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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say that I don't want ILs to visit at this time?

58 replies

Welshmaenad · 27/03/2015 13:09

Long story vv short - I have a difficult relationship with ILs, they are very disinterested in our lives and the DCs. Many stories I could tell but I don't want to bore you! Wink

They visit 2-3 times a year for 2-3 days at a time. They're very high needs and rather than viewing these visits as an opportunity to spend time with the DC and be involved in our lives they require constant entertaining - days out to 'destinations', meals out, etc. MIL is a fussy eater and catering for her is a headache. They can be very rude and I end up biting my tongue till it bleeds to attempt to keep the peace. I generally find their visits stressful, exhausting and unenjoyable but usually just grin and bear as I want the DC to gave a relationship with their grandparents.

However, they want to come in the Easter holidays and it's just too much. My mum died on Good Friday last year and I'm really struggling with the impending anniversary, especially as we will always now have two - good Friday and the actual date. I'm struggling with the fact that my wonderful mum is gone and my kids are stuck with the rubbish grandmother whose interest in them is minimal. I can't see that being improved by her presence. In addition I've been quite ill and am struggling with keeping up with Uni work - I have four essays to write over Easter and am barely coping with kids, housework and studying, never mind all the additional work their visit will bring (they stay in a hotel but there is food, and extra cleaning as mil is hypercritical).

I just don't want them here. I want peace and quiet, time to study, some family time. No firm plans have yet been made or anything booked. WIBU to ask dh to ask them to come later in the year? Or if they do insist on coming, WIBU to tell dh that he's responsible for cleaning to her standards and feeding them whilst they're here, and that I will not be trotting off on day trips but staying home to do some studying in peace? I don't know if either option is U or not because I'm obviously biased by finding them such hard bloody work and always dreading their visits!

OP posts:
reni1 · 27/03/2015 13:19

Yanbu, tell them another time. Also, step out of the entertainer and cook loop at once, ask them before they come what they'd like to do and then join them if the planned outing is interesting to you and stay home if not. Cook what you'd normally cook (allowing for allergies and or religious/ ethical choices) and otherwise there is toast and butter in the kitchen. Clean to your standard not theirs.

taxi4ballet · 27/03/2015 13:21

YANBU - Sorry to hear about the loss of your mum last Easter. My dad died on Good Friday some years ago. You need the peace and space and time to remember.

paxtecum · 27/03/2015 13:22

send DH and the DCs to visit them.

Pyjamasandwine · 27/03/2015 13:23

I think reni says it all.

LittleBairn · 27/03/2015 13:23

YANBU the first Aniversary is so difficult, no one should be imposing themselves on you during that time.

NancyRaygun · 27/03/2015 13:23

I think if I were you I would ask my DH to explain to his parents that this year just wont work for you - for all the reasons you have stated above.

Sounds like you need some peace and that would be the same even if it were friends visiting rather than dreaded inlaws. Don't feel guilty, or unreasonable. Just say: No.

Marshy · 27/03/2015 13:24

Well you could try the 'dh has to do it all' approach but will that work? Probably not.

YADNBY to cancel. Enjoy your Easter break and spend it the way you want to. I would.

Quitelikely · 27/03/2015 13:26

Your uni gives your four essays in one shot? Wow! I didn't think that was possible!

If it's only three days then I think you are just delaying the inevitable. I would rather have it over and done with. Smile

twentyten · 27/03/2015 13:30

Let dh sort. Focus on what you and the kids need. Thanks

Eva50 · 27/03/2015 13:31

YADNBU. Get DH to tell them to come in the summer and spend Easter taking care of yourself. I'm sorry about your Mum. It will get easier.

RandomMess · 27/03/2015 13:34

YANBU, sending DH & DC to them sounds like a win win to me?

Flowers
championnibbler · 27/03/2015 13:36

God, she sounds like a battleaxe.
my own grandmother was the same.
tell your DH why they can't come but i'd say you need to get on this quick as Easter is next week and the old bat might pull the "too short notice" card.
if they do end up landing on you over Easter, then make sure DH is aware that he is the one who has to wait on them and entertain them and not you.

Original poster
Welshmaenad · 27/03/2015 13:38

Dh and DC visiting is not an option, we can't afford a hotel stay and ILs have a vile dog who has bitten and hospitalised GFIL several times, they baby the bloody thing and would not kennel it for a visit. I'm not happy letting DC visit, especially as part of my current bleughness is recovering from a dog bite injury that fractured my finger!

OP posts:
OnlyLovers · 27/03/2015 13:40

They sound dreadful. I agree with reni; or, if you think that honestly, leaving it to your DH won't work and/or you'll find it stressful sticking to your guns, just say no.

Sorry about your mum and the anniversary. That must be tough. Thanks

Original poster
Welshmaenad · 27/03/2015 13:40

Thanks for all the Flowers too - I'm feeling quite sorry for myself in a very pathetic way at the moment and they're appreciated.

OP posts:
championnibbler · 27/03/2015 13:41

it gets worse - even the dog is a cunt.
i think you need to make your feelings clear on this.
plus - your studies should be a priority to your DH and your family at this stage.
i would really put my foot down if i were you.

Chumpster · 27/03/2015 13:43

I'd say they can't come this year, on the first anniversary of losing your mum. You won't be in the frame of mind for visitors, you would like to take time to remember your mum.
If that's not an option, then definitely say your husband has to take responsibility for all aspects of the visit. As well as it being a very emotional time for you, you've got your uni work. When I was doing my MA, I would just focus on my uni work and let DH take care of all the visitor stuff (and a lot else as well if it was a really busy time). I would join in when I could but uni work had to be a priority. My husband and I both thought that was completely reasonable. Equally, when he's been busy (with applying for jobs for example) I take care of everything like that (especially if my parents were coming to visit).
Make sure you don't feel guilty about it.

Chumpster · 27/03/2015 13:43

I'd say they can't come this year, on the first anniversary of losing your mum. You won't be in the frame of mind for visitors, you would like to take time to remember your mum.
If that's not an option, then definitely say your husband has to take responsibility for all aspects of the visit. As well as it being a very emotional time for you, you've got your uni work. When I was doing my MA, I would just focus on my uni work and let DH take care of all the visitor stuff (and a lot else as well if it was a really busy time). I would join in when I could but uni work had to be a priority. My husband and I both thought that was completely reasonable. Equally, when he's been busy (with applying for jobs for example) I take care of everything like that (especially if my parents were coming to visit).
Make sure you don't feel guilty about it.

Original poster
Welshmaenad · 27/03/2015 13:43

even the dog is a cunt

Ah, champion, you don't know how badly I needed that chuckle. Thank you. Grin

OP posts:
RandomMess · 27/03/2015 13:47

I think dh needs to be blunt with them then. "Don't be ridiculous it's the anniversary of my lovely MILs death & Welsh needs time and space - perhaps in a few months time"

championnibbler · 27/03/2015 13:48

glad i gave you a laugh OP Grin

i also agree with chumpster
Easter is a always an absolutely critical time for studies as the lecture-free weeks give you chance to catch up on bits and bobs as well as getting those assignments done.

Hissy · 27/03/2015 14:09

absolutely not being U at all love.

will your DH tell them to come another time? They can't INSIST on coming.

Karoleann · 27/03/2015 15:12

I think it being the anniversary of your Mother's death is reason in itself.
I would just cite that alone and book in another time.

incidentally, DH's mother is equally irritating and disinterested in the children, I make sure I plan at least one afternoon out for just me whilst she's here.

MrsAidanTurner · 27/03/2015 15:20

For goodness sake, say NO!

No one is holding a gun to your head, even if they were lovely, to come on such a painful anniversary and indeed the first anniversary would be too much, these things do ease and get easier but first one, no way.

Just be honest and say - sorry but its too much what with it being mums anniversary and on top of that I have loads of essays, see you another time.

good luck op, try and close this down and sort it out so you can think abut your mother in peace Flowers

Original poster
Welshmaenad · 27/03/2015 16:46

Thank you all, I was braced for a bit of a drubbing, but you've all been lovely. I will talk to DH.

OP posts:
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