I bonded in pregnancy with both of mine, but after the birth I had difficulties with my first. I was quite ill following the birth of my son, the midwives let me home despite having retained the placenta and having signs of infection (fever when checking temperature and feeling ill, serious anaemia which I had symptoms of (dizziness and breathlessness on standing, and extreme fatigue), and a blocked bowel which I knew I had before the birth, and begged them to do something about, and they still let me leave hospital without a bowel movement.
I thought that was maybe the normal way to feel post-birth, but was rushed back into hospital kneeling on the backseat of my mum's car twenty four hours later, and kept away from my baby for almost a week.
I think there was a degree of resentment towards the baby that I wasn't fully aware of, because I had to recover whilst feeling very ill, and without any support after the first week home. There was also the shock of the separation, which made me believe in my feverish head, then morphine addled brain, that my baby was secretly dead and no one would tell me.
There were postnatal mental health problems too, and it all ended up in me finding it hard to bond, I felt protective at times, but none of that mother's love we were supposed to feel a rush of.
When I had my second, I was terrified that it would be the same as my first, who after a psychotic break, I finally began to feel love towards. It took me eighteen months before I truly felt like a mum.
This lead me to make choices to try to make the first few weeks as peaceful as possible, I chose not to leave the hospital before I felt confident we were both well, both physically and emotionally. Instead of a day, I was in for five. I took it all nice and slow, went in a week before induction to allow me time to adjust and for some bedrest, I took my mother as a birthing partner to ensure my needs were met and listened to when I wasn't able to ensure it myself. I learned as much as I could about labour and breastfeeding and bonding while pregnant, and ensure there was support in place to help me establish breastfeeding as that was important to me. And I ensured I had some quiet time at home, just me and baby in the first fortnight to allow us space to bond. DS went on an adventure with granny and visited me daily, but with her supervision so he didn't feel left out of his baby sister's birth and so I could cope with them both.
The labour was less frightening, I managed to deliver without any damage, although I still haemorrhaged and needed medication for that, I was able to do skin to skin immediately, with mum ensuring that's what happened, and had baby at breast immediately too, with support from a breastfeeding counsellor in latching. I was given time after first feed to go clean myself and get comfortable, and pain relief for my joint condition which I didn't receive the first time around as it was present then but not diagnosed. I was also given support on the ward by the midwives at night to allow me to rest and sleep, DD was looked after in the night nursery and brought to me for breastfeeds, with a side cot attached to the bed for safe co-sleeping. And of course, when I was deemed fit and healthy with no bowel blockages, I was allowed home with plenty of supervision (daily visits and phonecalls) from midwife who was aware of my previous difficulties, with the house tidied by mum and plenty of easy meal options so I could focus on our bonding.
My second was a particularly restless baby, where my first had been an angel, so there were tough times, but it was also a very special time as I had been so concerned through pregnancy with similar thoughts to yourself OP. I considered a termination as it was unexpected and in the first few weeks an unwanted pregnancy as I was single with no support from her father, and a disabled mum already to a toddler of eighteen months-ish when I fell pregnant. I couldn't go through with it as a previous termination has always played on my mind and been difficult to live with, especially since the birth of my first child.
The most important part of dealing with it was being informed and making positive choices, and having the support of not only my mother as an excellent birth partner and granny for my son, but of the people who were around me during and after the birth. My options don't need be the same as yours of course, but they were all pretty helpful with bonding, especially the breastfeeding.
Don't be afraid to talk about these thoughts with your midwife, get that support put in place, make informed choices, and take any help available from family or friends to help make those early days count. xx