to think DH could at least make me a cup of tea

[flowersbythefire]

I am a SAHM with 2 dc age 8 and 10. Prior to this I worked from home but this became too difficult to continue and DH agreed with me stopping and I am now looking for another job. Because I have been at home since DC have been babies I have just done everything that needs doing at home. DH goes to work 9 - 5 and that is it. Once home he relaxes, does his hobby etc. This has really started to irritate me as I feel taken for granted. I don't expect him to do much - even a cup of tea would be nice. However, now I am not earning I don't know if I should just get on with it. So AIBU?

Sounds like he's a bit fed up being the one who does all the work. Don't think I'd make a man a cup of tea in this situation. Sorry!

cup of tea? I'd give you a large gin. Being a stay at home mum isn't about having sole responsibility for the children and house. In our home it's about enabling our family to have the lifestyle we want. We've chosen to bypass local schools to bring our children to better schools on the other side of town (state- funded). Education is our focus. So, my husband and I agreed that I would be available to facilitate this. With a number of children, at different stages, and with different after school commitments, this is what we have chosen to prioritize. It takes up a lot of my time during the day (normal around here).
As to 6 hours doing nothing whilst children are at school. I bet we are in a similar boat - sometimes the children are sick or on holiday, sometimes I have chores and on other days, I'm getting on with my life!
In the evenings/at weekends/during annual leave, we co-parent. I don't drink tea but I sure love being offered a glass of chilled wine, at the end of a long day. I don't think you're being unreasonable at all.

Vivienne how do you get that he's doing all the work?

From what the OP says it sounds like he is living as a single man in a hotel. Going to work, coming to home and eating the meal prepared for him without even a thank you, and then immersing himself in his laptop for the whole evening. I wonder what weekends look like in their household?

Since when does SAHP = domestic drudge?

I suspect that the cup of tea is just an example of a small thing he might do sometimes to show the OP he cares about her. Not that she is sitting on her arse at home at 5.30pm waiting for him to come through the door and put the kettle on

Well exactly. He's a father, not a paying guest.

I was going to say YANBU... I'm a SAHM and DH does more than his fair share around the house (DD is 16 months). Then I saw how old your children are and that they're out at school. I don't think there is really enough information in the OP to say whether YABU or not. Is it that he doesn't help out in the evenings? Surely you get most of the housework etc done during the day while the children at school so you can both relax in the evenings? Is it that he comes home and ignores you and the children? Is it that he spends all his time on his hobby and not with you? Or simply that he never makes you a cup of tea?

I dont think the op is saying that she wants more help, or a job, but would like her role in the family to be acknowledged. Her DH gets this acknowledgement by being financially rewarded. The op would like her efgorts to be acknowledged with a cup of tea. Hardly unreasonable.

May i suggest you get the book 5 love languages. Chances are your dh IS telling you he loves and appreciates you, but not in a way you recognise.

I have been in your situation op but my 2 were younger. Dh would do nothing and during the week I was ok with this. However they are only at school 161 days per year yet dh was doing nothing at home the whole time.
I think it is about apprecistion. The sahm saying that they appreciate it hard being at work all day but equally the wohp should make the odd cup of tea or help when dc are ill etc.

Why not just say 'ah stick the kettle on dh' or 'put the laptop away for 2 hours so we can snuggle up and watch this film together'
He won't know how you feel unless you tell him

If you are home alone all day then YABU for expecting the other to start making tea etc. What exactly does he need to appreciate?

Actually making each other a tea or coffee in the morning, unasked, and bringing it back to bed, is one of the simple, gentle and intimate things that OH and I do for each other.

My ExH never did. My OH says I was the first person to ever do it for him.

It's so simple, and yet means such a lot.

Sounds like op does all the cooking. All she want is a cup of tea occassionally.

I think if it were me I would expect dh to either cook or do the washing up for the evening meal. I am not in this situation though and can only dream of a time when I will get 6 child-free hours a day to myself!

Erm, pp who quoted me (sorry I'm on my phone and can't scroll back for your name) when did I say anything about gratefulness?! I said if appeared like the op was being taken for granted. Then wished her luck in finding a job (as she said she was looking).

However, now that you come to mention it, YES, partners should be grateful for the other's contribution, whether it be sahp, breadwinner, or both working part time. I appreciate my dp working his backside off to pay the bills, whilst he more than appreciates my hard work looking after the house, 3 dc and working part time.

We show it by, amongst other things, making each other cups of tea..........