come anywhere with me! Yanbu, if you can't afford it then that's that. It sounds like they are treated like kids not adults!

Sethspeaks · 31/03/2015 17:27

We need clarification from the op Moomin, she is the only one who knows.

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