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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask for positive bonding experiences

48 replies

Underthedeepblueocean · 31/03/2015 12:43

I am pregnant and without wanting to beat around the bush, don't want to be. I seriously considered terminating the pregnancy but I was further along than I thought.

My DD will be 15 months when no3 arrives (I also have a school age son) and I just am dreading it. I feel resentful of the pregnancy and am dreading the birth and just all the horrible feelings about it - there are a hundred good reasons for me NOT to have this baby. But I have to.

I don't even know why I'm posting - just to see if anybody has experienced similar feelings before giving birth? I just hope once she's here I'll love her and not resent her Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
Underthedeepblueocean · 31/03/2015 16:48

Did everyone just find they bonded in pregnancy?

I'm just worried in case these feelings of resentment don't go away.

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ladyrosy · 31/03/2015 16:51

Have you considered giving the baby up for adoption?

And have you considered that you may have some depression, and that is colouring your outlook?

Original poster
Underthedeepblueocean · 31/03/2015 16:53

Considered it loads of times, but I just think it would mean too many questions being asked.

I possibly am a bit depressed. It just all feels so awful. This time last year I was 8 and a half months pregnant, now I am 5 months pregnant and my pregnancies really drain me physically and mentally.

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Sleepyhoglet · 31/03/2015 16:54

I'm on a happy marriage, secure financial situation etc and I felt this way! The photos of me when dd had just been born in the hospital are awful- I look like I'm thinking what is this sticking mewling blob!! Fell in love about a week later and just think she's the best more adorable lovely little thing ever now.

ladyrosy · 31/03/2015 16:54

Do you have a friendly medical professional you could have a chat with about how you feel?

Original poster
Underthedeepblueocean · 31/03/2015 16:56

No unfortunately lady Sad

Sleepy - thanks :) I really hope that happens to me. It's a girl and I've tried to get excited and think how lovely it is that she'll be close in age to her sister and yet I just feel so empty and alone and scared, scared, scared.

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SaucyJack · 31/03/2015 16:58

You'll be reet. You won't be the first woman in the world who isn't delighted to be pregnant, and you won't be the last either.

Just give yourself time to come to terms with it. It's a massive shock.

FWIW I was horrified when I finally dug my head out of the sand and accepted I was pg with DD1. She's now my pride and joy Smile

Have you got a scan booked? Do you think seeing the baby would help or not?

Original poster
Underthedeepblueocean · 31/03/2015 17:01

Have seen the baby and I just feel so horrible for saying this but I don't like her Sad I know that's horrible.

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ladyrosy · 31/03/2015 17:01

PANDAS have a helpline for pre and post natal depression - 0843 28 98 401

Their website is www.pandasfoundation.org.uk/help-and-information.html

It's worth having a read of their information and have a chat with them to see if you think it is something that may be making you feel so low and scared.

You are not alone, even when it feels that way. xx

Original poster
Underthedeepblueocean · 31/03/2015 17:02

Thank you :)

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SaucyJack · 31/03/2015 17:07

I wasn't that chuffed with DD3 when I first clapped eyes on her. I couldn't believe I'd gone through all that pain for such a butt-ugly goblin..... Shock I like her now obviously.

How has her dad taken it?

Also, do you like shopping for prams and other baby bits? You'll need a double with that age gap, so maybe once you start looking around Mothercare etc. you might find yourself becoming a bit more excited. If not, don't stress and don't push yourself.

Original poster
Underthedeepblueocean · 31/03/2015 17:10

Her dad ... we're not together now (we were when she was conceived) and it's obviously meant I'm raising three children with no emotional or practical support.

Some days it just feels unmanageable.

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CloserToFiftyThanTwenty · 31/03/2015 17:13

Sorry to hear this OP

FWIW, I bonded with my adopted child faster than my biological child (who was premature and I really wasn't mentally ready for her to be here). One big difference was that I made a positive effort to do things that promote bonding with my adopted child - easier in some ways because she wasn't a new born, but also because I knew it wouldn't "just come naturally"

The advice given to new adopters is "fake it until you make it " - ie behave as if you are attached and in time you will be. Lots of people swear by this, if you really do want to make it work.

Original poster
Underthedeepblueocean · 31/03/2015 17:20

Thanks, I'll definitely try. I know it's not her fault. I just feel so muddled; I didn't want another baby at all and I'm having one just a few months after having one!

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MrsDeVere · 31/03/2015 17:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Totality22 · 31/03/2015 17:26

What will the age gap be? in my sleep deprived state I can't even do basic maths

I would definitely speak to a professional, people can struggle even with planned pregnancies.

What is your support network like? Do you have friends and family nearby?

MamaLazarou · 31/03/2015 17:28

I don't think there is necessarily a link between bonding with the foetus during pregnancy and bonding with the baby when it's born. I felt that I bonded very strongly with my son when I was pregnant with him, but when he arrived, I didn't have a clue who he was! I hope it will be the other way round for you and that everything will be ok once the baby is here.

Good luck, OP x

StillProcrastinating · 31/03/2015 17:29

I have no clue about this, so take my post or leave it as am not an expert.

Let's face it, if this is your third, you are under no illusions about the initial baby phase and how hard it can be, and it sounds like this time you won't have support of DH. I'm not surprised there is anxiety, don't be hard on yourself. You know it will be tough to start with. But you also recognise how you feel and are seeking to do something about it. That says a lot.

Good luck, hopefully knowledgeable posters can give you some good suggestions for what you can do.

Original poster
Underthedeepblueocean · 31/03/2015 17:30

Oh Mrs I am so so sorry to hear you lost your daughter. Life is so bloody unfair, isn't it? I sound so horrible now Sad My own parents lost a baby - my sister - I never knew her as she died at eighteen months and I doubt they'd have gone on to have me which is strange, although in fairness I never felt like a replacement - just a blessing.

It took a while to click with DS in all honesty (he is 8) - I just think that while I think babies are sweet I just seem to be a slow burner and love them more the older they get. I utterly adore him now and one of the guilt inducing feelings is that he's now had nearly two years of pregnancy/breastfeeding / newborn baby girls - it's so disruptive.

DD1 is a shrieker - lovely as she is - coordinating all their needs is scaring me!

Thank you Flowers

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Original poster
Underthedeepblueocean · 31/03/2015 17:30

Thank you still :)

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Egog · 31/03/2015 17:37

I was really worried about having DD (tricky relationship with my own Mum that I was worried about replicating).

All through pregnancy I felt a bit like it was DH's baby, not mine, as he really wanted a girl, and was so incredibly happy about it.

We bonded after she was born, and I love her so much, I can't imagine it being any other way. It took time though, so please ignore all the crappy Disney-esque happy singing dancing bonding stories, they just set people up to fail.

Congratulations on the baby too!

Looseleaf · 31/03/2015 17:39

You poor thing and I don't think you're alone and it's good you're being so honest. I really wish you well as it sounds so hard.

I didn't bond properly until grew to know DD and we have the closest bond now. I remember when she was a little baby with wires all over her in hospital as had a heart problem and I felt worried I wasn't more upset- but it just took me time and I neednt have worried as she's my whole life now and both DC fill it with such happiness.

Did you manage to breastfeed before as it has been shown to trigger amazing bonding hormones but I can't remember exactly- oxytocin ?
I also read a link between antenatal depression and a deficiency in certain oils so do take a cod liver supplement, as innocuous as it sounds.
So that's 2 proven thinks to try, as well as lots of skin to skin time and talking if you can. But above all carry on sharing how you feel especially to anyone you trust, or even on here, and to a doctor if you're worried as you need to feel supported . Wishing you all the best

MrsDeVere · 31/03/2015 17:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Underthedeepblueocean · 31/03/2015 17:54

Thank you, both. Yes, I was able to breastfeed although not for as long as I might have liked with DS. I breastfed DD for 7 months though.

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Original poster
Underthedeepblueocean · 31/03/2015 17:56

Ah thank you mrs

I am just so mixed up with it. I think I will love her when she's here. I got so upset thinking about the baby on that flight and then I thought I shouldn't feel sad about that when I was rejecting my own child. So silly!

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