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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To not see what we have done wrong and to be a little weirded out!

33 replies

Sugarfreeriot · 28/03/2015 14:26

DP called his parents this morning to arrange meeting tomorrow to move our stuff out of one their garages. Mil was in the background asking what we were doing, what dp wanted and if we wanted to come round for a cup of tea. I saw mil 4 times this week, she took dd all day and night last Saturday (at her request) and dp saw his parents twice last week. We are seeing them tomorrow too but mil wasn't backing off- unfortunately for her we just genuinely had plans today to take dd swimming and to get my hair cut before we took dd to a play area,, we told mil that we will catch up tomorrow and thought that was that. She then proceeded to basically text dp saying she happened to decide she was spending the afternoon at the shopping centre (one she never visits and is pretty far from her house) that I get my hair done. Unfortunately for her we got this text after realising the swimming Pool next to the shopping centre was closed, so we had cancelled my apt to take dd swimming elsewhere. Mil now very upset she's driven all that way to meet us (without telling us until she got there) and saying that dp doesn't respect her or want to see her blah blah blah.
Were we wrong here? And is it not a bit odd to after being told we can't meet up to follow us to where we are basically giving us no option but to spend the day with her?
Fil also expressed to dp on the phone that he was much lookig forward to relaxing this afternoon as they've had his parents all week- so it's obvious to poor man wanted a break he's never got (he was happy to have some time without a crazy 2 year old running about and made it clear on the phone).

OP posts:
hiddenhome · 28/03/2015 14:30

Entitled behaviour from MIL. Put your foot down or the wretched woman will be micromanaging all your free time.

UghReally · 28/03/2015 14:31

YANBU!
I wouldn't stand for it.
Next time just say you're busy and don't tell her what you've got planned, she can't do this again then

FenellaFellorick · 28/03/2015 14:33

You haven't done anything wrong. She's being oversensitive. And a bit strange to be expecting you to be psychic. How can she ascribe motives to you based on not being able to meet her in a place you didn't even know she was going to be?!

Does she think you were lying to her about your plans?

Perhaps reminding her how much time you all spend together might help? If she's somehow feeling that it's not a lot?

Theycallmemellowjello · 28/03/2015 14:34

Aw she sounds very lonely. I'm sure she knows she looks ridiculous and is now embarrassed and acting out because of that.

DoJo · 28/03/2015 14:36

You've done nothing wrong, her behaviour was weird and I can't imagine why you would ever tell her details of your plans again after today's peculiar performance!

clam · 28/03/2015 14:39

Lesson learned - don't ever be so specific about your plans again!

NerrSnerr · 28/03/2015 14:40

Bloody hell. You've done nothing wrong at all!!

ChipDip · 28/03/2015 14:40

Yanbu she sounds a bit suffocating tbh. You are seeing her tomorrow, she needs to back off a bit. Leave her to her little strop and go see her tomorrow as usual without acknowledging it.

Sugarfreeriot · 28/03/2015 14:50

theycall thing is, she's not. Well at least I don't see why she would be. She has friends and a social life etc . If she is lonely, I'm surprised! She does seem to be very needy though, in regards to dp anyway.

OP posts:
ApocalypseThen · 28/03/2015 15:03

Is this common for her? I wonder whether she found having her in laws stressful (I imagine they must be quite elderly) and was desperate for something else for a break?

MuttonCadet · 28/03/2015 15:10

She might think that you didn't tell the truth about your appointment and thinks that you were avoiding her?
I don't think you have done anything wrong, but it should only take a conversation to sort it out.

BlueCheeseandChocolate · 28/03/2015 15:13

You need to be a bit careful about this. We have some relatives, who although otherwise lovely do like to insert themselves into our lives without our agreement for example turn up to visit us in holiday (several hundred miles from where we both live) timing motorway journeys to mean they 'bump into us' at service stations and popping in for a visit on my (rare) days off with the children.

They are extremely nice but get very hurt if you even raise an eyebrow at these 'accidental' meetings. Bear in mind that in the regular scheme of things we see them every week.

It's got to the stage that we are giving them less and less information about our activities. The last two or three holidays we have even implied different travel times/days in order to avoid them.

Theycallmemellowjello · 28/03/2015 15:21

Hm well in that case yes I agree it's strange behaviour! And agree you've done nothing wrong of course!

iamusuallybeingunreasonable · 28/03/2015 15:27

No she needs to get a life!!

ILovedYouYesterday · 28/03/2015 15:42

Yanbu

Very odd behaviour from mil. Both in just turning up where she thought you were going to be and then in getting annoyed that you were not there when you were not expecting to meet her anyway!

Has she done similar things before?

I do agree with a pp that she may have been stressed to her eyeballs from having her in-laws all week and just desperate to get out (although, if that was me, I would want to go off on my own, not meet up with a 2 year old (even a much adored grandchild 2 year old!) who I'd only just seen the day before anyway!)

Are she and fil getting on ok?

But, whatever she has going on, you were still not unreasonable to change your plans when you were blissfully unaware of her plans to ambush you in the hairdressers!

pressone · 28/03/2015 15:55

You are moving your stuff out of her garage, another step towards separating your DPs life from hers. My guess would be that she is trying to cling on to him.

Sugarfreeriot · 28/03/2015 16:07

It's the first time she's turned up somewhere that she would never usually go just because we've told her we are going- yes. However we've bumped into her an awful lot when we've told her we are popping into town- we've usually told her we are popping into town because we've organised to see her after "we're popping into town and then we'll be over" type thing.
We've had tough times in the past with my pil but we have made more of an effort to see them (they felt neglected at seeing us as and when/ usually once a week or twice energy other week) so we've tried to see them a bit more often and have a good relationship but everytime we do this she pushes us a bit further and tries for that bit more - then dp falls out with them and we don't see them as regularly for a while and then the cycle starts again.
It's exhausting and she's now harping on about spending the entire day all together tomorrow Hmm
Her and fil have a very lovely dovey relationship, I don't think they are going through a rough time and her in laws literally went home this morning so I'm surprised she's so eager to see people.
I will never understand.

OP posts:
Sugarfreeriot · 28/03/2015 16:10

pressone it's actually fils bosses storage (they own a block of garages) but she definitely is having a tough time letting go of her only son. She had a moan at me the other day that she wants to feel needed. Problem is, dp doesn't need them as much any more. Of course he still needs his parents but not every day for help and advice. She seems to think that every other family has a great relationship and parents and their children have a close bond based on respect for your parents and love for eachother (she actually said this) and I think it's a bit of a warped opinion and a big part of our problem.

OP posts:
iamusuallybeingunreasonable · 28/03/2015 16:14

The only way to stop this childish behaviour is to use a consistent arms length routine

I bet you she didn't have this from her parents, she's being utterly ridiculous and needy

Your husband needs to deal with it though, not you, or else you will be villain of the peace

Dynamics In Families - they change, she's not on that page yet but with the consistent arms length routine she will get it soon enough

PHANTOMnamechanger · 28/03/2015 16:14

crikey, she needs to get some hobbies and enjoy her own life and stop living in yours!

you did nothing wrong and you sound very generous in the time you spend with them - she's becoming a bit stalkerish!

SlaggyIsland · 28/03/2015 16:16

Good god you see her tons! We see my inlaws once a month or less (DH works away a lot) and they don't kick up a fuss.

Sugarfreeriot · 28/03/2015 16:26

iamisually no she didn't have this from her parents. Dp has mentioned to them a lot they they expect things that their own parents didn't expect and that they treated their own parents pretty poorly and he just gets "that's because we are better parents than them".
She has her own hobbies, she works and does lots of fitness classes etc she just seems to have so much time still.
Considering how they've behaved in the past (long story) I think we try pretty hard but she told me she's invested a lot of time and money in dp and expects him to love her. Think she's very insecure :/

OP posts:
iamusuallybeingunreasonable · 28/03/2015 16:29

Now she's sounding bat shit

If I start spouting that kind of crap at my kids when I'm older, I'll tell DH to shoot me!

Better parents?

No, just suffocating ones

PHANTOMnamechanger · 28/03/2015 16:30

the trouble is, the more you give people like this, the more they expect, and their requests that at first did not seem too OTT and you were happy to go along with, soon become very U indeed and cause untold stress..

You need to take a step back, cool things down, visit less. Do not put up with her guilt tripping you or feeling sorry for herself becuse she's being "neglected".

iamusuallybeingunreasonable · 28/03/2015 16:32

As a parent, she should know and understand you have limited energy and time, work aside, you as a parent put that time into your family, ie your children

If she doesn't understand that it's normal for your life to revolve around the new families needs and not the old one, she doesn't realise her son has grown up

She's getting on my teets and I don't know her!! Gawd bless you