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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Aibu to be annoyed at 'dh' and ds over dd birthday

29 replies

Bluethirsty · 24/03/2015 21:28

There are other things going on which may be influencing me on this so I wanted to see if it's really me being ur.
It's my dd 10th birthdAy today. Last night I am wrapping the last of the presents when dh comes in and just say 'where's the card to sign'. I had mislaid it so just said I'm not sure if I've got one. He looks annoyed and walks off, later I find it and leave it out for him to sign when he comes to bed. He does this with no comment and goes to bed. Now background to this is that he knows only one present that has been bought for her birthday and has not even asked if I have got her anything else/enough and the present he knows was sorted by me. It then occurs to me that ds has not even asked about a card or present for him to give (I normally sort).
I think well at 15 surely he should be buying one and a small present himself so I leave it and go to bed.

In the morning ds wanders in as dd is opening presents and stage whispers where's my card to which I reply, I don't know I thought at 15 you might have sorted.

Dh and ds seem annoyed with me at this. So my aibu is, I have sorted every present , card, party basically everything to make my dd birthday enjoyable for which we all receive the thanks from dd. is it ok that I feel really pissed off at the lack of gratitude from the 'boys' and that they actually seem annoyed with me!

OP posts:

BuildYourOwnSnowman · 24/03/2015 21:31

Yes that would annoy me! I buy the kids presents and cards but dh is nothing but grateful! I hate being taken for granted

WorraLiberty · 24/03/2015 21:33

Well I can kind of understand it really.

If you've always chosen to sort these things, your DH will have had very little input over the years.

Equally, if you've always sorted stuff from your DS, why would he know that this year he needed to sort it himself?

Next year (or maybe christmas) give them both plenty of notice that you won't be doing everything, so they'll need to pitch in.

But if they don't know, you can't expect them to suddenly do it really.

teeththief · 24/03/2015 21:34

I think you should have warned DS that you were no longer buying cards/presents on his behalf if it's something you usually do.

YANBU about DH though

glittertits · 24/03/2015 21:36

i think when you change the routine you have to inform them. If you have always bought the birthday stuff, you can forgive them (DS, maybe not DH) for not knowing to get something.

BuildYourOwnSnowman · 24/03/2015 21:37

The dh was just plain rude! Op wasn't suggesting changing any routine for him but he could have been polite

As for ds, yes that probably is true that he may have needed pushing in the right direction

FryOneFatManic · 24/03/2015 21:38

This would annoy me too. They need to appreciate what you do.

Both of them could easily have checked with you in advance and helped in sorting cards/presents.

fairylightsbackintheloft · 24/03/2015 21:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Littlef00t · 24/03/2015 21:41

A comment on Saturday to ds wouldn't have gone amiss, but DH sounds like he's certainly taking your role for granted. But you've been facilitating this.

Original poster

Bluethirsty · 24/03/2015 21:42

Thing is they do normally at least ask if the presents are sorted and ds will ask what he can give. Without meaning to drip feed, it's the anniversary of my bil death this week and all still feeling very raw about it, yet my nephew who is same age remembered and made something for dd, just makes me worry that ds will end up as unthinking as my dh.

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Lovelydiscusfish · 24/03/2015 21:43

YANBU, but I would say next time just remind ds? My dm still reminds me about db's birthday, and I'm in my late 30s.
Your dh, not so much! Surely he can remember, and get organised for, his own child's birthday! I buy the majority of gifts for my dd's Christmas and birthday, but would be annoyed if dh did not remember and make his own plans to buy one or two gifts specially from him, too.

Original poster

Bluethirsty · 24/03/2015 21:45

Sorry just reading comments. I agree re ds that I have facilitated this. I think things this year with my dh have made me more aware that I don't want my ds to have to be drip fed 'the right thing to do'. But you are right, I think I should have spoken to ds earlier to prompt him, he is a lovely lad and I guess just didn't think.

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Lovelydiscusfish · 24/03/2015 21:47

Cross post - sorry for your loss. And please don't worry re your ds - fairly normal to be a bit unthinking about these things as a teen, but am sure you are bringing him up to be a thoughtful person in general - the fact that he clearly felt bothered about not having got organised to buy something for his dsis, does mean something!

CalleighDoodle · 24/03/2015 21:49

YABU you changed what was happening without telling anyone.

Original poster

Bluethirsty · 24/03/2015 21:52

I hope so. I just worry that he will end up like my dh who only seems to show 'empathy' or do things when he is told to ie by me (can't be bothered anymore) or by mil. I can't blame mil for dh if I am doing the same thing with ds by staging his effort with people. Reading that it sounds bad as I really think ds has a good heart and is a great lad so maybe I'm projecting.

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Original poster

Bluethirsty · 24/03/2015 21:54

Çalleigh, they changed what was happening by not bothering to ask when they normally do. So maybe bad as each other?

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FuzzyHeaded · 24/03/2015 21:54

Hmm. I think YABU r.e. your son and YANBU r.e. your DH? I think a teenaged older brother, however lovely, might be forgetful / disorganised / expect Mum to organise stuff if that's how things have gone in the past. I have trouble remembering my siblings birthdays and I'm in my mid-twenties!

I think, r.e. your DH, you should ask him to be more proactive with the DC's birthdays. My DF never got involved in Christmas or birthday presents, Mum just did it all. I did notice and it did hurt.

magoria · 24/03/2015 21:54

At 15 your DS has grown up seeing this is how his dad acts and this is how he should act.

It is going to be hard to break him out of the model you and and DH have shown.

Original poster

Bluethirsty · 24/03/2015 21:55

I mean me and them bad as each other

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Original poster

Bluethirsty · 24/03/2015 21:58

Magoria. Unfortunately I think you are right. Guess I have FU.

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Box5883284322679964228 · 24/03/2015 21:58

He is old enough to do gifts/card but will need a week or twos notice.

lomega · 24/03/2015 22:00

If you've always sorted things and dealt with things like presents, it is only natural to assume your son and husband would think you had it in hand. They presumably can't read minds, so you can't really expect them to just suddenly take it upon themselves to remember the card/present this year. YANBU though, this would annoy me too - the expectation that it's always the woman that organises cards, presents, events, letters etc really bugs me! But you have the power to change it Have a conversation with your family, everyone present, and say that from now on all gift buying will fall into everyone's shared responsibility, not yours alone.

I'll never forget my MIL berating me for not staying in touch with DH's side of the family as well as my own, yet he was 'off the hook' as far as she was concerned because "women tend to keep the family in contact." After saying "sorry, they are HIS family, not mine" and a raised eyebrow/silence, she actually apologised and said she was so used to women organising everything and she 'hadn't meant it like that' I went on to explain that (at the time) I was working a full time + job as the main wage earner for me & DH, so didn't have time to act as his PA!!

magoria · 24/03/2015 22:03

It isn't too late. A lot of teens also don't think beyond themselves but come out the other side as lovely caring adults.

What Box & Iomega say is right.

Make the changes now. Also so your DD doesn't grow up thinking it is her role to do this for little thanks.

Original poster

Bluethirsty · 24/03/2015 22:05

Communication with dh not worth it but yes I will talk to my ds tomorrow about this. I think you are right, I should have spoken to him.

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Original poster

Bluethirsty · 24/03/2015 22:08

Magoria, no I don't want dd to thnk she will have to be the one to do this. On the other hand I love the fact that she does always care and have concern for people so does make the effort. I think this is where I confuse and annoy myself!!

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Humansatnav · 24/03/2015 22:12

Your dh sounds like a twunt. It sounds like you are disengaging.
I hope your dd enjoyed her birthday

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