Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think DH could at least make me a cup of tea

64 replies

flowersbythefire · 24/03/2015 13:45

I am a SAHM with 2 dc age 8 and 10. Prior to this I worked from home but this became too difficult to continue and DH agreed with me stopping and I am now looking for another job. Because I have been at home since DC have been babies I have just done everything that needs doing at home. DH goes to work 9 - 5 and that is it. Once home he relaxes, does his hobby etc. This has really started to irritate me as I feel taken for granted. I don't expect him to do much - even a cup of tea would be nice. However, now I am not earning I don't know if I should just get on with it. So AIBU?

OP posts:
Pyjamasandwine · 24/03/2015 14:48

I think this is more about one person sitting beside another one absorbed in a hobby and ignoring the other one for hours at a time.

That's very rude and sad really.

Team players talk.

Pyjamasandwine · 24/03/2015 14:50

Of course sahms arnt intrinsically lazy op.

I wasn't and you don't sound like you are either. It's a job too. Grin

Number3cometome · 24/03/2015 14:51

ignoring the other one for hours at a time

Who said anything about ignoring?

When the OP is at home in the day having her relaxing time, does she talk to anyone?

It's his free time, he can do what he likes with it!!

Morelikeguidelines · 24/03/2015 14:55

Do you know what, just working 9-5 and doing nothing else is such a breeze.

A couple of times when dd was small I worked for a few days near my parents. We stayed at theirs and they minded her for me. I went off to work in the morning, came home to tidy house and had dinner etc made for me. Was so lovely and restful! I would put dd to bed and bath (probably with dm involved too as dd loves her) and it was so easy!

Some fathers of earlier generations (obviously not those down mines etc!) had such easy lives!

formerbabe · 24/03/2015 14:58

Do you know what, just working 9-5 and doing nothing else is such a breeze.

A couple of times when dd was small I worked for a few days near my parents. We stayed at theirs and they minded her for me. I went off to work in the morning, came home to tidy house and had dinner etc made for me. Was so lovely and restful! I would put dd to bed and bath (probably with dm involved too as dd loves her) and it was so easy!

Some fathers of earlier generations (obviously not those down mines etc!) had such easy lives!

Working 9-5 is easier than looking after babies/toddlers. But the ops children are at school. That's 6 hours of child free time at home...I'm a sahm and its pretty dam easy once they are at school.

Number3cometome · 24/03/2015 15:01

I'm with Formerbabe here.

OP has 9-3 at least as spare time every day. That's 6 hours.

I wish I had 6 free hours a day.

To be honest, we all know what working or not working entails, no one has it harder either being a SAHP or working parent. It's give and take.
You cannot expect other people to come in from work and make you tea, when you have had all day to make it yourself. Nope, sorry.

loveisagirlnameddaisy · 24/03/2015 15:01

OP, maybe tell DH you'd appreciate some quality time in the evenings, talking and being sociable with one another?

loveisagirlnameddaisy · 24/03/2015 15:03

But number3, I'm not sure the issue here is what OP does during the day. I think its about the lack of 'togetherness' in the evening.

Number3cometome · 24/03/2015 15:10

That's not what OP said:

I have just done everything that needs doing at home. DH goes to work 9 - 5 and that is it. Once home he relaxes, does his hobby etc. This has really started to irritate me as I feel taken for granted.

OP says she feels taken for granted, not that she is ignored or there is a lack of togetherness.

Who doesn't sit and watch TV? (or laptop in this case)

My OH plays fucking football manager, but he's still conversing with me at the same time.

loveisagirlnameddaisy · 24/03/2015 15:24

Maybe the OP should clarify. :)

Number3cometome · 24/03/2015 15:27

Yeah, come on OP.

Does he drink tea? Does he ignore you when the laptop is on?

And very importantly, does he interact with the kids?

eyebags63 · 24/03/2015 15:41

here on MN there seems to be unwritten rule that the parent that works gets straight through the door at takes over from the SAHP.... nobody seems to care that the kids are in school 9-3?

I've been a SAHM. Really wouldn't expect DP to get through the door and start cooking tea for me when I've had most the day to do as I please.

Writerwannabe83 · 24/03/2015 15:49

A SAHM to children who aren't even in the home during the day yet you expect your 9-5 DH to make you a cup of tea when he gets in as a sign of appreciation? Grin

Sorry, YABU Grin

eyebags63 · 24/03/2015 15:51

YABU. It isn't just the 9-5 it is the commute as well and the stress/responsibility of being the breadwinner.

make your own cup of tea.

BoulevardOfBrokenSleep · 24/03/2015 15:54

And at the weekends, should OP be running round after her husband, too?

Number3cometome · 24/03/2015 15:55

BoulevardOfBrokenSleep

Nope, that's fend for yourself time!

loveisagirlnameddaisy · 24/03/2015 16:06

OP's post at 14.35 said 'I am more than happy for him to spend hours on his hobby a few times a week. But sitting on the settee with the lap top for hours after he gets home from work makes me feel resentful although I completely get your points Number 3.'

Dare I say that the second sentence kind of contradicts the first sentence. Either he is free to indulge his hobby, or he isn't.

Writerwannabe83 · 24/03/2015 16:10

Genuine question: could it be that he just has nothing to talk to you about?

I found that when I was on Mat Leave mine and DH's communication level really went down as I basically had nothing to talk to him about. There was only so much I could say about the baby, the Hoover and the washing up Grin

I think you definitely need to re-establish your relationship and spend some quality time together. Unless you actually do things together then it can be difficult to have anything to talk about.

Do you have any family/friends that can babysit to enable a weekly 'date night' so you can reconnect?

Number3cometome · 24/03/2015 16:13

OP hasn't actually said that DH is ignoring her?

Writerwannabe83 · 24/03/2015 16:22

If my DH spent hours on the laptop every night I would feel ignored...

Number3cometome · 24/03/2015 16:23

Even if he was talking to you?

Do you sit without the TV on then?

(genuine question)

Sexyhouseslippers · 24/03/2015 16:29

YABU your children are 8 and 10 and would be at school mostly so youre just doing housework. I've been a SAHM before and working is a lot harder if you don't like it go back to work.

Writerwannabe83 · 24/03/2015 16:31

No, but watching TV together can be a joint activity. Him sitting on his laptop would be him doing something alone, taking part in something that I was closed off to.

I guess it would be very different if DH was chatting to the OP whilst he was on his laptop, asking her questions, answering hers and having general two-way chatty moments with their full attention on each other but I got the impression that DH sits on his laptop and shuts himself off into his own little world. I'm sure he's not purposefully ignoring the OP but it doesn't sound like he's acknowledging her or engaging with her either.

OP needs to clarify though how he is with her during his laptop time Smile

FirstWeTakeManhattan · 24/03/2015 16:33

OP, what occupies you during the school hours? Do you have every day to yourself from 9 a.m. - 3 p.m.?

LineRunner · 24/03/2015 16:34

OP, try posting about your feelings on Relationships. You'll just get a pointless kicking on AIBU.

PM me if you like. I sympathise.

Swipe left for the next trending thread