Naming a child I DON'T want in DD's class?

[flora717]

This probably is unreasonable. DD(7) had been friendly with a certain child in her class. It's a big school 2 classes per year. Every year children are asked to name some friends who they want to be with next year.
This child has taken to telling DD she hates her, she's stupid, she's ugly and kicking punching etc. They were friends. The last visit ended in this child breaking some toys and ornament because she didn't want to leave. Out of nerves my DD started laughing then crying (she was scared of this tantrum). WIBU to just say 'not this child please' to the teacher? They'd still be at the same school, same breaks, same trips etc. I know it wouldn't 'get rid' and I know she needs to learn to deal with this sort of behaviour and show the necessary detatchment. But she's 7. I have no idea if this girl is vindictive. She might get over (the distance DD is trying to create) it in a few weeks. But the lists are in tomorrow.
Go on MN. Give me both barrels.

I would & I have done so in the past. DS1(6) was bullied on a daily basis in P1 when he was 4/5 & the school swept it under the carpet. Asked for my son to be in a different class from bully in P2 & stated my reasons factually. The school agreed & they are now in different classes. It has helped massively.

We were once in your situation and I did exactly that. Two years later they were put together again. By this time my son was older and stronger. As soon as the violence and manipulation started again my son was better able to put an end to it.

I have asked this in the past (approved) and my friend also asked on a different occasion (also approved). I think it's fair enough to ask to separate children who are really clashing. I'd emphasise that it had been both verbal abuse (stupid, ugly etc) and physical abuse. Make the request as politely as you possibly can and say your dd has been upset about the above.

mrsaidan She doesn't have to put up with this behaviour, no. But she does need to understand what to do & that it's not on. To react calmly, not make it worse (I'm amazed she hasn't gone for this girl, her fists are worryingly free when her sister badgers her).
The insults she handles better (after all they are unfounded and blatantly come from the other child's jealousy - DD gets an award for spelling, maths etc, other child calls her stupid sort of thing).
But I will say something. To be frank I thought I was being very harsh and judgy. I do think I can be over protective of my girls.

Do it. Be calm about it and remember it's a request, not a demand, but definitely ask. I've done it once and school were very happy to accommodate it. When they regroup classes they factor in separating difficult relationships as well as grouping friends. Good luck.

There is nothing wrong with saying "I feel dd and X would benefit from a break from each other. Some distance would enable them to focus on more positive relationships" or similar. I.e. not attributing blame or being all "lioness" about it but positive and constructive. The worst they can do is say no!

I would. I don't think you have anything to lose.

I've done it . I had nothing against this particular child but he and my son had a difficult relationship. I think there was a bit of a power struggled going on between them.

The teacher laughed when I went in and asked about it and said " Oh I'm way ahead of you I've already spoken to the Head. There is no way I want those two in the same class next year! "

They have nothing to do with each other now as it's a big school ( four classes in each year)

Yes, I would, but as others have said, chat to the teacher about it as ( i presume) she is in the same class now so the teacher needs to be made aware so that their behaviour can be watched

"The girls don't get along & would be better off apart." At our school you talk to the HT and she is surprisingly amenable ime. They want a good atmosphere, too.

I've done it. Yr 4 and the school were very discreet. mother of other kid was fuming as she didn't know why her kid wasn't with mine and the third one in the mix. But I have to say it helped. All three now in same class and get along fine.

I don't think you are being overproctive tbh. I would have been in school long ago and wouldn't have this child over if she was being violent and vindictive at school.

I don't think being bullied, ie negative behaviour sustained over a long period is something any child should have to suffer and its not something i would be exposing my DD too.

Yes on a one or even two off days from child - learn to ignore but I think dc change every day, they have bad days, moody days and plenty of opportunity to learn to ignore negative behaviour, but a sustained assault of it, NO.

Zero tolerance from me.

I would.There was a boy in my dd's reception class that would regularly hit/kick/bite/punch the other children and the teachers. Every week dd would be coming home telling me this boy had hurt someone/the teacher and so much time was being spent trying to control this child that the rest of the class were losing out on learning time. Our school mix up the classes every year and I asked for dd to be in a different class to this boy. The boy has behavioural problems which I'm sympathetic to but at the end of the day it don't want to send my dd to school scared that she'll be physically attacked by this boy, my priority is my dd.

I think PPs are right who say you need to think about how you phrase it. If you just don't want a difficult child in the class, well they have to be in somebody's class so that is a bit intolerant and unsympathetic. But it is OK to raise a problem and say you are worried because of a history of bullying and would like it if they can keep an eye out / maybe separate them if possible.

We knew a boy out of school who was very violent to my DS while supposedly being his friend. At one point I thought he was going to join my DS's school and I was definitely going to speak to the HT about those past problems just to let her know I was concerned and wanted DS protected. Then I would have left it up to her how to do that IYSWIM. (In the end it didn't come to it but I would have done that)

I did for one boy 2 years in a row...There had been some previous incidents... First year..Teacher said she would make sure of it. Second year teacher said first they aren't allowed to be in the same class are they, then backtracked and said the issues had been taken into account ..They are separate again.

Yes, I would. Make an appointment to see the teacher and explain. Not unreasonable at all.

Don't the school know about what's gone on already?!!

Yes agree do it.

I would be worried about the teachers comments that your dd was a good influence on her too.

She's far too young to be potentially 'used' this way by the school. And it does happen.

Crazykat lucky everyone didn't say that. Someone had to be in the class with this poor boy. For his sake school should be addressing it.

Re the OP am on fence, as in life we will often have to work with colleagues we don't get on with, so learning to resolve stuff is the way to go.

Absolutely - oh how I wish I had that option.

Yes, but if someone is being such a bitch at work you usually have the option to move desks, departments or jobs. Children have very limited options.

Fanjo - resolving things only really works if a bully is reasonable or empathic. Which is generally unlikely.

Also what would OP be teaching her child by making her DC stay in the class and put up with the ongoing situation? To put up and shut up? I'd rather teach my child that when things are awful, they can change their life for the better.

In a working situation someone would just involve the police for physical assault, HR for general bullying or simply move jobs. Adults have more control.

Children are very vulnerable and I think a positive experience of school can help build
self esteem and confidence. I'd want a positive experience for my children anyway

"The boy has behavioural problems which I'm sympathetic to"

I am assuming this meant SN and not that he is a bully.