To withdraw from this charade?

[ifyoujustsmile]

Sorry this will be long - bear with me.
BIL is getting married in A few months, safe to say we don't get on particularly well with him or his soon-to-be-bride (think huge family arguments about how we are always inviting them over, feeding them etc with no invites in return to even see them). I was surprised to hear that I had been asked to be a bridesmaid, but even more surprised to find out it had been decided that I had to plan her hen do.
I followed her guidelines to the letter : City break/ at least two nights in a hotel/spa day/ go ape and night out. (She estimated this would cost £100!!)
I presented my plans to the other hens who dragged their feet for months before deciding they couldn't afford it, so I changed the location so its closer to home and £100 cheaper. (£104 total which is a miracle considering the list)
Now they are all dragging their feet AGAIN and no money has appeared despite my nagging/texting/calling. When I told my BIL what is happening, he went mental and said that I should have forced them to pay by now and the bride has had a massive strop too that I haven't sorted it out. Bearing in mind the stag do is a festival, which is 5 night ordeal for DH away from me and my newborn and DS3 costing over £300.
So please tell me, AIBU to think that the Bride and Groom are placing too much importance on what they want to do, not on how much their friends can afford? There is no compromise from then at all! Should I have somehow forced the hens into paying? I can only see this ending in the couple falling out with me
Any advice appreciated as I have 2 months until the weekend is upon us.

I'd email them the list of who hasn't paid and who has and say that you have tried your best to arrange a hen do that she'd enjoy, but you can't get these people to pay, you've tried everything you can but it's up to them to get them to pay if they want them to come.

Also say that you hadn't wanted to say, but you do have a lot on your plate, and after having researched and organised the main event, you'd like someone else to pick up the organisation now as it's too much for you and clearly you aren't very good at it otherwise you wouldn't be being shouted at.

It would be very tempting to walk away but if you're wanting to keep things smooth for the sake of DH, then path of least resistance.

When I told my BIL what is happening, he went mental

So he feels completely happy that he has the right to go mental at you
and no one has contradicted him
Wow!
These people are not directly related to you and its really your DHs turn to stand up for you here
I've got to question how does your DH feel about this, both the abuse from BIL and the expectation his future wife has the right to expect this from you?
what was his reaction? What did he say to your BIL, and if nothing why not

Why is he going away for 5 days when he dosnt want to ?
It sounds a little bit like you are both being doormats to your demanding relatives
and DH isnt being a gatekeeper between your immediate family and his extended family

oh and no - yanbu

duelling

I suspect that when the OP was forced into taking the job of organising this hen do from hell she had no idea that people wouldn't pay.

Send round an email saying x hen do is on this date and she has asked you to arrange x.

List who hasn't paid. Say " please send me a cheque other the hen do can't go ahead as x has set her heart on" I need it by x date.

Cc bride. That's it.

Second email to bride saying you can't commit to being a bm, really sorry but you accepted in all the excitement and realise now you can't because of baby and toddler so this gives her lots of time to invite someone else who will be able to manage To give the time it deserves.

Your dh can sell his ticket if he wants on ebay and just go for two nights on a cheaper ticket. He can say he doesn't want to leave you and his dc alone for so long.( Modern man etc) A week! Blimey.

Sounds like an absolute nightmare! Poor you. Give guests another chance to pay, & then let SIL know its not going according to plan, handing it over to her. I don't think it's fair for them to expect you to sort it?! It's her hen do, she should organize it.

I would just tell them that you have tried your best, that you are finding it far too much coping with baby and arranging the do, so you feel you should step down. Offer to arrange a more local night out that people can afford if you still feel obliged.

If you get more rudeness from bride and groom say "look nobody wants to go!" And bin them!

All this, and you have a newborn baby?

Im at a loss to understand why you even got involved in the 1st place. You need to stop the people pleasing, give the list to your DH to pass on to your BIL so he can sort it all out or find somebody else to do it, and then sit back. You don't like them much and they don't like you, so there isn't much point worrying about fallout is there.

So much angst worry and drama is caused in life by striving to appease people. When all said and done, is it really worth the hassle and stress?People may not like you, it may be awkward but so what? Live your life..you have your own little family unit, so step away from the chaos

Not saying this to be mean but honestly you have allowed this to happen by not standing up for yourselves. Its not too late.

Even if dh loses the money he should back out of the festival or just go for one night and you should not be taking any shit from bil about the hen do. Tell them you are withdrawing as bm and tell them why.

People can only walk all over you if you allow them to

I would wash my hands of it tbh. I would send an email and card to bride saying the stress is causing you ill health and you can ok longer honour her generous invitation to be a bridesmaid but you are looking forward to her wedding. Send the email asking for payment for the hen do and ask for t to be given to another bridemaid she selects who will take over the organisation. Step back now before it gets any worse and don't get drawn into it any further.
Don't respond to bullying and tantrums and just steer clear. Be friendly and polite but don't engage any further consider getting some counciling or support for yourself and dh so you don't get embroiled in other situations like this further down the line.

*no longer honour