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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Calling me a liar

31 replies

UnderEstherMate · 28/03/2015 08:45

DP is constantly calling me a "compulsive liar" or saying things like "that's how I know you lie all the time", usually light heartedly, often over the most trivial things.

For a bit of backstory, we have had trust issues in the past (me when we first got together when I was 16, him years later after DD was born) but we have since worked them out and I don't feel that there are any issues with trust now. We are generally very happ you, despite the odd bicker now and then which I think is normal.

This "liar" things is really annoying me though. I don't lie, and certainly not about silly things like how many times the children came in the room when I was trying to have a private chat with DSis (which is what this morning's "lie" was, apparently.) We had a big row about this because I am fed up of being made out to be a liar.

Am I making a bigger deal out of this then it needs to be?

OP posts:

seriouslypeedoff · 28/03/2015 08:49

Hmm it depends. Seems like a silly thing to say if you have no history of lying. Also depends on why you both had trust issues. Were they just issues you both had. Or had you and dh actually done something to cause these issues?

Have you actually spoken to him and told him how much it upsets you, even when said in a 'lighthearted' manor? Although I can't imagine dh calling me a liar Light-heartedly

Aeroflotgirl · 28/03/2015 09:08

That's an Awful thing to say, have you called him out on it.

Charlotte3333 · 28/03/2015 09:19

It's an odd thing to say over and over unless he believes it. Have you asked him outright why on earth he's speaking to you that way?

popalot · 28/03/2015 09:22

Why is he rowing with you about it? If he knows you don't lie, then he shouldn't say it. it's demeaning and not very nice. Especially once you call him out and he then somehow defends himself enough to cause a row. He should apologise and stop doing it.

Thankyoumrspatterson · 28/03/2015 09:25

Poor OP, it's mean and immature of him to do this!

Will he not see how his remarks are hurting you? Also DD will pick up on him saying things like this and 1. Repeat it or 2. Think your a liar and not trust you.

for you

SanityClause · 28/03/2015 09:29

The thing is, if he knows you hate it, he shouldn't do it. That is, he should care enough about you not to do it.

It's not like it matters to him one way or the other. there is really no compromise to be made by him.

So, some time when you're both calm, mention it to him, that it upsets you, and you would really he didn't do it. If he doesn't care enough to stop, that will tell you a lot.

SanityClause · 28/03/2015 09:31

...rather he didn't do it...

TheEndOfTheWorldAsIKnowIt · 28/03/2015 09:37

I could have written your message! It all started when I was 16 and first started dating Dp we had known each other for a few years but were in other relationships. His broke down we started becoming close so I broke up with my then boyfriend because I knew I was falling for now Dp and didn't want to hurt my then boyfriend. I still saw him occasionally because we had the same circle of friends (was never anything serious so no hard feelings) then he moved away so didn't see him again. Fast forward 15 years and I still get called a liar when I mention his name apparently I was dating them both for months.
It still happens now if I am telling Dp about a conversation I had with someone he just looks at me and says ' yeah right ... Doesn't talk like that' 'she/he wouldn't say that'.
He is always accusing me of lying then when I get pissed off he turns it around to be my fault because he was only joking but because I am 'over reacting' then I must have been lying in the first place!
I actually think it is some kind of emotional abuse, he does it to make me constantly doubt my self, sometimes I even have to convince myself I am telling the truth so it has obviously worked

TheSingingMonkey · 28/03/2015 09:43

TheEndOfTheWorld he sounds horrible. Have you heard about gaslighting? It's form of abuse and I wonder if your DH is doing it.

www.thehotline.org/2014/05/what-is-gaslighting/

popalot · 28/03/2015 09:48

ENdoftheworld. Yes, it is a form of EA if it is a regular thing and makes you feel upset and he knows it. Switch it around if you are in any doubt: would you do/say something time and again that you knew humiliated and demeaned your partner? No. Then he is doing it on purpose and in my book that is part of EA. It eats away at the soul, drip by drip, until you feel humiliated but are convinced by him that you shouldn't feel that way, just so he can get his kicks and bully you further.

TheEndOfTheWorldAsIKnowIt · 28/03/2015 09:55

He can be. Always behind closed doors, to the outside world he is mr perfect provides for his family, works hard, will do anything for anyone... The other side no one else sees is how he never spends any time at home, criticises everything I do I keep the house clean and tidy I am very house proud so when he comes home and starts looking for things I haven't done properly like walks in from work into the kitchen where there is a nice home cooked meal almost ready he sighs, takes his coat off and starts wiping the worktop! Or says 'haven't the children eaten yet? No wonder they have been playing up they are probably starving' it is 5:30 and I gave them some fruit and crackers at 4pm so they could have tea with is as a family! Could go on and on but don't want to take over op's post.
I will read that link now.

TheSingingMonkey · 28/03/2015 10:02

I think you need to start your own thread in relationships it sounds like you've put up with this for too long.

catlover40 · 28/03/2015 11:23

You cannot in all honesty put up with this. Tell him this cannot go on or the relationship will need to end. Sometimes that can be enough of a jolt to make the other person think about things. He could have a mental illness that has not been diagnosed. You need to think about you. Ask yourself can you imagine being with him in 10 or 20 years and if it is no then you need to act.

Aeroflotgirl · 28/03/2015 11:27

Light hearted or not, it is a form of Emotional abuse, it's bullying. It is constantly chipping away at the persons confidence and self esteem. Yes I woukd sit down with him and have a serious talk about it.

Original poster

UnderEstherMate · 28/03/2015 11:49

Thank you for all of your replies. Sorry for taking so long to get back, I was with him so didn't feel comfortable posting then.

I think you're all right, I need to have a conversation with him when we're calm and see where it goes from there.

EndOfTheWorkd your situation sounds almost exactly like ours. That what we end up rowing about - I say something about his silly accusations and then he acts as if I'm starting arguments.

OP posts:

glittertits · 28/03/2015 11:53

What if you are lying though? Or over-exaggerating that DH is perceiving as telling lies?

How can you be sure that you are not?

How many times did the kids come into the room? Was it once or twice, and you over exaggerated the number? I can see how lots of that would become very frustrating.

Original poster

UnderEstherMate · 28/03/2015 11:54

glittertits I'm definitely not lying about anything.

OP posts:

glittertits · 28/03/2015 11:55

Although if you are sure that his accusations are control technique, like TheEnds so obviously are, then don't let him get away with it. That is emotional abuse.

glittertits · 28/03/2015 11:55

x-post

championnibbler · 28/03/2015 12:00

He's a gaslighter for sure.
that's emotional abuse and i'd be worried that it could escalate over time into something even more menacing.
he needs to be pulled up on this.

squizita · 28/03/2015 12:38

I know someone like this.
They have deep rooted issues with control and feeling safe. To the point that in their mind, almost like a child sticking their fingers in their ears and saying I can't hear you - the slightest bit of inconvenient information is a lie or error.

They have isolated quite a few of their family members. It's not good.

FenellaFellorick · 28/03/2015 12:39

Really need to challenge him when he says it.

Lying? What is it that makes you think I am lying? Why do you think I would lie about this? What do you think is the truth? you have said I am lying, you must have a reason why you chose to say that? etc etc

Don't let him get away with it.

Tiptops · 28/03/2015 12:57

OP - No, you're not making a bigger deal out of this than it needs to be. Not at all.

I have an ex with extreme paranoia, and one of the ways it manifests itself is accusing people of lying. He has accused me in the past and it's so hurtful to feel that someone you care about doubts you. It wears you down to the point where the relationship can't continue any more. I suggest you make your other half aware just how destructive he's being to you and the relationship as a whole. He needs to address why he's feeling the way he is.

JustWantToBeDorisAgain · 28/03/2015 13:10

Is he doing this in front of dc? If so that's an even bigger issue as he would be painting you as untrustworthy to them too.

I agree with others who say it sounds like gaslighting and potential EA

Original poster

UnderEstherMate · 28/03/2015 14:42

Doris sometimes he does, always in a "jokey" way though. He'll say things like "See how your mum lies" if I get something wrong and then laugh.

squizita he has lost contact with many family members so very similar.

OP posts:

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