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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not tell him?

29 replies

GuiltyConscience123 · 27/03/2015 08:36

Hi everyone, I've been lurking for a couple of weeks but finally built up the confidence to register and post!

My OH and I have been together for about 4 months and everything is going great, but a few weeks ago I found out I was pregnant. We chatted about it for a long long time and we decided together that we're going to have an abortion. The main reason for this was because of our age and that we are both due to go to University later this year.

The area I need some advice in is that I had an abortion about two years ago, and at that time I promised myself that if I ever got pregnant again I would keep it, so having to do it all over again is really upsetting me. I don't want to tell OH about the first abortion. I feel bad keeping it from him and I think it might help him understand why I'm finding it so hard if I told him.

So what I'm wondering is, has anyone else been in the situation of having to tell their partner about a previous abortion, and did you? Did it have any affect on the relationship?

OP posts:

PeachyParisian · 27/03/2015 10:14

Nobody can make you have an abortion, it's your choice. He has no say in the matter and if you don't want to do it, don't. I would tell him why you are struggling with it, he may well understand!

Going through this is going to change your relationship either way. Just make sure you do what's right for you.

PeachyParisian · 27/03/2015 10:21

Forgot to say, you don't have to justify your decision either way so if you don't want to tell him, you shouldn't feel you have to.

TRexingInAsda · 27/03/2015 10:26

There's n 'we' about an abortion, well, not involving him anyway. You are having the abortion, it's your choice and you are free to make it not make it. Don't be pressured. You should not have to help him understand why you are finding this so hard. You'd be finding it this hard regardless of having a previous one. In any case, if anything, it may not make him think this is hard for you, it may make him think 'oh she's done it before anyway, it'll be easier this time'. But it really doesn't matter what he thinks, he's not the pregnant one. Honestly, concentrate on your feelings, not his.

TRexingInAsda · 27/03/2015 10:26

*no 'we' I meant, sorry.

originalnamehere · 27/03/2015 11:06

The important thing is what you want to do. If you had one before and you struggled with it, and you want to keep this baby, keep it.

You won't necessarily have to tell him where you're coming from. A lot of people struggle with the concept of abortion without even having had one before, and you will know better than any of them what it feels like to go through with it. So you could always share those same arguments as a reason why you want to keep this one.
Of course, if you do choose to keep it and he wants to stay involved, one day you may want to tell him anyway as you raise a child together. He might feel hurt that you didn't share this with him sooner.

University and everything else will work out, with a child or without. Life is much more flexible than a lot of people realise.

0x530x610x750x630x79 · 27/03/2015 11:11

Just realise if you keep the baby he will quite likely leave you (which he is allowed to do), but it has only been 4 months so not much loss.

SavoyCabbage · 27/03/2015 11:12

You should do whatever you want to do. Tell him if you want to, don't tell him if you don't want to. You don't have to and you should not feel guilty about it.

I hope it all works out for you.

Original poster

GuiltyConscience123 · 27/03/2015 11:30

Thank you everyone for your replies. I realise I might not have been quite clear in my OP. In no way do I feel like he is making me do this, we are both fully agreed on it.

My question really was wether I tell him about my previous abortion or not?

OP posts:

UghReally · 27/03/2015 11:33

No one can make this decision for you OP, Just remember he can't react badly tbh. How can he judge you for having an abortion 2 years ago when now he is influencing your decision to have another??

MrsTittleMouse · 27/03/2015 11:38

You have no obligation to tell him.

More than that though, I'm a bit worried that you promised yourself that you wouldn't have another abortion. Do you think that you feel that you're only "allowed" one in a lifetime? I wonder whether it would be a good idea to get some independent counselling about this, before you make the final decision. It doesn't sound as though you're convinced deep down to either abort or continue the pregnancy. Even talking on here, a lot of us will have our own agendas and you need to really work out what is the best for you and you alone.

Good luck :)

MrsTittleMouse · 27/03/2015 11:41

Ah, cross posted. :)

I'm glad that you are happy with your decision, but I still wonder if it would be good to talk to someone about giving yourself permission to have a second abortion without the feelings of upset that you've mentioned. And I stand by the opinion that the previous one is none of his business.

Bowerby · 27/03/2015 11:41

I think you should. It will open up the whole picture to him. Possibly you should have mentioned it when you were discussing this one?

But he can't possibly judge you if he's all for a termination this time

TheJiminyConjecture · 27/03/2015 11:42

If you want to terminate the pregnancy that is entirely your decision, as is the decision whether you tell him about the previous one.

I personally don't think you are obliged to at all. No one has the right to know everything about your past.

Fudgeface123 · 27/03/2015 11:50

I think also that you need to review your contraception if you definitely don't want kids at the moment, to make sure it doesn't happen again. Abortion is the choice of any woman but it shouldn't be used as a method of birth control.

Droflove · 27/03/2015 11:54

I don't think you have any obligation to tell him about your past abortion. Its between you and your partner at that time. If you were to end up getting married/or seriously committing to this guy in the future, you may or may not feel like telling him simply as it is a part of your past and maybe something you still think about. That would be up to you. I told my now hubby about a similar thing very early in our relationship as I felt it might be something he had a problem with and for that reason, I couldn't not tell him the truth if we were to move forward. He was kind about it but I could never have kept it a secret from him, it would have eaten away at me. I needed him to know and understand the situation as I see it as part of my personal CV, and not something I am ashamed of in any way.

I am sure you realise this but I will say it anyway. You need to be more careful. Children deserve to be planned and wanted. You sound level headed and I'm sure you will make a good mother when you are ready.

Starpupil · 27/03/2015 11:57

You have obviously decided this is the right course of action for you. I don't know why so many posters are saying you should consider not having an abortion.

As for whether or not to tell him about the previous one, I think it depends how understanding you think he would be. I personally wouldn't tell him.

maliaki · 27/03/2015 20:15

You don't need to tell him OP. If you think it will affect you and you'll need his support and for him to understand then consider it but you don't have to do anything.

We all break promises, just resolve to make none from now on and don't feel bad about it.

BatteryPoweredHen · 27/03/2015 21:01

OP, please get some impartial advice - there is a lot of anti-choice sentiment on MN, mostly delivered by posters skilled enough to hide their true agenda behind 'concern' for you.

FWIW, I think it is none of his business, you don't need to justify yourself and your feelings, they are valid as they stand without any need for explanation

BatteryPoweredHen · 27/03/2015 21:02

P.s. I'm really sad to see what you have chosen as your user name - you have nothing at all to be ashamed of

Purplepoodle · 27/03/2015 21:14

The past is the past. If u feel u need to tell him then do it. Do what feels right for

Purplepoodle · 27/03/2015 21:14

livsmommy · 27/03/2015 21:16

Is he going to go with you to appointments with the doctor and the clinic etc? If so it may well be mentioned in front of him, thought I'm not certain. I had an abortion 15 years ago and during my pregnancy with DC 5 years ago it was mentioned a couple of times when they ask about previous pregnancies etc at midwife appointments, he already knew so wasn't a surprise to him. I'm not sure how it works for a second abortion. Or he may not even be attending any appointments with you in which case my post isn't even relevant, just something to bear in mind! Good luck OP

LaBelleDameSansPatience · 27/03/2015 21:18

ObviouslyOP has nothing to feel guilty about ... But I am not happy with the implication that anyone suggesting that even the mention of keeping the baby is false concern .. An abortion is a HUGE thing. It may be the right thing to do in the circumstances, but it is a big thing. And not an automatic choice; I have more than one friend who have managed university and baby. It is a big decision and is individual ... Only you can know.
As to whether to tell partner ... I can't see a long term future with someone who might 'judge' you for that ... Given that the circumstances are the same again.

tallulahlah · 27/03/2015 21:21

I had an abortion many years ago, I was very young.
I think I told my DH within the first couple of months of meeting him. I trusted him and I knew he wouldn't judge me for it.
You don't have to tell him but it was a significant event in your past which has shaped who you are today, even if you have come to peace with your decision it does have a lasting effect on you.
If he's a decent guy he won't judge you for it, it may help him to understand what you're going through and any fears you have.
And if you have a long future together, don't you think he might be upset that you've kept it from him if you don't tell him?

Pickle131 · 27/03/2015 23:46

I've felt the need to tell my now-DH about previous sex-related issues (not an abortion, my pre-university pregnancy is now my 14 years old DS) but very personal and similar in the way that I was opening myself up to being judged by a lesser man. Fact is, it happened, and so telling the truth felt like a relief. I can't imagine hiding anything at all from my OH, I am what I am and he might as well know and love me anyway. It's not easy and of course you don't have to tell. But it would certainly help him understand you.

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