about my neighbour

[deliverdaniel]

We live in a house converted into two flats- we are on the top and have been there nearly 4 years. Until recently the flat below was rented out on a mixture of short term and longer term leases, so in the time we have been living there there have been five different sets of people below, one for two years and the other four on short term contracts for the rest of hte time. We have never had any problems with any of these other people and have always got on well with them.

We have two DSs age 4 and 18 months. They are probably averagely noisy for kids that age - ie they sometimes cry/ run around etc. I have banned noisy toys/ music makers etc to be considerate to downstairs neighbours and try as much as possilbe to stop any particularly noisy games.

A woman has moved in downstairs- she is in her sixties. She has set up in business as an alternative healer and seems to require complete silence for this. UNDer the terms of the lease and also city by-laws she is not allowed to be running a business there, although honestly I don't care what she does in her own apartment. But she is constantly comign up and shouting at us to be quiet when the kids are playing. She yelled at my mum for talking on the stairs (normal volume.) She came up and shouted at our nanny for tenderising a chicken in the middle of the day which must have been 30 seconds max of hammering because she had a client with her.

I pick up the kids from childcare and we are home around 3.30-4pm ish and she has come up to tell me that the noise of them playing is too much for her and can they just watch television in the afternoons instead. She has also asked me to change their bedtime so they wake up later so she can have a lie in, and also to keep them in their bedrooms when they do wake up (6- 6.30am) until she wakes up. This is very hard for various reasons, they don't want to stay in their bedrooms, they are hungry and don't want to wait an hour for breakfast etc etc. AIBU to a) be annoyed about this and b) challenge her on the fact that she shouldnt' be running this business anyway from home and can't really expect me to curtail my kids normal activities so she can see do this? or am I being entitled and not understanding enough of her point of view? Would genuinely appreciate thoughts. Thank you!

Just live your life as you did before she moved in. No more noise and certainly no less. If her bad behaviour continues, send her a letter listing her stupid requests and why they are stupid, including the law about business at home and send a copy to the landlord. Seeing crap in black and white has a remarkable impact sometimes. Sounds like the LL will boot her out at the end of the six months least anyway - dopey mare!

Yanbu

We have noisy neighbours- think parties until 6 in the morning, musical instruments at all times of the day and night, stereos pumping out etc. but you sound like you're just making normal household noises. Tell her to do one.

In fact, can you swap with our neighbours and then she really would have have a reason to complain.

YANBU!!

OP you must now stop listening to her demands. If she shouts up, knocks on the door etc; fake smile and then carry on doing what you are doing.....I.e normal household noise!

She is essentially trying to bully you and dictate. I was when you wrote that she asked you to change the children's bedtime!

I would also be letting the landlord know.

I love the 'shhhh' Quiet time' approach. Or 'kindly stop banging on my door, what is it this time, someone tiptoe too loudly?'

She is daft and has rented the wrong place.

Report her for running a business. Who cares if she knows it was you? She's breaking the terms of her lease. I'd have told her to fuck off long ago. She has no right to tell you to change your life to please her.

yadNbu! How dare she ask you to change your routines? If she can't take the noise, she shouldn't live under a flat with a family of young children.

Contact her landlord or letting agent, is that possible?

YANBU but no don't escalate it just carry on as normal and if she hammers on your door again threaten to report her illegal business. She's ridiculous but sounds like she won't be there long hopefully

"A woman has moved in downstairs- she is in her sixties. She has set up in business as an alternative healer and seems to require complete silence for this. UNDer the terms of the lease and also city by-laws she is not allowed to be running a business there, although honestly I don't care what she does in her own apartment."
Well given how much she cares about what you do in your apartment, I think you should return the compliment. I would contact her (your?) landlord and point out that she is breaking the terms of her lease. And then catalogue her intrusion into your life and her unreasonable demands. Make it clear that you expect action to be taken.

She is not going to change, so you need to change your approach. Don't even consider that you have to take any of her shit. She is in the wrong.

The problem with people like this is that once you agree with their demand and stop what you are doing/quieten the DCs/turn off the tv, they think that they are in the right and that you agree that you were being unreasonably loud, they then grow to expect you to maintain the level of silence and it only ever gets worse.

They need to learn that if you choose to live in a flat you are going to have to deal with neighbour noise, that's just how it is.

So this neighbour is complaining because your kids are disturbing her "alternative healing" scam?

YANBU.

if someone suggests my kids should be shoved in front of a tv instead of running about burning off energy in their own home I'll not be best pleased

(wanted to write "I swear I'll do time" like the private eye message boards)

Yanbu. Agree with pp that you should not adjust your family life. But perhaps point out the things you've already done like limiting noisy toys.

YANBU. She has clearly decided to move into the wrong place - not your problem.

Plus, she is harassing you.

yanbu and I say that as a person living in a flat below a very noisy one!
Out upstairs neighbours have a 3 yr old who runs around constantly until 10-11pm, every night.
they recently went to Pakistan for 5 weeks of BLISS. They are now back driving me insane but I just consider it part of flat living.
They are moving out at the end of April (they rent and its been sold to a young childless couple)

They are absolutely lovely people and we get on great but I am secretly happy they are moving on.

tell the woman its part of flat living and to piss off. nicely of.course.

I'm a hitman offering discounted rates.
Do I have a new customer?

Healers and the like rent rooms in Alt Health type venues for exactly this reason. That's what she should be doing. Not trying to curtail your perfectly normal domestic arrangements in a domestic residence! YANBU at all.

Well, I'm going to go against the grain here and say that neither of you are bing U but that it sounds like she is obviously stressed and that perhaps the noise in her flat is much louder than you realise.

We live in a conversion, on the ground floor and the noise from above is awful. The soundproofing is terrible and the upstairs neighbour has wooden floors. We can hear EVERYTHING Coughing, TV, phone ringing, drawers opening, feet stamping, crashing and banging and floor scraping, toilet noises. It is really bad. I don't think the neighbour is doing anything particularly extreme but is not being particulalry aware or considerate either, unlike you are OP.

It makes us feel very stressed and claustrophobic as we like quiet. And paranoid about what she can hear from us so we try to be really quiet ourselves, especially in the bedroom! But this is stressful. We can't afford to move though. And don't want to risk upset by saying anything.

Rather than just escalating this, I would offer to spend some time in her flat whilst the kids are playing and someone doing housework etc/ being normal and see what the noise is like. It might just be weirdly amplified in a way that you can't imagine from your own flat. See what you think when you've given it a try

Pod - so why haven't other neighbors complained before? Im sorry but she loses any higher ground by running an illegal business out of the property.

I am afraid it was up to her to ask who lived above her, you cant make your dc watch tv how ridiculous. You will have to profusely apologies and gently let her down but tell her, you will not be ABLE to make such young children sit down EVEN IF YOU WANTED TOO, and my god, sometimes dont we just WANT THEM TOO!

It doesn't matter how noisy it is, pod, it's normal living. She is already being considerate.

Report her to the letting agent or LL for harassment and running a business in the proprety and tell the local authority she is running a business illegally.

She is in the wrong place and she needs to move.

We have a nuisance neighbour and cannot afford to move so we have to just suck it up.

It makes us feel very stressed and claustrophobic as we like quiet

And your putting sound proofing in are you?

Yes op, offer to listen ( as a diplomatic gesture) but really, as anyone knows you cant make such young children be quiet.

Every time I have romantic visions of still living in our beautiful first apartment, I think of threads like this and remember how much of a pita living on top of other people is!

OP, just carry on living normally. Just because you live above someone else doesn't mean you need to stop tenderising your chicken!

We are a top floor maisonette. Thank god for carpets, nice neighbours and the fact our lovely downstairs neighbours have their bedrooms on their ground floor and have kids themselves