Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

To think that if I stopped making effort then no friends would bother with me?

50 replies

laylaloulou · 27/03/2015 18:37

It has occurred to me recently that:

If I stopped texting and phoning friends then I would never hear from anyone.

If I didn't arrange to meet up with people I would never meet up with anyone.

If I stopped liking and commenting on Facebook photos and statuses then no one would comment on mine (I didn't go on FB for a month and therefore didn't like or comment on anything then when I went back on and put things on no one liked or commented really, just a handful of people).

If I didn't approach other people at things like school collection and kids parties then no one would ever chat to me.

It's always me making the effort and I'm sick of it! I don't want to be friend-less but it would just be nice if, sometimes, other people made a bit of an effort too! What bugs me too is that I know several people that never make any effort at all with others and aren't even particularly nice to others yet everyone can't get enough of them!

OP posts:

00100001 · 27/03/2015 18:55

I know how you feel

Ineedtimeoff · 27/03/2015 19:02

different people need different levels of contact. For me the occasional chat on facebook and meeting up with my friends a few times a year is enough for me. Life is busy and most of my time or energy goes on family and work. I wonder if a few of my friends think as you do. That would be a shame if they do.

Perhaps it's the same for your friends, they need less contact and are just busy??? I'm on my own with DD and I have to socialise with her in tow. Going out in an evening is just never going to happen!

googoodolly · 27/03/2015 19:06

I feel the same OP

madreloco · 27/03/2015 19:09

Everyone you know is like this? That sounds unlikely. Either you have picked very poor friends or your perspective is skewed.

Millipedewithherfeetup · 27/03/2015 19:10

I was you around 2 years ago, just stopped making the effort, did not organise anything, now find that i get the occasional we must get together its been so long type of thing if i do bump into old friends, but nothing much comes of it.

Truffle40 · 27/03/2015 19:10

So much the same here - I often invite people here and hardly ever get invited back. Why? It really upsets me

00100001 · 27/03/2015 19:28

I used to fret about this - but not anymore. If people want to spend time with me, they'll make the effort as well.

Many a time, we've extended the hand of friendship - had someone over for dinner etc) hen had no invites back. We still see them around, but don't lose sleep over it

ScrambledEggAndToast · 27/03/2015 19:42

Same here tbh. 9/10 it's me that's suggests things, not that I've got many friends anyway. Would be interesting to see what happened if I gave up suggesting anything for 6 months. The only trouble with that is that I may lose my friends entirely so think I may give that idea a miss

BarbarianMum · 27/03/2015 19:42

A couple of years ago I 'cleansed' my friendship base by dropping all the friendships that required me to make all the effort. It was quite painful initially (to realise that they'd really never hear from me again than pick up the phone) but ultimately I feel better for it and all my friendships now are more well balanced. I think once you start getting resentful it's all over really.

BarbarianMum · 27/03/2015 19:43

...really rather never hear from me....

championnibbler · 27/03/2015 19:48

YANBU. some people make no effort and they really seem to enjoy being chased.
i also had a clear out of 'friends' who were making zero effort.
i think one or two were a bit miffed, but seeing as they're so thoughtless, they probably forgot about it after about 6 seconds. as did i. until now

CanadianJohn · 27/03/2015 19:53

I'm the same way; there is only one person I consider a friend, i.e. he would seek me out if I didn't initiate contact. Everyone else... they respond if I contact them, but otherwise...

I used to comfort myself by pretending "they'll miss me when I'm gone", but I know they won't... at the most it will be "haven't seen CJ around for a while..."

Oh well, I've always been in this situation, and I probably always will.

teenagetantrums · 27/03/2015 19:56

I think if you like these people and they agree to meet up you need to keep organising things if you want to see them, I am rubbish at suggesting meeting people but if they ask I will make the effort. however in on of my friendships groups that consists of old work friends i always orgainse the get together, that's just how it seems to have worked out. I can go months without seeing some off my friends as we all have different lives but it is always nice when someone says shall we meet up

Evelight · 27/03/2015 20:03

YANBU- I feel the same way- in fact I have been often told by various groups of ppl I see that "you so good at this kind of thing" (ie arranging a social outing- basically picking a date and place and sending an e-mail) or "thanks for taking the initiative on this".

I admit I wouldn't mind others taking the initiative a bit more often. But then when when we do get together it seems like everyone is having fun, and it was worthwhile.

I have culled certain friends whom I thought simply weren't proactive enough in maintaining the relationship, and I felt better for it.

I've also learned that all this moaning about "being so busy" and "simply not having time" is crap - people -esp. middle-class folks with a bit of disposable income- are quite smart at making time for the things they really want to do.

navigating social waters is quite tricky- sometimes I feel modern adult friendships are like relationships- in that they need a certain amount of tending.

lomega · 27/03/2015 20:08

I feel the same OP. It really grinds my gears. So YANBU!

I often feel like I'm the one 'keeping it together'. On the few occasions I've not bothered with people that can't bother their arse, I'm the one in the wrong.

I'm afraid I have no advice really as it does still upset me a lot and I have a lot of difficulty with this..

CaptainAnkles · 27/03/2015 20:08

I had a friend that was all take and no give - if I didn't phone or text her or go to her house, I just didn't see or hear anything from her. She was always lovely and friendly and welcoming, but just couldn't be arsed making the effort to stay in touch. Got fed up with it and I stopped making the first move with contact. Haven't heard from her in two years. Meh.

PetraDelphiki · 27/03/2015 20:10

Same here! Am actually not bothering to contact people unless I really want to speak to them now...but it is very lonely !

OhisHOME · 27/03/2015 20:26

I was going to come on and post almost exactly this. Ex colleagues from previous job have drifted as I don't do the running, another friend is always too busy running around after her 18yo, friends without kids aren't interested as seeing me means with dd or a quiet night in and they'd rather go out. The only people who make an effort are friends who are friends through kids so it's easy to feel it's just convenience that makes them get in touch.

OhisHOME · 27/03/2015 20:27

So basically I've given up but it's bloody lonely especially as I work from home.

cardibach · 27/03/2015 20:41

I'm a bit confused by this: I didn't go on FB for a month and therefore didn't like or comment on anything then when I went back on and put things on no one liked or commented really, just a handful of people
I think 'a handful' is an entirely normal amount of actual friends. I wonder whether some of the problem here is expecting loads of people to be good friends in RL rather than just on fb.

prawnballs · 27/03/2015 20:55

I think everyone feels like this occasionally.
I admit I'm a bit of an 'organiser' but have recently been too involved with family, work etc that I haven't done a lot of the running but I'm pleased to say most friends have noticed and took the time to contact me but there are a few that I'm still waiting on
These ones are actually the ones that are quick to complain that no-one bothers with them so in all honestly I just don't think people think sometimes

TowerRavenSeven · 27/03/2015 20:56

YANBU!

britespark1 · 27/03/2015 21:16

I could have written this post OP so feel your pain. I have certain friends that 'aren't very good' with mobile (laptops, iPads......) so either take forever to respond to messages or just don't reply at all. I couldn't imagine just not being bothered to reply and find it very rude :-/

MistressDeeCee · 27/03/2015 23:21

YANBU. I find that so many people are busy being busy nowadays. Mostly they'll say they are busy with work and family. But, people have had work and family to deal with for centuries, with a lot less timesaving gadgets etc than we have. & they still had friendships. I only have 2 close friends really, sometimes we do drift a bit but then 1 of us will always say hang on, lets meet up, and then we do. Because we realise the ridiculousness of always being 'busy' I mean, we're not running a country. People who value friendships make time, those who don't, simply won't bother. Just the way it is. Social networking has had an impact too, more reason to sit indoors watching and reading about other people's lives. I love my family but I really wouldn't want them to be my only outlet. I love socialising with my friends, having a laugh going over old memories etc. Different folks different strokes though, as ever.

tarashill · 27/03/2015 23:29

What bugs me too is that I know several people that never make any effort at all with others and aren't even particularly nice to others yet everyone can't get enough of them!
I often wonder about this too. I know plenty like this and they always seem to get people fussing over them. I cannot suss out what it is about them that makes them so popular. I'd live to know.

Flip

1 2