To think that if I stopped making effort then no friends would bother with me?

[laylaloulou]

It has occurred to me recently that:

If I stopped texting and phoning friends then I would never hear from anyone.

If I didn't arrange to meet up with people I would never meet up with anyone.

If I stopped liking and commenting on Facebook photos and statuses then no one would comment on mine (I didn't go on FB for a month and therefore didn't like or comment on anything then when I went back on and put things on no one liked or commented really, just a handful of people).

If I didn't approach other people at things like school collection and kids parties then no one would ever chat to me.

It's always me making the effort and I'm sick of it! I don't want to be friend-less but it would just be nice if, sometimes, other people made a bit of an effort too! What bugs me too is that I know several people that never make any effort at all with others and aren't even particularly nice to others yet everyone can't get enough of them!

oh I'm the same! I love my friends but if I stopped making the effort I'd have no friends… it is so easy to think "well if i don't bother then neither should i.." however then I'd just be sad and lonely. Lots of people are are just very rubbish and self absorbed I suppose??

Well, I'm afraid OP, I am one of those who does not make an effort, if people didn't phone me, we would lose contact.

In my case it is because I lack self confidence (though most people wouldn't realise) and have a bit of phone anxiety. And I love my friends dearly and am so surprised and delighted they make the effort, though I feel I should contribute something to their phone bills.

This happened to me, and it started to really upset me as I then felt like I was chasing friendships with people and I began to wonder if they were getting fed up with me. So I backed right off and realised that it must have been pretty one sided as they haven't made any effort to get back in touch with me. It has been horribly painful to realise that they didn't view me as a friend but I think it has been necessary as I think relationships should be balanced and I felt like I would meet up with my 'friends' and they would spend most of the time moaning about their 'real friends' who were doing x,y and z so I guess that they never saw me as a friend. Now I am more lonely but am getting better at casual chit chat with people and as much as I would love a friend or 2 I accept that is not currently happening.

Same here - I have dropped so many people that only want to be involved in their life If you are gushing at them.

I've just decided to lose another who thought it would be a good idea to tell me, in the middle of my physically miscarrying, that her circle of friends joke that her uncle calls me the poison dwarf. He does this because I stuck up for her when he was berating her. Seems she hasn't stuck up for me, just laughed about me behind my back and told me at my most vulnerable. With friends like that, who needs enemies??

People take you for granted now. I have two friends who have each cancelled on me twice in the last few weeks because they are busy. So am I but still have time for others. Leave them to it and find friends who appreciate you.

This is my life too....I considered driving to see one today, got out my phone to text her and thought 'sod it' and took the dog for a walk instead...I am the one that has to make all the effort in my RL 'friendships' ...
Some days I think 'Oh well' other days it really depresses me..

I know exactly what you mean! Even more hurtful is that my own family are the same - I have had to admit that my in laws give more of a damn than my own and let a lot of things that used to bother me about them go.
I'm feeling particularly tender about it today as I found out today that one of my "friends" is having a get together at her house and I found out by accident via a comment on someone else's post on FB T'is shit!

I feel the same. It gets me really down even though I try and not let it get to me! I'm not one of those people whose phone is always ringing like some of my friends.

I drove nearly 50 miles a couple of months ago to see a friend. We had planned to meet for lunch and I had confirmed with her that morning. I arrived just as she was going out. She said she would be a couple of hours and I could wait for her presumably in my car - I declined...

This is the same friend who pulled me up about being sensitive during my miscarriage. Also a friend who moans how she does everything for everyone else and always gets shit on...

Yes i think I've been there too!

I get many comments - 'thanks for arranging, you're so good at it'! etc etc... But i would like it if someone else took the initiative...!

Through moving house several times plus having been seriously ill(as in life threateningly!) , it's actually been quite easy to cull some of the oxygen thieves..and being ill showed me my proper friends!

Don't make those people a priority who treat you as an option..! I found this at quote somewhere and it resonated strongly with me!

I now have a much smaller, but richer, group of pals!

You're a long time dead, but having the right people are important in your life! Loneliness can be a killer!

Oh I could have written this OP. I too have had loads of "you're so good at organising" type stuff and have been dubbed the social secretary more than once.

Last year I was getting my head straight and had no time for this type of crap so I stopped contacting my friends to see who was actually a friend. I hadn't heard from 2 of them, as I expected. I used to see them all in group scenarios and I suspected the ones who probably weren't really friends. 2 would get in touch now and again as a 'oh haven't seen you for ages' type thing but often nothing coming of it. 1 did get in touch recently which was a real surprise and we did meet up and it was good, she instigated it as well so it was nice. I am going to start seeing a bit more of them again but not the full involvement I did before as most school holidays get dominated by all doing things together which I find exhausting.

It's happening with another group though. I am told when they want a night out and am expected to organise it. Often I am happy to because it benefits me too and I do like them but I'm not going to be known as the one who does this.

It's interesting how the ones of us who feel like this is often the instigator/organiser in the group. I am very much this one in my family and I have pretty much stopped doing the running. I only see 2 family members regularly now which I find really sad.

I just said this exact thing to my husband then went onto mumsnetter and opened this thread!
I feel exactly the same as you OP.
I also get annoyed when being busy is used an excuse. I have a young family, a job and a house to run and still make an effort to keep in touch with the people I care about. Why can't they do the same?

Definitely feel the same. I used to meet with 2 people I thought were friends on a given date each month. So why did it always fall to me to (pathetically, looking back) ask where we should meet up? Since I got fed up with bothering, we haven't met up. One has said on FB "we should meet up soon" but has done nothing whereas the silence from the other is deafening.

I know how youfeel op although impleasantly surprised sometimes

I went through this about a year ago. I actually did stop bothering with most of my friends, to see who would still make an effort. I was convinced that NO ONE would, actually I still have around 70-80% of my friends now. A couple stopped bothering completely, which hurt, but I'm over it now. The rest I would say do still bother but not as much as I used to so I see them less. Which doesn't bother me as much as I thought. I'd rather have friends that bother with me, less often, than people I see more often but I am doing all the effort.

I noticed that when i joined FB the phone calls stopped ... as if FB made up for a chat. :( ......

Personally I have organised several kids days out at the start of the summer hols... 3 kids so 3 friendship groups ..... yet the kids dont get return invites .... feel hurt on their behalf. :(

i feel the same way. I can only conclude that most people don't want the depth of friendship that I want.

I completely feel the same way. I am always the one that gets called when people need something or when they're upset about something or when something's happened and they need someone to sort it out for them, but then those people are never there when I've needed the same from them in return (which has only happened twice in the last 10 years!).

It's got even worse since I moved 200 miles away. I have less money and less time than most of them, yet all I get is "when are you coming to visit me in London"; NONE of them have made the effort to come and visit me!

I think the comment about not making someone a priority when they only treat you as an option is so sensible, it's just hard to put it into practice!

A while back i had the same thought as you OP, and I performed an experiment - i stopped being the one to initiate contact with my so called close friends.

And guess what?? I ended up with no friends!

(Well, to be precise i might have a new friend, more of that in a minute. But for a good couple of years i was friendless. No one rang or texted :()

This taught me a lot about myself (and them). I have a wonderful husband and four daughters, three of whom are teen or older and are like good friends. I get on with DHs family. I learned i didn't actually need friends, it just would have been nice. You become self reliant. But you do worry about yourself a bit ... 'what's wrong with me then?'.

Now recently i have been approached by someone new seeking my friendship and i'm the one being shite at it! She's so nice but I'm really struggling to bother. I've cancelled on her loads and am never the one to text first. It's like i'm ruined as friendship material by my time in the wilderness. I had loads of friends in my 20s and early 30s

Everything you have just said here is currently what I’m goi through and feel you’ve hit the nail right on the head I understand about the part about Facebook aswell

@EponasWildDaughter

A while back i had the same thought as you OP, and I performed an experiment - i stopped being the one to initiate contact with my so called close friends.

And guess what?? I ended up with no friends!

(Well, to be precise i might have a new friend, more of that in a minute. But for a good couple of years i was friendless. No one rang or texted :()

This taught me a lot about myself (and them). I have a wonderful husband and four daughters, three of whom are teen or older and are like good friends. I get on with DHs family. I learned i didn't actually need friends, it just would have been nice. You become self reliant. But you do worry about yourself a bit ... 'what's wrong with me then?'.

Now recently i have been approached by someone new seeking my friendship and i'm the one being shite at it! She's so nice but I'm really struggling to bother. I've cancelled on her loads and am never the one to text first. It's like i'm ruined as friendship material by my time in the wilderness. I had loads of friends in my 20s and early 30s

This resonates. Ive stopped questioning myself, and i've come to realise/accept that I like the 'idea' of friendship, but not so much the practice! Ive wished too that I was more tolerant, because the older I get the less inclined I feel to spend time with people I dont feel a good connection with. Again, I just accept how I feel now, because i'm happier and content doing things I 'want' to do (spending my free time with DH and DD, and my Dad) as opposed to things I 'should' do (like maintaining 'meh' friendships).

Same. Always the one to reach out and instigate - though 90% of time it's appreciated I do keep a bit of a mental note and resentment builds. Def agree that Facebook/Insta fills the gaps for many. I wonder what age bracket this is most common for? I get in my 30s everyone was up to their eyeballs in kids, but now mine are a bit older and I've lost the school gate chit chat, I want to connect on a deeper level with friends and no one seems to have much time/energy still..Covid hasn't helped...I do also think lots of people with kids literally live their lives for them - spending entire weekends at sports fixtures and kids events. It's reassuring and interesting how many of us are in the same boat as per all the messages on this thread - maybe we should all just make our own 'good friends group'! (there I go leading the organising again!!!)

Yep, another one here too - except that I don't even have the partner, children, or wider family.
I'm just not that interesting or exciting a person really, so I do have to make sure I organise things and try to meet up with people, because most of my friends do have much busier lives, many other friends, partners, children, family etc, and that would keep them busy enough.

I felt like you so I stopped contacting friend. And I was right - found myself with about two friends, very quickly.