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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to want a new engagement ring?

59 replies

mooboos · 25/03/2015 14:27

My husband proposed to me (without a ring) 4 years ago today whilst on holiday and let me choose one myself when we got back. We didn't have that much disposable income at the time and I ended up picking a cheap one for £80 from H Samuel (no problem with the price - I loved the ring and was very happy with it).

Fast forward to January this year and the stone fell out . I took it to two jewellers who both told me that as it was such a cheap ring it would not be worth repairing it and that the actual repair process may actually break it even more and that it was probably better to just replace it. Husband knows all of this and knows how sad I was when it broke.

So now I have no engagement ring .

We are now in a financially much better position than we were when we got engaged and my husband has decided that he wants to buy £2,300 worth of graphics cards for his PC.

So, AIBU to wish that he would spend some of that money on buying me a new ring instead? I'm not even after an expensive one...just something to love and wear as much as I loved the old one.

OP posts:

OOAOML · 25/03/2015 16:39

YOUR card? Well I don't know what your financial arrangements are, but I wouldn't be using my credit card to pay for something like that unless it was all getting paid off straight away.

Original poster

mooboos · 25/03/2015 16:40

I think the rate it quite high. I have looked on the bank website and it gives two rates but i'm not sure which is which (shocking I know).

It's my actual physical card. He said that his work would buy them (he works in IT) and he could pay them back interest free which is nice of them but really unhelpful when i'm trying to talk him out of buying them.

OP posts:

letscookbreakfast · 25/03/2015 16:43

Ask him why he needs four, unless he wants to power the Hadron Collider they are not needed and they'll be obsolete by a good few years by the time a game comes out that needs that much power.

pinkfrocks · 25/03/2015 16:45

Sounds as if you both need to get your heads round the finances and understand credit cards- and either clear them each month or not use them for things that are unessential.

How do you divide your spending anyway? If he was to spend £2300 on himself, would you feel ok about buying yourself a ring- or a watch- or a handbag- for that amount? Same thing.

BackforGood · 25/03/2015 17:00

Listen to pinkfrocks.

The issue isn't a ring vs these cards.

The issue is you both being able to budget for things that you would like to have but aren't necessities. You need to talk about having your own "spending money" each month to save up for whatever it is you need to buy - at the moment, that's a ring for you and these cards for him. But the key is "save up for" not "buy when you haven't actually got the money".

Why not work out what the household / travel 'essentials' are (including insurances, depreciation on car, TV licence, etc. etc), save some as a contingency, save some for 'rainy day fund' then see how much you have left. Split that between you each month and then up to you what you use it for.

Original poster

mooboos · 25/03/2015 17:21

Our finances are not the problem here - that is all worked out just fine.

Our wages go into our own sole accounts and a standing order goes from each (we contribute the same amount) into the joint account to cover mortgage/bills/food/meals out etc. Anything that we have left in our own accounts is ours to do what we want with.

We also pay off the credit card in full every month from our joint funds.

I just don't see the need to spend that much and I really wish I could have a new ring! I will definitely tell him he needs to save if he wants them though.

OP posts:

BatteryPoweredHen · 25/03/2015 17:25

Missing point of thread a bit here, but he needs to save up the £400 each month until he has enough to buy them outright.

I'm not one who is frightened of spending money, but his suggestion is just madness - and he is doing it on your card? Why are you allowing this?

pinkfrocks · 25/03/2015 17:25

why does he rely on your credit card- does he not have his own?
Having a credit card is actually a sign of credit worthiness so has he been refused?

pinkfrocks · 25/03/2015 17:27

oh and if he says he will pay off the cost of them @ £400 a month that is not going to clear your card when the total cost is £2300.

Is it?

BatteryPoweredHen · 25/03/2015 17:30

btw "rubbish with money" is just a euphemism for "selfish and irresponsible"

Let's call a spade a spade, eh?

xRedLipsx · 25/03/2015 17:31

YANBU

He bought the ring, it was damaged through no fault of your own so he should replace it.

If he can spend the money on himself, even if it was just £200 nevermind over £2k! he should be able to spend some money on something very sentimental for you. It's not about the money, it's about the effort, I think.

I wouldn't buy myself a new engagement ring but would 100% want a new one if mine was broken as it is special (and i'm married so have a wedding ring too).

letscookbreakfast · 25/03/2015 17:31

pinkfrocks £400 x 6 is £2400.

pinkfrocks · 25/03/2015 17:33

LOL- I can do the maths! the op quoted this in her first post- it's not an exact figure if you look at the link to the items

my husband has decided that he wants to buy £2,300 worth of graphics cards for his PC.

pinkfrocks · 25/03/2015 17:34

It's the OP actually who can't do the maths- she said 6 months @ £400 :)

Original poster

mooboos · 25/03/2015 18:08

Grief, if he had his own credit card he would be bankrupt within a month! He is selfish and irresponsible with money and this has been a massive issue throughout our entire relationship.

Anyway, he will NOT be using my card for these things he wants. He will have to save up like everyone else.

OP posts:

Naoko · 25/03/2015 18:16

Another gamer here. I love my gaming rig and am totally ok with throwing money at it (when I have it) but I am seriously struggling to conceive of any reason why anyone would need four 980s. He's taking the piss and you should talk to him about it - both about the purchase (one 980 is great. Two in an SLI setup, I can see reasons for that although it's beyond both the needs and spending power of 95% of gamers. Four is just silly) and about your desire for a new ring.

UghReally · 25/03/2015 18:23

Does his PC clean the house?
If not, then 4 980's is ridiculous and beyond not needed...

MrsRossPoldark · 25/03/2015 18:25

I've been married nearly 20 years & recently lost my e ring. I was very upset as its a sentimental thing. So what if I'm married - that didn't stop me wanting to replace it.

Sadly a lot of men don't get the sentimental side & you will have to explain this to him. He may be only considering the practical side - why spend ££ when you don't need to?

If you can, but yourself one! If paying off IT stuff one c/card is ok, so is an engagement ring. It's not your fault it broke & if it was only meant to be temporary, he's conveniently forgotten!

SolasEile · 25/03/2015 18:32

The ring is the least of your problems. Your H sounds like an overgrown teenager spending so much money on some gaming accessories.

Unless he is planning to surprise you with a very swanky ring then I think you need to have words with him about his attitude to spending. At the very least stop him using the joint credit card.

Alternatively, knock yourself out and spend £2k on a new engagement ring

derxa · 25/03/2015 18:34

YANBU I understand exactly how you feel. Without going into details I would love a new engagement ring. Having been married for almost 30 years I think I deserve a very large diamond ring. It's irrational and I'm not usually venal greedy or profligate but I want one. There I've said it.

Original poster

mooboos · 25/03/2015 18:57

Just tried to speak to him about it and he got all pissed off. He said he has decided he only needs 3 now and anyone who says that it's unnecessary doesn't know what setup he's running

Thank you to those who understand my desire for a new ring. I hope you all get yours one day.

OP posts:

BatteryPoweredHen · 25/03/2015 19:40

He can have as many as he wants. When he has saved up enough to pay for them (and after any essential expenses have been met)

Everybody's different, but personally, unless I owned my own home (and was comfortably managing the mortgage payments), had no other debts and already had substantial savings, I just couldn't justify spending that sort of money on 'fun' things.

What does he say to justify this expenditure OP?

letscookbreakfast · 25/03/2015 20:13

Sorry but he's talking bollocks, no setup or game in the world needs three or four 980's.

If he's chasing a dream of running every game in 4k at 120FPS maxed out then I'd advise him to give up that dream quite quickly as it is beyond overkill.

Is he compensating for the lack of something else?

pinkfrocks · 26/03/2015 08:54

I think the games and the ring are the least of your problems.

Why did you marry a 'man' who couldn't be trusted to have his own credit card?

Why are you still with a man who sulks like a teenager when you say he can't have something ( a toy) until he has saved the £2K?

It's obvious this is a parent-child marriage. Unless you sort out the fundamentals around money and him behaving like an adult then I think you won't in time be wearing your wedding ring, let alone an engagement ring.

Have you tried counselling as a couple to try to sort this out? it won't go away unless its met head-on and you are in for a life of misery unless he grows up.

(And as for people who say you are no longer engaged so don't need a ring, well since when did women discard an engagement ring once they were married? )

FlaviaAlbia · 26/03/2015 09:17

Why on earth do you want to marry him? He's useless with money, whines when people 'don't understand' what he 'needs' and appears to think he's entitled to your money.

If you want to stay with him, it's your life and this is just words on a page, but I think you'd be far safer avoiding marriage and any kind of joint finances.

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