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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think that a competitive personality could be an innate trait

40 replies

calmseeker · 30/03/2015 06:47

My son has made a competition of many things, even when very small. He is an only child. I haven't particularly encouraged it. Now he is 5 and he cannot cope with losing, in fact it stops him from participating in some things because he throws a tantrum if he loses. I have had endless discussions with him on how we learn things, how I got better at things (i.e through perseverance) but to know affect. He goes to swimming lessons and is fairly ambivalent until (occasionally) the coach has races, then he is at his best. What do others think..... nature or nurture.....

OP posts:

antumbra · 30/03/2015 06:58

Nurture.

My kids are not competitive at all. Neither am I, and OH has no interest in sport.
Children learn though observation and behaviour modelling rather than discussion.

LindyHemming · 30/03/2015 07:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JassyRadlett · 30/03/2015 07:01

I think there is an element of innate personality - I look at myself and my siblings, and there are huge variations in competitiveness, which I've also seen in friends' kids.

As someone who is naturally quite competitive, your son does need strategies to deal with his competitiveness - in moderation it's useful but it can be really problematic - but sounds like you're on it!

antumbra · 30/03/2015 07:06

OP are you or your OH competitive?

SugarPlumTree · 30/03/2015 07:06

DH and I are both very uncompetitive and so is DD. DS is however a bit competitive and I think in a family which was competitive would be very competitive like my Mother and Brother. So I think a bit nature and nurture .

chutneypig · 30/03/2015 07:10

I think there will be an element of both, same as most things. I suspect one of my children wouldn't be anywhere as near as competitive if he wasn't a twin. DD on the other hand I think would be. Most twins of my acquaintance are competitive with each other. Mine take it to extremes to the point they often won't enjoy what they are doing or having because they're worrying about what the other one has.

seriouslypeedoff · 30/03/2015 07:11

I believe somethings are just there. My oldest is not competitive at all. My youngest is extremely competitive, even to the point he has to go down stairs first and get to the car first, knock on their gps door first. If he does win he tends to tantrum. Alot of work had gone into showing him that it doesn't really matter and he is doing better.

He isn't as competitive with his younger cousins or at school. However, me and dh are quite uncompetitive. So if it is nuture rather than nature, I can't really see where its come from.

Mistigri · 30/03/2015 07:16

I think it is most likely an innate trait that can be amplified or suppressed depending on upbringing.

I'm quite competitive. DD is a bit competitive but she's also quite lazy and pragmatic so it's toned down. Her brother is competitive and a poor loser. He has difficulty controlling his emotions more generally, though, and being a poor loser is as much about self-control as about competitiveness. (I'm competitive but a good loser).

albertcamus · 30/03/2015 07:24

I'm absolutely not competitive, despite having a mother who had to win eg flower shows, a father obsessed with sports & a jealous cow of a sister. My bossy gels' boarding school was all about being ranked for everything, which made me care even less where I was on the list, even in the things I was near the top in (how useful are Latin Reading & Deportment ?!). Looking back at my life, now I'm 51, this laid-back attitude has served me well : I'm proud of how I've brought up 3DC and run our home & my work successfully without ever comparing myself to others. I'm also not remotely jealous of anything others may have, this is what I've tried to pass on to my DC.

Original poster

calmseeker · 30/03/2015 07:25

To Antumbra yes I am competitive in some activities others I don't care. I am a single mother. He was trying to be first at little things from a very early age.

OP posts:

seriouslypeedoff · 30/03/2015 07:30

Actually thinking about it, my brother is very competitive. He doesn't have loads of contact with my ds, but alot of things my ds does reminds me of him. I think it can be nature and can be nurture. Some kids will be naturally competitive l, some kids learn it.

MaryWestmacott · 30/03/2015 07:34

I think you can accidentally make children more competitive, if when you play games you always let the toddler win, do big "well done!" For winning etc. we certainly made this mistake with dc1, but he was at nursery and they suggested when he was around 3 to stop always letting him win. It was hard for a while, but he's much better now at 5. We also had a "no gloating" rule an being a kind winner.

HermioneGrangerHair · 30/03/2015 07:41

I think it's probably a bit of both. I think birth order is probably an element of it. But I think you have to distinguish competitiveness from being a bad loser: they're often found together, but they're two separate traits. How to lose gracefully can definitely be taught, by losing at least as often as you win! I totally understand you wanting to avoid those situations with your son, but I suspect it actually exacerbates the problem. Maybe you can practice more with board games at home, in a controlled environment?

antumbra · 30/03/2015 07:43

Life is competitive- for all species.
Hopefully our luck of intellect allows us to rise above it.

JohnFarleysRuskin · 30/03/2015 07:44

Like most personality traits it's a mixture of both of course.

Greysanderson · 30/03/2015 07:47

A mixture of both

Original poster

calmseeker · 30/03/2015 07:50

Yes MaryWestmacott I definitely am a person who lets him win. To be honest if he doesn't there is such a massive meltdown. So basically I am trying avoid the meltdowns .Also to HermioneGrangeHair he is very definitely a poor loser. I have played board games but think maybe I might have to start with something a little less intense. It may seem ironic but I am in a job which requires me to help children handle these situations and deal with them but I feel I have not managed this well with my son.

OP posts:

pinkje · 30/03/2015 08:00

You don't need board games to work on this - though it helps, just takes more time.

Try simpler games like rock-paper-scissors, knots and crosses is also good and can be repeated ad nauseum with both you and him winning and losing.

Charlotte3333 · 30/03/2015 09:29

DS1 is competitive and likes to be the best at everything. DS2 doesn't give a toss about anything and would rather eat a biscuit. DS1 is like me, DS2 is like DH.

So I think nature and nurture. My nephew is the most competitive child I've ever known, to the point where he'll have a tantrum at school if he doesn't get all his spellings right (he's 11, so not a baby), and it makes for difficult family gatherings because any board games end up in hysteria, so family have spent years letting him win, which has fed the need to win.

We don't do that with DS1; he loves to win but has learned to lose, take turns, share and accept that he can't always be the best. At 9 he's now almost entirely rational. Unless he's playing Monopoly, a game of that and I need a large gin and a lie down in a dark room.

MistyMeena · 30/03/2015 09:33

DH and I are very laid back and non-competitive but DS1was a nightmare at that age, huge tantrums if he lost any even mildly competitive activity. He has (mostly) grown out of it now though, at nearly 11, so there is hope!

funnyossity · 30/03/2015 09:36

Age 5 is bad for accepting losing ime and they get better at coping (or realise it's not such a big deal) as time goes on. One of mine can be very volatile (a recurring personality trait-I think a lot of it is anxiety based) I dealt with it by defusing the fuss, stopping the card game and trying again a couple of months later - we tend to play cards in school holidays at some point.

walde · 30/03/2015 09:42

This might be a bit off topic, but do you think being competitive is necessarily a negative trait? I know people think that me and DH are super competitive, but I'm not sure whether this is always a bad thing, because it makes us motivated to do well at things. Where do you draw the line between being competitive and being motivated to succeed?

Enb76 · 30/03/2015 09:53

I think it's nature and nurture. I am competitive, my whole family is competitive. My child is not at all competitive and neither is her father's family. I wish she were a little more competitive and I'm fostering it a little in her as I don't think it's necessarily a bad thing. It's stood me in good stead, wanting to be better at stuff than other people has often made me work harder than them.

There are some negative aspects of it which can be overcome. Not trying because you're not automatically a winner is one of them which sounds like your son. To win, you need not only the talent but the practice.

ragged · 30/03/2015 10:05

I am quite uncompetitive, DH is moderately competitive. DC2 is fiercely competitive with DC3 on her coat-tails, while DC1 & DC4 are fairly not bothered. All this correlates to how much raw talent they each have; the more able they are, they more competitive they are.

My mother harangued me for being what she thought was competitive, she thought it was such an ugly personality trait. I was lousy at all things competitive anyway. Funny thing is that both my parents were moderately competitive (keen and not bad at sport).

I vote mostly Nature.

drudgetrudy · 30/03/2015 10:11

I think nature definitely comes in to it.
To those who say it is learned because your own lack of competitiveness is reflected in your children-has it occurred to you that this could also be an argument for heredity.
I used to think most things were nurture but life experience, working in CAMHS, adoption etc has shown me that nature and nurture are woven into creating an individual and nature is a strong force. (Nurture also has a strong effect of course and can modify nature).

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