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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To withdraw from this charade?

36 replies

ifyoujustsmile · 26/03/2015 13:19

Sorry this will be long - bear with me.
BIL is getting married in A few months, safe to say we don't get on particularly well with him or his soon-to-be-bride (think huge family arguments about how we are always inviting them over, feeding them etc with no invites in return to even see them). I was surprised to hear that I had been asked to be a bridesmaid, but even more surprised to find out it had been decided that I had to plan her hen do.
I followed her guidelines to the letter : City break/ at least two nights in a hotel/spa day/ go ape and night out. (She estimated this would cost £100!!)
I presented my plans to the other hens who dragged their feet for months before deciding they couldn't afford it, so I changed the location so its closer to home and £100 cheaper. (£104 total which is a miracle considering the list)
Now they are all dragging their feet AGAIN and no money has appeared despite my nagging/texting/calling. When I told my BIL what is happening, he went mental and said that I should have forced them to pay by now and the bride has had a massive strop too that I haven't sorted it out. Bearing in mind the stag do is a festival, which is 5 night ordeal for DH away from me and my newborn and DS3 costing over £300.
So please tell me, AIBU to think that the Bride and Groom are placing too much importance on what they want to do, not on how much their friends can afford? There is no compromise from then at all! Should I have somehow forced the hens into paying? I can only see this ending in the couple falling out with me Confused
Any advice appreciated as I have 2 months until the weekend is upon us.

OP posts:
Oldraver · 26/03/2015 13:25

Is DH botehred about the Festival or wedding ? I would cancel the whole lot and let them sort it themselves

Salmotrutta · 26/03/2015 13:27

And this is why the old traditional "Let's go out to a pub/club for a knees up" stag and hen dos were so much easier!

I feel for you OP. How on earth are you supposed to "make" people pay??

If they have another go at you just say "Ehat are your suggestions then to get people to pay"?

By the way - I hope you haven't forked out for them and are awaiting repayment!

And YWNBU to resign from this nonsense.

popalot · 26/03/2015 13:27

You can't force the hens into anything. I gave my sister's hens options to a) do all 3 things I had planned (spa+dinner+night out), b) meet for dinner and come to the night out or c) come to the night out only. This meant they could budget and decide how much they wanted to spend. It involved a big excel spreadsheet but went very smoothly. I included taxi costs at the end of the night too. 2 months is plenty of time to sort it out. Just give them options.

Salmotrutta · 26/03/2015 13:28

What not "what". I have no idea what "ehat" is Grin

Salmotrutta · 26/03/2015 13:28

Fgs! Blush

Salmotrutta · 26/03/2015 13:30

pop - did you miss the bit where OP says she has a newborn and a toddler!

Not a lot of time to be compiling spreadsheets I shouldn't think!

LadyGregory · 26/03/2015 13:36

You make it sound as if you had no say in whether or not you were a bridesmaid, and whether or not you organised the hen weekend, OP. You don't like the b and g, they don't sound as if they like or appreciate you very much, so why not say 'Look, I've done my best but I don't have the time to run around after people who refuse to commit or pay - you sort it out, please' and I'll book etc once it's been decided?

Original poster
ifyoujustsmile · 26/03/2015 13:38

DH was not happy about the festival, especially due to our dcs being the ages they are, and the length of the time I'm being left alone, but he has decided to go because it's his brother, and has a non-refundable ticket.
When DH and I got married 4 years ago, I went sightseeing and to a London show and paid for my hens tickets, and DHs planned weekend trip to Prague was canceled in favour of a camping trip to Wales because both BILs couldn't afford it. Seems a joke now. Hmm

OP posts:
TheJiminyConjecture · 26/03/2015 13:38

If they treat their friends the way they treat you then I'm not surprised people aren't champing at the bit to go.

KurriKurri · 26/03/2015 13:40

She;s dumped all thison you and you have a new born? She's crazy. People are dragging thier feet because they don;t want to come to her hen do enough to fork out - possibly because they don;t like her that much ??? she needs to lower her expectations to a night in the pub/round someone's house. But if it were me I'd jack the whole thing in and let someone else do it - sound like you were press ganged into it in the first place.

I think its a bit odd that she has asked BIL-to-be's wife to do all this - hasn;t she got anyone closer - any best friends or sisters or cousins?

I wouldn;t worry to much about falling out with them either - I think that is inevitable at some point given her behaviour over this and the fact that you already don't get on very well. They will take offence at something you do at some point and will forever be trying to make you organize baby showers or God knows what.

Original poster
ifyoujustsmile · 26/03/2015 13:40

Lady - I didn't really have a say - due to the tense family situation there would have been uproar if I had refused, which seems the wrong choice to have made now of course because I'm getting the brunt of the anger anyway

OP posts:
Original poster
ifyoujustsmile · 26/03/2015 13:42

She has a cousin who is a bridesmaid but the cousin couldn't afford to attend the hen do so the bride told me not to include her. Other bridesmaids are work friends, but probably speak to her more on a daily basis than I do.

OP posts:
catsmother · 26/03/2015 13:45

Looks like you can't win whatever you do .... could things really get any worse if you threw the towel in now ? Say you've done your best but can't literally force anyone to do anything and have better things to do at home like looking after your kids!

They sound pathetically poisonous if your refusal to get lumbered with these duties would have resulted in 'uproar'. Who the bloody hell do they think they are to lay down the law like this, especially to a mum with a newborn ?

Heels99 · 26/03/2015 13:49

If you don't like them then don't be bridesmaid or organise the hen night or go on stag weekend. Use newborn baby as an excuse why you couldn't possibly do it. Don't be scared of uproar, hold your ground. Let others uproar on.

Clobbered · 26/03/2015 13:54

2 months is plenty of time to organise a sensible, affordable 'do'. You are already in shit over this, so cut your losses and tell bride-to-be you've done your best, but you can't force her friends to pay up, and it is THEY who are "letting her down". Concentrate on your own family, and while you're at it, perhaps suggest to "D"H that he doesn't need to be away for the full 5 nights at the stag festival, brother of the groom or not - it's excessive, like everything else about this set up.

derxa · 26/03/2015 13:57

FGS You poor thing. You're caught up in the Seven Circles of Hell. Are you able to sit down face to face with the bride and talk it over?

Andylion · 26/03/2015 15:33

"I think its a bit odd that she has asked BIL-to-be's wife to do all this - hasn;t she got anyone closer - any best friends or sisters or cousins?*
Kurrikurri,
I suspect the OP was asked as she is the one make the effort, i.e., with dinners, and figured they could count on her, (whether or not they had any right to expect this of her).

JiltedJohnsJulie · 26/03/2015 15:41

Can't you just say that you are finding it all a bit overwhelming with the newborn and toddler and you'd love to go as a guest but DH and you have decided being a bridesmaid is just too much?

Personally I wouldn't have agreed to be bridesmaid to someone I didn't like.

seriouslypeedoff · 26/03/2015 16:12

Give BIL the list of names and tell him to make them pay. Let him show you how to make people pay.

Personally I would tell them both to piss off. Family argument or not.

YouTheCat · 26/03/2015 16:20

I'd cancel and not bother. Take the fallout now or you'll be pandering to these people forever.

AdoraBell · 26/03/2015 16:30

Hand it all back To the grabbyhappy couple, including the non refundanable ticket unless DH has forked out a fortuna and stop hosting them, FFS. On the days/eveings you would normaly host make arrangements To be busy with DH and your DCs, even if it's just a tríp To McDonalds. Just don't be available.

AdoraBell · 26/03/2015 16:32

Sorry, the FFS wasn't directed at you OP, but the sitúation of you being treated like doormats.

Only1scoop · 26/03/2015 16:33

'Sorry I can't possibly force these 'friends' of yours to pay. I'm unable to sort it any further. I'm sure you understand'

Only1scoop · 26/03/2015 16:34

And who rattled BIL cage....as pp poster said....hand list to him so he can sort it out.

DuelingFanjo · 26/03/2015 16:38

I think - if you agreed to do the planning you should do the planning.

Why didn't you say no?

You have 2 months, get on it. Give the other people a deadline for money to be collected (maybe the next three weeks) and if none is forthcoming then cancell the DO and tell the bride no one was prepared to pay.

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