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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think if I have to tell him I want more considerate gestures then they wouldn't count?

50 replies

Nightingalemumoftwo · 29/03/2015 14:18

If you have tp tell your partner that he should occasionally tell you he loves you, take you for a romantic meal, grab and kiss you while out for a walk, pay you a compliment when you look good, maybe surprise you with a present when not expected, then really it spoils the magic? I cannot make someone want to do these things, but really they should know? If I told him I wanted him to do these things then he'd only be doing them because I asked him to
Does all that make sense?
AIBU?

OP posts:

JigsawsAreAllLittlePieces · 29/03/2015 17:23

Nightingale

Little example: if we order a platter to share, I expect us to share it, maybe talk while we eat, look at each other. Not him say "take what you want" while he plays on his ipad and then eats what I don't want

I would scoff the lot while he was preoccupied. Even if it made me sick afterwards. Or eat what I wanted and then discreetly over salt everything left on the platter/wave to the waiter that you've finished so it gets taken away.

I would definitely find some way to make him realise that sometimes, you have to interact with your partner. Mealtimes especially.

SolidGoldBrass · 29/03/2015 19:17

How long have you been together? Do you live together and have DC together?

TBH wanting compliments and romantic meals sounds a bit whiny and princessy if your DP is an otherwise decent man. Does he pull his weight round the house? Does he do other kind things for you (help you with things you struggle with, whether that's car insurance or getting the best out of your phone camera/take the DC out when you need a bit of a rest/listen when you are worrying about something at work and offer sound advice)?
If he only seems to notice you are there when he wants his dick sucked, then maybe the relationship has run its course.

GraysAnalogy · 29/03/2015 19:19

Maybe you should have found somewhere who does do these things?

olympicsrock · 29/03/2015 20:05

That sounds lonely. My sister is in a similar relationship. He is a good man hardworking and he earns a good living and loves his children. But he is just not affectionate or romantic. I would not want to spend the rest of my life without feeling loved and special. Has he always been like this or has something changed?

redexpat · 29/03/2015 21:31

You need the 5 love languages book.

I pay him compliments/tell him I love him/do nice things for him

Words of affirmation and acts of service are 2 of the 5 ways we show love. We tend to show love in the way we want to receive it, but your DP wont necessarily have the same ideas as to what constitutes a show of love. The other languages are giving gifts, physical touch and time together. We tend to favour 2 of the 5, so on the basis that he plays his ipad when you're eating Im ruling out time together as his. Does he like getting presents and being touched affectionately?

I think there's a test online if you google it.

Original poster

Nightingalemumoftwo · 30/03/2015 10:24

Olympic, he has always been like this but getting gradually worse.
Redexpat, thanks, will order on Amazon! He likes my company and on his days off always wants to be with me.
We have been together 2 years, do not live together.

Last night wasn't very good- we were out with colleagues of mine. One colleague asked him how we met. His reply :" well one night I went to a brothel and met Nightingalemumoftwo"
Of course it was a joke but not remotely funny.

OP posts:

Original poster

Nightingalemumoftwo · 30/03/2015 10:28

He also said we haven't had sex in a year. We have sex everytime we see eacb other (at least 3 times a week!!). I'm confused.

OP posts:

TendonQueen · 30/03/2015 10:35

He said the sex thing to your colleagues? Or was this later? What did you/they say?

His social skills need some work in my view. On the iPad front, I'd say when you go anywhere that you are fed up being second best to it and it needs to stay in the car/ at home so he can't keep picking it up. If he doesn't agree I would tell him in that case you'll give the evening a miss.

Gralick · 30/03/2015 10:52

What???!!!

So sorry, Nightingale, that's horrible. If someone said those things to me about their partner, I'd assume he held her in absolute contempt, was a misogynist, and was up for an extra-marital shag.

You deserve better.

Branleuse · 30/03/2015 10:57

i tell my dp how i want to be treated. I know how he likes to be treated as hes told me. It doesn't always happen but the fact we have communicated it to each other doesnt detract. People arent mind readers and its a bit of a fantasy to expect spontaneous imaginative romantic gestures that are alwats perfect.

AmyElliotDunne · 30/03/2015 11:14

He sounds completely a bit disrespectful after that update. The least he can do is put down his phone/ipad over lunch (I assume from the sharing platter that this is in a restaurant, which is even worse than at home, but still the same either way).

My DP and I eat out several times a week and if he has to take a work call he is always very apologetic and certainly wouldn't initiate a call or play on his phone while out with me. That is beyond rude. We don't use phones in bed and limit time on them when we're together as we're both a bit obsessive and would end up ignoring each other constantly otherwise!

He does sometimes need reminding that I also enjoy being touched and stroked in a loving way - he craves my hands on him but has a habit of bunching up his own hands into fists while we're sitting together and I have to grab them and 'splat' them open onto me to make a point! He does apologise and says it's not intentional, but when I point it out to him he makes more effort and has recently started offering foot rubs etc to try and even things out a bit. Even if these things don't come naturally, your DP needs to understand that it is important to you.

Telling him you'd like to be complimented isn't the time for him to tell you that actually you're wrong, that he did compliment you on such and such a date, it's the time to say "sorry you don't feel appreciated, I do think you're beautiful and I should tell you more often". I know it's only natural to get defensive when someone calls you up on your shortcomings, but he needs to accept it to be able to do something about it.

It seems like maybe your DP isn't going to step up and make you feel wanted You can try plugging away at it, but you can't change someone and you will just end up resentful.

AmyElliotDunne · 30/03/2015 11:18

What I meant to say before going off on a ramble was...

...to start with he said it made him self-conscious trying to remember to put his hands on me, felt a bit forced etc. but that's fine, because given time it has come more naturally (fake it 'til you make it type of thing).

If you have to ask him to do it, yes it will feel a bit inauthentic, but hopefully once he sees how happy it makes you it will become less forced and more automatic.

SolidGoldBrass · 30/03/2015 11:37

Hmm, those are unpleasant things to say about you in your presence. It does sound like this relationship is on its way out, and please bear in mind that it's not the end of the world to get rid of a man who doesn't make you happy.

GammonAndEgg · 30/03/2015 11:49

what did you say!

CMOTGilbertBlythe · 30/03/2015 12:10

Er.

He called you a prostitute in front of your friends.

I thought he sounded disrespectful before your latest update!

BestZebbie · 30/03/2015 12:20

Asking in general doesn't make the gestures inauthentic, only if you asked for a specific 'spontaneous' gesture and then he did it immediately.

LadyGregory · 30/03/2015 12:38

I think your increasing dissatisfaction suggests you've grown out of the relationship, or that moving beyond an initial feeling of novelty/romance in the early days has revealed the fact that he is someone who is only prepared to pay you attention when you're actually having sex with him.

Original poster

Nightingalemumoftwo · 30/03/2015 14:08

He basically called me a prostitute in front of colleagues he'd never met before. He likes a social environment but often makes jokes which make me cringe.
Also, why say we haven't had sex for a year and hinting it's because I don't want to, when in fact we have a very lively sex life???
So today I mentioned to him "oh baby btw don't joke about meeting me in a brothel, of course others know it's not the case but it's still disrespectful " etc. He said it was obvious he was joking (not funny anyway!) and then said ok but was a bit frosty aftee that.

OP posts:

Original poster

Nightingalemumoftwo · 30/03/2015 14:09

LadyGregory, I don't know, I love him, I judt don't feel loved back.

OP posts:

angelos02 · 30/03/2015 14:16

That sounds awful Nightingale. There are plenty of men out there that don't need prompting to make compliments, buy things out of the blue.

FWIW, if I was in a restaurant with someone and they got their Ipad out, I would walk out.

SolidGoldBrass · 30/03/2015 14:52

Nightingale why do you 'love' this lazy, selfish bellend? He's clearly indifferent to your needs and seems to enjoy embarrassing you in public - are you cleverer/more successful than him by any chance? What you describe is the behaviour of a man determined to have the upper hand and 'train' you so that you Know Your Place. I would strongly suggest you get rid.

Original poster

Nightingalemumoftwo · 30/03/2015 15:13

Why I love him: he is a good guy, has solid principles, enjoys travel, is a decent father to his DC, is handsome but not vain.
But he has very low social skills, cannot make me feel fancied+loved and is often inconsiderate, although I'm sure he doesn't mean to.
SoludGoldBrass, I'm not more successful than him, he didn't want to embarrass me in public, I think he wanted to be funny.
He hasn't got a bad bone in him but he is selfish and doesn't treat me like I would like to be treated.

OP posts:

Gralick · 30/03/2015 15:49

Well, just going by your posts Nightingale, including the "why I love him" one, I think he's a wanker. I am certain you deserve better, because nobody deserves to be treated like this.

No, I don't think you can change him with love languages or helpful communication. I don't think he even likes you very much. Apart from that, why on earth would you start off with a dismissive & insulting prat, then make loads of effort to turn him into someone else?!

Read this. www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/698029-Right-listen-up-everybody

Branleuse · 30/03/2015 15:56

I dont like his jokes. Wow, I wouldnt be ok with those jokes at all

MadgeMak · 30/03/2015 16:03

You can't make someone be somebody they are not. If you want to be with someone more romantic then perhaps you need to think about whether your are truly compatible. My husband isn't romantic in the slightest but I've known that from the start and I'm ok with that as I'm. It fussed about gestures, I know he loves me and he shows that in his own way. it

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