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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To swallow my pride and pick up the phone?

41 replies

CallMeExhausted · 25/03/2015 15:54

Some of you may remember the saga of my mother, her disassociation from my family, and my nc status with her.

She has now been sent home from hospital on palliative (comfort only) care (interesting, because I was told the same things a month ago, and then she was suddenly undergoing chemotherapy again).

Anyhow, I received a message via the dreaded FB from a friend of hers saying how badly she wants to hear from me. Her birthday is tomorrow and I am very torn over whether I will call her or not. It certainly will not do anything for me - the toxic nature of our relationship can't be fixed with a phone call that will in essence be a goodbye. Something that I already said when my contact with her ended.

I have a day of appointments of my own tomorrow. If I call her (she is in a different time zone) it'll have to be from my mobile while I am out of house.

This call would not be for me, it is 100% for her (the history is deep and very upsetting) but for some reason, I am really struggling.

Should I swallow my pride just to say that I have done it?

Or AIBU to even consider giving her the upper hand after all I have done to try and heal my family ?

OP posts:

RJnomore · 25/03/2015 15:59

I don't know your back story, but if you don't call and you don't get another chance, you sound like you might regret it later. I don't think it would be swallowing your pride. Sorry this is hsppening to you.

prawnballs · 25/03/2015 16:04

I don't know what's happened in the past either but I agree with RJ

feebeecat · 25/03/2015 16:21

Don't your back story, but the question is would you regret it if you didn't do it? And that's a hard one to answer.
I am in a vaguely similar situation, nc with family member who is terminal, slightly different as am fairly sure she doesn't want to hear from me though. I have previously called & one time was greeted with "why are you phoning, scared I'd die & you'd never get to speak to me again?" It was just yet another side swipe, but I actually gave it a lot of thought, decided I just didn't know her anymore & if I never spoke to the person she'd become I would be no worse off. I hear she's still the same & unlikely to change, so am fairly certain - as sure as I can be anyway - that I won't regret it.
But, like I said, hard decision

DoJo · 25/03/2015 16:26

I think you need to consider what you will get out of it - would you feel better for having done the dutiful thing, or will you kick yourself for playing her game? If this really was the last opportunity you had to talk to her, would you want to take it, or would you be at peace with the idea that this was the end?

Do you think you would be able to say anything to her that would bring you peace, or would you be trying to give her peace at the expense of your own state of mind? I get what PPs are saying about missing the chance to say something, but if you feel it has all been said, than any further contact could actually leave you feeling like more loose ends have been created IYSWIM. Could she contact you if she wanted to?

DoJo · 25/03/2015 16:28

Sorry - lots of questions there, not necessarily demanding answers on the thread, just sharing some of the things I asked myself when faced with a similar situation.

FenellaFellorick · 25/03/2015 16:37

I don't think people generally cut off a parent on a whim. Mostly it comes after years and years of shocking, abusive treatment that really fucks you up. The decision to go NC generally comes many years later than it could do and usually after so much soul searching, so I always think that if someone has made that choice - they had damned good reason to!

Some things are just unforgivable and I don't believe that a) someone is owed a place in your life because they happen to be a parent or b) a person's imminent death makes them a better person.

I would say that if you feel you need to do it for you, then do it.

If you feel some sort of obligation to do it for her, then don't.

The thing about saying your last piece to someone is that generally they speak too and it's not usually anything that you want to hear.

sparechange · 25/03/2015 16:43

I don't know your story, but presumably if you went NC and refer to her as toxic, there is a history of her manipulating you and other people, and it sounds like you don't fully trust that she isn't doing this again.

Personally, I think you reap what you sow. If you are going to be such a bitch to your own children that the only option they are left with is to avoid you and your nastiness altogether, then I'm afraid that means you also miss out on family support when you are ill and it's your birthday.

She wouldn't be getting a call from me in your situation, but I appreciate this is a really difficult thing to be going through.

SoonToBeMrsB · 25/03/2015 16:45

If you are going to be such a bitch to your own children that the only option they are left with is to avoid you and your nastiness altogether, then I'm afraid that means you also miss out on family support when you are ill and it's your birthday.

This.

VeryAgedParent · 25/03/2015 16:54

Will/would you attend their funeral?

Original poster

CallMeExhausted · 25/03/2015 17:42

Lots of questions, and I will try to address them all... but I am on my phone, so scrolling should be "fun".

feebee I am not certain I would regret it if I didn't contact her, but my DS is her "golden boy" (first born grandson, named after my mother's deceased brother) and that is part of where it gets sticky. I have provided him the number, told him he is welcome to call her... he hasn't, but perhaps I should encourage him again (he is 16). However, she has only seen my DD (9) 3 times in her life, each time when I made the effort. She essentially denies her existence, and my DD wouldn't know who my mother is if she showed up tomorrow

Several years ago, my mother accused me of being angry at her for not dying already... this is the degree of toxicity she is capable of.

DoJo I have already tried, and am certain there would be no peace for me if I made contact. This is essentially for her. She could contact me, she is on Facebook, has my phone number, and also has my son's phone number and access to Facebook for him. However, this is how she operates. She is (and I do know it is not right to speak poorly of the dying) without a doubt the single most narcissistic individual I have ever met, and instead of contacting us, she is getting others to do it on her behalf.

VeryAgedParent I will not attend her funeral. Even if I wanted to which I am still of two minds about , I don't think I would be able to afford to. She moved to the other end of the country, away from the entire family, more than 11 years ago.

Days like this I would really like for things to be simple. Even for a while.

OP posts:

sparechange · 25/03/2015 17:53

OP, I can't see how any good could come of contacting her, other than to make her realise that she still exercises power and control over you, and now also has control over the person who she got to contact you on Facebook.

At best, you'll get a guilt trip laid on thick from her. It sounds like your son is able to see through her 'golden boy' act, and probably has a degree of awareness over what a cow she is to your daughter, so it would send a very confusing message to him if you do contact him. Not least that standing up to bullies is optional.

crje · 25/03/2015 17:58

I won't be visiting my NC dad on his death bed.
I wish things were different but they are not.
I have no patent/child relationship with him.

I'd have loved to have had a good dad. It's a real sadness I have.

noonoos78 · 25/03/2015 18:16

callmeexhausted
just incase you didn't know - patients are often offered something called palliative chemotherapy or palliative radiotherapy. it won't cure the cancer but can often help control the symptoms such as pain etc.
it may be that your mother was given palliative chemo - and is now beyond that stage and so has been sent home for end of life care.

when i was nc with my mother i did not think i would contact her - but then she had a near-fatal accident and so i went to the hospital to support my siblings as much as anything else. she survived and we are now in contact again, but strictly on my terms.

its a hard call - if you'll have any regrets then call her i guess. if not let it lie.

msgrinch · 25/03/2015 18:22

I'd call but only because I'm now in a position where I don't know if my father's alive or dead.

I went nc after so much emotional abuse. It was the right thing but now the not knowing is killing me. obviously you'd find out. I'd like a final talk with him but I think the chance has gone.

Do what is best for you.

DoJo · 25/03/2015 18:27

I have already tried, and am certain there would be no peace for me if I made contact. This is essentially for her.

In that case, let her be the one to make a move if she really wants to speak to you. You already have enough awful memories of being in touch with her, from the sounds of things, why add one more? And, without wishing to sound too harsh, she will get to die and be free of all her feelings on the matter, whereas you will live on with yours, so unless you have anything that you want to say to her, why add to your burden?

Original poster

CallMeExhausted · 25/03/2015 18:30

noonoos thank you for the clarification. A month ago (Feb 27th) I was told that treatment had been withdrawn (she had been having palliative radiation) and she was coming home on comfort care only - specifically just pain relief.

I just read through the message that was sent again - and it is all "I would like to see" and "I think you should contact her" and "I know she would like to hear your voice".

I don't know what to make of it - either my mother has suggested that she wants to have me contact her or this friend has taken it upon herself...

OP posts:

Original poster

CallMeExhausted · 25/03/2015 18:33

DoJo that is essentially what my DH has said. What I do now has to be for me, as when the time comes, it'll be me who lives on with the knowledge of what is or is not done.

I am fortunate that he is being very supportive (he knows what she is all about).

OP posts:

FenellaFellorick · 25/03/2015 18:55

Shes probably told the friend a load of bollocks. Writing herself as the good guy.
The story will be designed to get sympathy from the friend i bet.

derxa · 25/03/2015 18:57

Please call It will make you feel better. My father's cancer is terminal now Let past nastiness go. Believe me my father's behaviour has been disgusting in the past.

CocobearSqueeze · 25/03/2015 19:22

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Crazyqueenofthecatladies · 25/03/2015 19:35

It's a tough one. My mums been dead 19 years, it's such a long time to mull over the could haves. If it were me I would make one last visit, expecting nothing, but to give her one last chance to say sorry, or one last chance to hurt you again. One last chance then she's dust. Her role in it all will soon be nothing more than oblivion but you might have years to dwell on this, selfishly I'd want to ensure I was basking on the moral high ground every time I looked back. This is for you, not her.

splodgeses · 25/03/2015 19:38

They say in life you regret more the things you didn't do but wish you had, more than the things you do that you wish you hadn't.

As I don't know your background, I can only attempt to guess, I am nc with most of my family, especially my mother because of the years of horror from her.

In your situation, I think I would believe that not speaking to her is best all round, but would hold the above ^^ in my mind. Knowing what she is like, means that she can't hurt me anymore. Whatever nonsense she spouts, atrocious drivel she spits, lies, snide remarks she makes, I know I can ignore it and say my goodbye, put down the phone and be at peace in myself.

What I wonder is whether I would regret not making the call and living the rest of my life not knowing if she was being just as stubborn as me (for not calling I mean) but truly wanted to say sorry perhaps.

At least of you do call, you will know for sure, one way or the other, if you don't, you may never know. Plus, it might be a therapeutic type of closure on what sounds like a terrible relationship.

Good luck whatever you decide OP

splodgeses · 25/03/2015 19:39

x-post crazyqueen

feebeecat · 25/03/2015 19:41

In that case I probably wouldn't bother.
Fenella made a good point unthread, when my relative first got their terminal diagnosis they made contact for the first time in a couple of years, turns out they were 'just putting their house in order' & wanted to tell me what they thought of me one more time. Not sure it did me a lot of good, but in some ways in confirmed that I was right to go nc in first place.
It does kind of sound like the friend has taken it upon themselves to get involved though. Is there anyone else that you could contact to talk to? Think I'd definitely want to know this was coming from her before I even considered it. And even then it would be doubtful.

oneearedrabbit · 25/03/2015 20:04

Why do you have to call? why not send a card or letter in the post? then you have made contact but do not have to engage.

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