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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think if I have to tell him I want more considerate gestures then they wouldn't count?

50 replies

Nightingalemumoftwo · 29/03/2015 14:18

If you have tp tell your partner that he should occasionally tell you he loves you, take you for a romantic meal, grab and kiss you while out for a walk, pay you a compliment when you look good, maybe surprise you with a present when not expected, then really it spoils the magic? I cannot make someone want to do these things, but really they should know? If I told him I wanted him to do these things then he'd only be doing them because I asked him to
Does all that make sense?
AIBU?

OP posts:

MrsFlannel · 29/03/2015 14:20

The "magic" is in fairy tales. In real life, humans have to communicate their desires and needs. Tell him and stop being so fanciful.

Earlybird · 29/03/2015 14:23

Tell him what you want, and what is important to you. He can't read your mind.

Sitting around expecting him to figure it out - and then getting angry/being disappointed when he doesn't - is passive aggressive.

Do you do little thoughtful/considerate/romantic things for him?

formerbabe · 29/03/2015 14:24

I think men who do the things you have described are few and far between! And judging by the men I and my friends have known, the ones who do are often the biggest arseholes underneath the facade.

Original poster

Nightingalemumoftwo · 29/03/2015 14:25

but it wouldn't be genuine or spontaneous if I told him. Like saying to someone "hey, wish me a happy birthday" "happy birthday" "wow, thanks!" Not.
I want him to figure it out but am disappointed at his lack of nice gestures.
I pay him compliments/tell him I love him/do nice things for him btw.

OP posts:

Earlybird · 29/03/2015 14:31

Has he always been this way?

Original poster

Nightingalemumoftwo · 29/03/2015 14:40

Earlybird, yes but getting grafually worse. Little example: if we order a platter to share, I expect us to share it, maybe talk while we eat, look at each other. Not him say "take what you want" while he plays on his ipad and then eats what I don't want. Something so little that could have been 10 minutes of being intimate becomes just a practical bite to eat. I think I'm sad and angry.

OP posts:

ilovesooty · 29/03/2015 14:43

I agree with the previous posters. Communicate rather than expecting him to mind read. Relationships shift and change and if you're feeling taken for granted you need to say so.

MrsFlannel · 29/03/2015 14:44

Some people weren't brought up to be demonstrative...or even well mannered....so you're wishing for something which hasn't been innate in him since he was a child.

You will need to teach him.

His playing on an ipad whilst you're eating out is simply rude. Did you tell him this is rude?

Original poster

Nightingalemumoftwo · 29/03/2015 14:48

Yes; if I tell him he stops, only to pick it up again at the next opportunity/ time.

OP posts:

GotToBeInItToWinIt · 29/03/2015 14:48

It sounds like you want him to be someone he's not. My DH will tell me he loves me, pay me compliments etc because that's the kind of man he is. If he wasn't that kind of man, I wouldn't expect him to do it. You're right, it wouldn't be the same if you told him to do it. But he's not going to do it spontaneously, so where does that leave you?
FWIW we have a mealtime iPad/phone ban as we were both as bad as each other!

AuntieStella · 29/03/2015 14:49

Communication works well for specifics.

But I think there's a general background level of affection/niceness that you shouldn't have to ask for. And you shouldn't have to keep explaining what sort of gestures you like from time to time. Remembering what pleases someone who matters to you shouldn't be difficult; nor should doing it from time to time.

No, it won't be like the movies. But yes, demonstrativeness is a reasonable expectation.

PeachyPants · 29/03/2015 14:51

I can see where you are coming from but as I see it you have four choices. 1.) wait around for him to start doing spontaneously romantic/considerate things which may well never happen and leave you slowing festering with resentment. 2.) Ask him for what you want but again allow your resentment to sour those gestures. 3.) Leave. 4.) Accept that some people are less demonstrative in their affection and show their love in different ways, then either ask for what you want and accept his prompted affection or accept that he's just not like that. Does he do other things for you that he would consider demonstrations of love, respect and commitment? If so I'd opt for number four.

Original poster

Nightingalemumoftwo · 29/03/2015 14:58

GotToBeInIt, "where does that leave you?" is what I've been asking myself. It's a bit lonely to feel in a relationship with no romance. I don't know.
AuntieStella, exactly!!

It really isn't that hard to please me. Why can't he do it? Does it mean he's lazy, not in love, just going through the motions? I guess from the outside we look like a couple who have been together many years and have nothing to say to each other. Pity, I love him.

OP posts:

ilovesooty · 29/03/2015 15:01

If you don't know what his behaviour means you really need to ask him those questions. I see a good few couples in relationship counselling and the issue of couples who love one another but have forgotten how to communicate is more common in therapy than you might think.

Original poster

Nightingalemumoftwo · 29/03/2015 15:01

He has got cards for my DC to give to me from them, he has done little DIY jobs I needed. I always do lots for him and like doing things for him, but I do feel unappreciated.

OP posts:

ilovesooty · 29/03/2015 15:02

And he gives you first choice of the sharing platter.

Original poster

Nightingalemumoftwo · 29/03/2015 15:04

ilovesooty that's made me chuckle!

OP posts:

TinklyLittleLaugh · 29/03/2015 15:11

Expecting him not to be on the iPad is merely common courtesy, not a romantic gesture.

My DH is pretty unromantic, doesn't really do flowers and compliments. But he goes out and scrapes my car for me on a cold morning. He gets up quietly and let's me sleep in when I'm tired. He more than pulls his weight with the chores.

It's more about being nice to each other isn't it?

ilovesooty · 29/03/2015 15:14

Glad it made you chuckle - I wondered whether to post it.

Gralick · 29/03/2015 15:17

When I've had this in past relationships, it's not been a question of communication. I communicate like crazy, but some people insist on hearing "I would like ..." as nagging, criticising or being 'needy'. (I never get why stating your needs is deemed a bad thing, but still.)

Some of the partners didn't know or care who I was - therefore, had no clue about what would make me happy and little interest in doing it.

XH2 knew exactly what I like and what makes me happy, but got some perverse pleasure out of not doing it. He operated a system of intermittent rewards, the wanker.

What happens when you talk to him about it. Nightingale?

Original poster

Nightingalemumoftwo · 29/03/2015 16:43

Gralick, XH2 sounds nasty!
If I mention to my boyfriend about compliments etc, he gets visibly annoyed and reminds me of that time he did pay me a compliment (ages ago, if I asked him how I look and he replied "fine"!)!

OP posts:

googoodolly · 29/03/2015 16:50

Some people just don't DO romance. What are his good points? Could
you focus on what he does do instead of what he doesn't?

Earlybird · 29/03/2015 16:53

Do you live together?

How long have you been a couple?

Just because you are in an established long term relationship, it does not mean you stop making an effort for each other.

As an aside: I saw something on telly about a week ago about the division of labour in a family. It featured an interview with a husband and wife (separately) about their individual household responsibilities. I was quite impressed when the dh said 'part of my job around here is to keep my wife happy. When she's happy and feeling appreciated, everything is much better in our home'. He said it in a very matter-of-fact manner. Made perfect sense to me, and I thought 'what a wise man'.

Earlybird · 29/03/2015 16:56

But, having said what I said earlier, you can't fault your dp for being who he's always been. If he's always been this way, it is unreasonable for you to be unhappy with him because of it.

Could it be that you are not nearly as enchanted with him as previously, and now are simply less less tolerant of this quality?

Gralick · 29/03/2015 17:14

I don't like that he gets visibly annoyed :( If noticing when his girlfriend's hair looks nice is too much bloody trouble for him - and his girlfriend asking for a bit of consideration is annoying - perhaps he'd be better off with an invisible girlfriend who never speaks!

What Early said - perhaps you're going off him and/or realising you'd like a bit more of a give-and-take relationship?

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