to think that a competitive personality could be an innate trait

[calmseeker]

My son has made a competition of many things, even when very small. He is an only child. I haven't particularly encouraged it. Now he is 5 and he cannot cope with losing, in fact it stops him from participating in some things because he throws a tantrum if he loses. I have had endless discussions with him on how we learn things, how I got better at things (i.e through perseverance) but to know affect. He goes to swimming lessons and is fairly ambivalent until (occasionally) the coach has races, then he is at his best. What do others think..... nature or nurture.....

DS1 is competitive, and won't try something again if he's not immediately good at it, which is a problem.

He won't play competitive sports as he hates losing and isn't naturally good at them. The tantrums at football were embarrassing, and we were asked not to bring him back to tennis club.

I heard nature and nurture described as the warp threads and the weft - in the final fabric you cannot discern which is which.

I like the way you describe it funnyosity

Me and DH are not at all competitive. The absolute opposite really. DS is not at all competitive, and yet DD1 is very competitive and gets distraught if she fails at anything. She can have a meltdown if she can't draw something, run as fast, make perfect cakes, anything really. DD2 is only one, who knows?

I also think both generally, but in our experience, mostly nature.

I think it's a mix.

I also think that once you experience winning, it can be addictive. My brother for example, as a toddler was AMAZING at everything, could talk in sentences by the time he turned 1, rode a bike without stabilisers before 2, could write full stories by 3 etc. He was 'the best' at everything, he won all the swimming races, the running races, the who can collect the most ball games. This made him competitive. And as his peers caught up (by the time he was 10 he was bright, but a normal kid again) he didn't cope well with losing.

I am the most uncompetative person you will ever meet. Maybe that's because my brother always won, so I got used to it and didn't care. There is less than 2 years between us.

My younger brother, 10 years younger so pretty much wasn't brought up with us, we were at boarding school, then university, then left home, we never even really lived with him. He is SO competitive, just like my older brother. But he is dyslexic and dyspraxic, he's not good at English, or math, or sport. But my god does he work hard to get there. That's got to be nature. No reason for it, my parents are incredibly non-competitive, just like me.

My dh is super competitive.. Always has been since a child..his siblings aren't and his parents did nothing to encourage or discourage it..it's just him. I'm sort of in between.. Academically at school l was competitive and so is our dd.. Two ds couldn't give a hoot..you couldn't motivate them by competition. I think it's personality and can be harnessed for the good.

I think it is a mixture of both. I would previously have said it was just nature, but we have the same problem as you OP, with DS being very competitive and a bad loser. In trying to manage it I have noticed how often I make things a race, or praise him for results not effort. This is something I am working hard to change. He is getting better as he gets older though.

I agree with a PP that being competitive is not necessarily a bad thing, as it drives you to try harder, although being able to lose gracefully is important.

I'm extremely competitive. I've been known to put the DDs hair up in a bun with a foam roll to keep the beanbag on their heads on sports day.
DH is really chilled out. Dd1 takes after me, she try's really hard to get a good result. Dd2 is like her dad, and will just wing it where ever possible.

I just can't be bothered to be competitive. I have never understood these people who have to win. I remember going quad biking once on a hen do and we had to compete in races. Some people were getting really het up about wanting to win. Personally I was quite happy just pootling round by myself. Anyway I would say nature.

Letting your kid get away with things for the sake of a quite life i.e. avoiding 'meltdowns' is a recipe for disaster. Good job you've spotted this early OP.

The thing that helped my DGC with this was starting a sport; the coach was very insistent on 'sporting behaviour' whether the children won or lost - he taught them to be a gracious winner, but also a gracious loser.

Because it was coming from someone outside the family, DGC accepted this - and then the rest of us could reinforce that when we played board games etc at home. It's made a real difference.

Yes it's been interesting reading this thread. My view is that some children may be innately more determined to do well and 'win' than others. And that is not a bad thing. What I hadn't really separated (and someone made the point up thread is ) that being competitive and being a bad loser are two different things. My son is only five and up until recently I put it down to part of his personality and his age but now I can see it is something which he needs some guidance on. Also when it becomes something which hinders perseverance and participation it is a problem. I have not completely given my child a free reign with his meltdowns.I have found some of the comments and suggestions quite thought provoking and this is helping me to work out how to work with my son.

I don't think that wanting to do well and being competitive are the same thing. Many people want to improve their own performance at art, sport, writing etc without necessarily having an eye to what other people are doing.

Yes your right Drudgetrudy there is a difference.