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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Night out post baby

36 replies

piazilla · 27/03/2015 13:31

I have a 4 month old pfb. Last night I went to a comedy gig with a friend for about 4 hours - my first night out since baby was born . We live overseas , so have no family support. I went home for a month when ds was about ten weeks old for medical reasons , so dh got his couple of nights out with friends etc while we were gone.
Sitting here with a mild hangover today ( doesn't take much) and dh has announced that he would like to go out tonight with mates. I'm feeling narked about it cos he is not with the baby 24/7 and already had a month of having the choice and freedom to do what he likes. However I feel like, due to the fact that I've just been on a night out , that I can't really object! I'm pissed off he is even considering it!! Aibu? Don't be mean about it if I am - I genuinely can't figure out how to feel about this one!

OP posts:

squoosh · 27/03/2015 13:35

Do you think he's going out tonight out of spite, because he didn't approve of your night out/hangover? Or was he happy you had a fun night out and now fancies a night out for himself?

If it's the latter I wouldn't say a word, just tell him to have fun. If I suspected he was just going out to make some kind of huffy point I would say something.

MrsHathaway · 27/03/2015 13:36

I think you were completely reasonable to have a night out, and completely reasonable to have a hangover today

On the face of it it would not be unreasonable for DH to go out, but it sounds like that isn't really what you're upset about. Does he go out often locally? Or is it just that you've spent an evening apart so you'd like an evening together?

Original poster

piazilla · 27/03/2015 13:45

To be fair he was happy for me to go out . The night before I went to a beauticians ( again, first time in months) and I got a text to come home cos baby was freaking out. I came home and baby calmed immediately, but i suppose it made me realise that ds is very used to me, and that dh probably needs to be alone with him more, not least of all so I can have a bit if breathing space. Don't get me wrong, he does bathtime every night, but I'm always there , just in case...
Dh hasn't been out since baby was born ( with the exception of our month away- when he did go out) . However, it's a boys night out, and dh has a history of over-doing it drinks wise. His friends wouldn't think twice about line after line of shots no matter how drunk dh is ( not placing responsibility on them to mind him though)
It has caused arguments in the past , maybe that's why I'm pissed off about him going out. Plus - his timing seems a bit strategic

OP posts:

madreloco · 27/03/2015 14:11

You had a night out, why shouldn't he? I don't see the problem.

Original poster

piazilla · 27/03/2015 14:14

Maybe I'm feeling like he shouldn't need a night out after just one night of babysitting ... Think I need to redress the balance here! Apparently I feel like I deserved it but he didn't need it so badly! I seem to begrudge it

OP posts:

ChipDip · 27/03/2015 14:16

Seems like it's you that's trying to be spiteful. He was supportive of your night out why can't you be of his? Yabvu.

Original poster

piazilla · 27/03/2015 14:20

No there is a world of difference between trying to be spiteful and feeling upset about something . I feel like I've been given my night off - and now it's his turn ... But he has had a whole month to go out on the piss!

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madreloco · 27/03/2015 14:23

It's not babysitting, its his baby.

It's a bad idea to start getting into tit for tat like this. The idea is that everyone gets roughly the same amount of leisure time and opportunities, but you don't need to keep score. Much better to have an atmosphere of generosity and flexibility, you're only hurting yourself with this attitude.

NerrSnerr · 27/03/2015 14:26

A father doesn't babysit his own child. I don't see why he shouldn't go out tonight though.

OhMjh · 27/03/2015 14:28

I don't see why he should go out tonight. It doesn't sound like he's going out to spite you, just that it's coincidental timing. If he hasn't had a night out since the baby was born, why shouldn't he have one? Your hangover will be better by this evening ( have some food/berocca/ paracetamol/lots of water) and ask him to sleep downstairs away from the baby if he's going to come back in a state.

Original poster

piazilla · 27/03/2015 14:30

I agree that this attitude isn't good. Not liking feeling like this about the situation! He is going out tonight - I'm just feeling like baby is my job alone - which is not how it should be . I know that , rationally, he needs nights off too ...not sure how to change my thinking on this one!

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Original poster

piazilla · 27/03/2015 14:31

Omjh : he had an entire month if nights out each weekend because ds and I travelled home. He had friends visit and stay at the house - so this is most definitely not his first night out at all! It was mine however

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OhMjh · 27/03/2015 14:45

Apologise, didn't see that he's been out since the baby was born, and certainly not every weekend for a month in your OP.

As mother to a 4 month old DD, I get it. I'm yet to go out for a 'night off' since her birth ( through choice), whereas DP has been out once, and is going away for 4 days next week on a lads holiday type thing. I don't know if this will help, but the way I see it is that DP works hard to provide for us then comes home and does bath time while I work hard looking after DD all day - we both need time off, separately and together. No ones need for respite is greater than one another's, or not to me anyway! As I said, I'm sure it's just coincidental timing that he has plans to go out tonight. I'm struggling to see why you're annoyed - is it just because it's tonight?

ChipDip · 27/03/2015 14:46

But you went away for medical reasons and presumably he had to stay back to work? What did you expect him to do while you were away? Nothing because you couldn't, That is spiteful thinking.
You are a team, and should work together. If you feel he isn't doing enough then talk to him about it. If he is doing enough then you need to address why you feel so resentful of him.

DragonMamma · 27/03/2015 14:47

I genuinely don't see what your issue is here? You have a night out, he has a night out. Sorted.

Why should the potential whole month of nights out he could have had (but didn't seem to utilise anyway) be an issue?

freemanbatch · 27/03/2015 15:01

How much planning went into your night out? Did you announce it yesterday morning or did you have to ok it with him a while ago?

If you're both free to go out at a few hours notice then that's fine but if you have to plan in advance and he doesn't then that needs addressing.

ChristyMooreRocks · 27/03/2015 15:21

If this was the other way around and it was 'we have a 4 month old, my DH went out last night and a friend has called and asked if I want to go out tonight but DH is being really shitty about it, AIBU' I think we all know what the response would be.

Original poster

piazilla · 27/03/2015 15:29

Good point christmoorerocks and I didn't start this thread so everyone could agree with me- genuinely want opinions! Will come back - need to give sort ds...

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Original poster

piazilla · 27/03/2015 16:29

Chipdip - I don;t think I expected him to do nothing when I went away. I suppose maybe I expected that he wouldn't have such a need to do it again so soon after I came back. Is that still spiteful? I'm considering looking up the definition of the word actually! I definitely think I am feeling a little resentful of him. After an extremely difficult pregnancy - I felt he never got how hard it was. 4 months on I still cant stand up from the couch without considerable back pain and I guess I just feel sorry for myself that I'm still not back to my old self.

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confusedandemployed · 27/03/2015 16:32

I can see where you're coming from but in all honesty I think YABU and being a bit dog-in-the-manger.

Original poster

piazilla · 27/03/2015 16:35

OhMjh: I think its very big of you to say that no ones need for respite is greater than one another's. I don't think I am there in my thinking just yet. I am feeling like the biggest sacrifices are on me. Need to figure out how not to feel like its all on me!

Freemanbatch: My night out had been planned for two months. Im exclusively breast feeding, so I needed to start working on having enough milk expressed for the last few days. DH has never fed baby a bottle before so was sending him youtube videos on paced feeding etc - so yeah - there was some organisation that went into it. Dh decided last night that he was going out and let me know at lunch time today. His friends popped in to visit him last night while he was home with DS and they had a beer when DS slept.

OP posts:

Original poster

piazilla · 27/03/2015 16:38

confusedandemployed: sorry- dog in the manger? thats a new one on me - maybe IABU. He is out now anyway. Baby is bathed, fed, and in bed sleeping!

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EponasWildDaughter · 27/03/2015 16:56

I can see why you're miffed OP. It's quite a subtle thing and hard to explain, i know. You, as BFing mum and SAHP at the mo are doing the lions share of baby care so far.

I'm guessing it feels a bit ''Right, great! She's had a night out which means i'm owed one again. Hurrah - I'll have it tonight!''. As if he's champing at the bit to get out. Again.

When you were away he did have his evenings to himself, but, frankly, that was just the luck of the draw, which happened to be in his favor. There's nothing wrong with him having another night out straight after yours in essence, i think, unless in the next few weeks and months he ends up getting a lot more free time than you. I think you need to hold fire and see how it goes. He might have this night out and that will be that for ages.

The other issue is you seem to be worried about is the amount he will drink. Does he become unpleasant after a few drinks?

MrsHathaway · 27/03/2015 16:56

"Dog in the manger" means not wanting something, but wanting someone else (who does want it) not to get it.

Example. There is a cream cake on the table. DS1 does not want it ... until DS2 expresses an interest, at which point DS1 grabs it. Mayhem ensues.

I think you're feeling sensitive that his life hasn't really changed and yours has been hit by a (gorgeous) truck. So what if he goes out, so long as he's pulling his weight otherwise. You don't have to go out for him to get more involved.

Original poster

piazilla · 27/03/2015 17:23

Mrs Hathaway : I've never heard that before - yes, I quite feel like that! I have been very sensitive to the fact that he could just get on with things- starting right from the beginning with pregnancy. DS is a fabulous truck to be hit by, and god I just love him to bits, but I do feel very tied to him at times. He is so dependent ( obviously) and maybe that just hits me every so often!

Eponaswilddaughter: Yes you have verbalised exactly how I am feeling. I think my gut did tell me to hold fire, and I stopped it escalating into an argument and just went with it. He is generally quite good, but I did find myself thinking this morning "hmm it would be nice to be able to stand in the shower for an hour the way you seem to!" but there again, I'm not letting him know all this - I'm just stewing about it aren't I?
In terms of drinking - he is not unpleasant all all - gentle giant more like- but I find him super irritating when he has been like this drunk. He becomes maudlin and is a dribbly drooly mess at his worst.We have had issues with it in the past where he has not known his limit and I have ended up minding him all night, or taken him home. He can sometimes decided to give his opinion to someone where it is not wanted and that has gotten him in trouble. Bottom line is : drinking does not suit him. It has always made me tense up as a consequence whenever I hear he wants to go out on the town.

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