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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To swallow my pride and pick up the phone?

41 replies

CallMeExhausted · 25/03/2015 15:54

Some of you may remember the saga of my mother, her disassociation from my family, and my nc status with her.

She has now been sent home from hospital on palliative (comfort only) care (interesting, because I was told the same things a month ago, and then she was suddenly undergoing chemotherapy again).

Anyhow, I received a message via the dreaded FB from a friend of hers saying how badly she wants to hear from me. Her birthday is tomorrow and I am very torn over whether I will call her or not. It certainly will not do anything for me - the toxic nature of our relationship can't be fixed with a phone call that will in essence be a goodbye. Something that I already said when my contact with her ended.

I have a day of appointments of my own tomorrow. If I call her (she is in a different time zone) it'll have to be from my mobile while I am out of house.

This call would not be for me, it is 100% for her (the history is deep and very upsetting) but for some reason, I am really struggling.

Should I swallow my pride just to say that I have done it?

Or AIBU to even consider giving her the upper hand after all I have done to try and heal my family ?

OP posts:

Original poster

CallMeExhausted · 25/03/2015 20:08

The people she has around her know nothing about me aside from what she has told them. I have never met nor spoken to any of them. There is certainly no one there who I could get an uncoloured answer from.

OP posts:

Original poster

CallMeExhausted · 25/03/2015 20:14

why not send a card or letter in the post?

It is unclear how much longer she will be alive - the cancer is central - in her heart, aorta, lungs and spine. With the post here the way it is, I am unsure it would arrive there prior to Good Friday (when there is no post, service will not resume until the following Tuesday)... and that is assuming I can get something into the post tomorrow.

Appropriately worded and put together, of course.

OP posts:

SaucyJack · 25/03/2015 20:18

I would ring.

My dad died suddenly last year during a time that we weren't speaking. I'm not sorry he's dead, and I don't regret being NC at the time, but I would have very, very, very, very much liked to have said goodbye.

I think you'll regret it more if you don't ring, and once she's gone- there's no second chances.

DoJo · 25/03/2015 20:20

It sounds like you are at the point where your relationship is the equivalent of a nearly healed scab that's been knocked off time and time again. Contacting her would be like ripping the scab off and having to go through the healing process all over again - you know you will get there, but every time you do it, the scar tissue surrounding it spreads a little further, takes a little longer to heal and lasts a little longer.

It sounds like you just want a chance for that scab to heal up and limit the damage, but only you can know if the satisfaction of one last pick would be worth it. (Sorry - the metaphor got a bit tortured towards the end, but I hope you know what I mean!).

Disastronaut · 25/03/2015 20:23

I really feel for you, OP. I'm not in contact with most of my family and my parents are long gone. Their presence in my life was disastrous.

If I was in your shoes, I think I might see it as a question of control. You are separate, you have a supportive partner, you can make a choice to contact her from a position of strength.

I'm not suggesting for a minute it will fix anything or bring relief. It's far too late for that.

But if you can make yourself be calm and in control - any ready for any crap she might spout - then there is a kind of peace to be had in being able to demonstrate that kind of strength and decency to someone who clearly doesn't have it.

I hope you're ok whatever you decide.

Joyfulldeathsquad · 25/03/2015 20:24

op I can sympathise.

I've been NC with my mother for 15 years. If your mother is anything like mine she wouldn't have directly asked her friend. She may have dropped hints or her friend has just taken it upon herself.

OttiliaVonBCup · 25/03/2015 20:34

I would.

When she's gone, she's gone.
I lost someone very suddenly and there is so much I wish I'd said.

Stratter5 · 25/03/2015 21:25

I wouldn't.

I am NC with my parents, and as others have said, it's not something you do lightly. I will not be reversing that decision under any circumstances, I went NC for me, and for my DDs, and to reverse that would not be right for us.

sparechange · 25/03/2015 21:36

What dojo said...

Satsumafairy · 25/03/2015 21:39

I feel for you very much op. My Dp's mum is very unkind and abusive to her and it is extremely upsetting to see. I honestly don't know the answer to your question, dp is struggling with a similar dilema at the moment, I think I would reiterate what others have said. Imagine she dies and you haven't called her. What would you feel? If I were you I think I would. Just because otherwise you may always be left wondering.

Bettercallsaul1 · 25/03/2015 22:12

I would write a letter, OP - obviously as soon as possible but not before you've thought carefully what you want to say. I would go for a written farewell message, rather than a dialogue on the phone - that way you have communicated with her but in a controlled way, and on your terms. A phone call is much more unpredictable and may not go the way you want, leaving you with lasting regrets about making it.

As for the letter arriving in time, don't let that be an influencing factor - leave it up to fate. You will always know that you tried and did your best in extremely difficult circumstances. Do this last thing on your own terms.

mommy2ash · 25/03/2015 22:14

I have always said I prefer to regret the things I have done rather than regret the things I didn't do. which would you regret more the phone call or not making it

Dowser · 25/03/2015 22:19

My cousin was NC with his sister.

He heard she was terminal . He picked up th phone and spoke to her.

She died the next day.

Her husband was over the moon to have heard from her brother.

Hard without knowing the backstory. My ex hubby was terminal . He was horrible to me at the end of our marriage . I decided to be the bigger person and texted my son to tell his dad that I was sorry about what was happening and that I sent him lots of love.

I got a thank you.

Will you have regrets?

That's the burning question.

FuckkityUp · 25/03/2015 22:51

It's impossible for you to know what to do and I'm not sure that thinking about it helps. I bet it just makes you feel more confused. How about making sure you have your phone with you tomorrow and if you get the feeling you want to call then call.

If you do call maybe it would be better to do so when you are out and about. Somewhere a bit noisy would be good then you can just have a short 'superfiscial' call. IYSWIM . This would be one of those times where a poor line would be a good thing.

Whatever you decide you shouldn't agonise over it. I know That's Easier said than done though.

Original poster

CallMeExhausted · 25/03/2015 23:16

Thanks again to all of you - it is helpful to see all of your varied opinions.

OP posts:

Bettercallsaul1 · 25/03/2015 23:37

Sleep on it, OP - see how you feel in the morning. Often your brain works on things overnight and you wake up knowing what you want to do.

I hope you find some peace of mind.

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