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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think my friend's DH is being completely selfish

31 replies

ScaredForMyFriend · 24/03/2015 12:57

N/C as this might be identifiable.

Situation is:
My friend is PG and suffering from severe hyperemesis (30+times a day vomiting, in and out of hospital).
She has two children already and when this one arrives she will have 3 under 3 (so as not to drip feed, this baby is a result of contraceptive failure, they hadn't planned to have another)
She does not drive for medical reasons.
She has no support locally - I am her closest friend and I am nearly an hour away.
She is suffering from pre/post natal depression.
She lives in a tiny village with no facilities so needs to use the bus for everything.

There house is too small so they need to move and her DH is refusing to consider moving somewhere that has more facilities in walking distance for my friend. He will not even discuss it.

I am so scared for my friend dealing with all of this on her own - I have young children of my own so I can only visit her so often, I certainly cant provide the level of support she needs to help her deal with the depression. The place I have suggested they move to is an easier commute for her DH, she has everything she needs in walking distance whilst still being in a rural community plus they will be closer to us so I can be more on hand to help her out and support her.

AIBU for thinking her DH is a selfish arse for not prioritising his wife's mental health above all else?

(yes I know I should butt out of other people's business but she is such a wonderful friend and I hate seeing her so unhappy and stressed when something can be done to improve it for her and I am terrified for her and the children if her PND gets worse)

OP posts:

MrsTerryPratchett · 24/03/2015 13:00

What is his reason for not wanting to move to the place you suggested? If it's an easier commute...

glenthebattleostrich · 24/03/2015 13:03

I'd be pretty concerned TBH. What reason does he give for his refusal?

Reekypear · 24/03/2015 13:05

I think the issue is the rabid desire to keep having children with very small gaps.

Original poster

ScaredForMyFriend · 24/03/2015 13:06

The only reason given is that he doesn't want to live in the county we live in (they are currently in the county next door). He likes the village they live in and doesn't want to move. I haven't pushed my friend too hard for any more details on it and that was all her DH would say to my DH when they last spoke. my DH said he basically shut the conversation down as a complete non-negotiable.

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 24/03/2015 13:06

You haven't told us his reason for refusal

Is he refusing to move anywhere or just this place suggested by you?

What does your friend suggest?

Only1scoop · 24/03/2015 13:07

3 under 3's blimey ....sounds like sheer hell....

Why does he get to make all the decisions?

TheListingAttic · 24/03/2015 13:07

Well, yes, he is being a selfish arse. But if he won't desist in that for his wife's sake, he sure as shit won't do it for you - so I'm not sure what you can do, other than try your best to support her through yet another thing the poor woman's got to deal with, which is is a selfish DH.

WorraLiberty · 24/03/2015 13:09

Ahh X post

Perhaps (in the nicest possible way), her DH doesn't think it's up for discussion with you or your DH?

Take the hyperemesis out of the equation and you're saying she'll be left in the same village she lives in, but with 3 babies instead of 2?

I can see how difficult that's going to be, especially if she does happen to get PND but I don't think you can expect either of them to move just to be near you.

Do you drive? Do you work full time?

Original poster

ScaredForMyFriend · 24/03/2015 13:09

reeky if you read the OP, the first two were planned, the third one was not planned and caused by a medication and contraceptive issue that they didn't know about, the PND has been diagnosed since then.

OP posts:

TheMoa · 24/03/2015 13:10

Wow Reekypear, so anxious to shit all over someone, you apparently can't read the OP properly .

WRT the OP, there most be some valid reason for the husband not to want to move somewhere convenient for the whole family.

Money, his work, something? If its sheer bloody mindedness the wife has other problems entirely.

What is his reasoning, and are you sure that your friend is seeing and conveying things accurately?

SaucyJack · 24/03/2015 13:12

Are you good friends with him? Have you considered the possibility he doesn't want to live closer to you?

popalot · 24/03/2015 13:12

Are you sure it's him...maybe she's using him as an excuse because she doesn't want to move, but doesn't want to let you down. Just a thought....you may well have asked her this already...

Original poster

ScaredForMyFriend · 24/03/2015 13:14

worra my friend has said to me privately that her DH will not even think about moving out of area, wont even discuss it with her. I'm not sure if she has been able to actually voice to him how important it is to her though, she's quite timid.

Yes I know the HG is a short term problem but the PND is not (its technically pre-natal but my friend feels that is coincidence that she is pregnant again and it is actually post-natal from her previous child). plus she doesn't drive so will be managing 3 babies on a bus to go anywhere at all.

I am her closest support which is why I suggested to her moving a bit closer to us, but the place is closer to her DH's work so it makes sense for other reasons in the short term at least.

I drive and am a SAHM to 4DC (2 at school, 2 at home).

OP posts:

jeee · 24/03/2015 13:14

Really, OP, whilst you're obviously concerned about your friend, I think that to expect your friend and her DH to move to a town of your choice (which, btw, will be expensive, at a time when they have other expenses) is slightly odd. This is their life and their marriage.

And, yes, she'll be having a tough time (I had three under threes, don't drive, no family support, and had only just moved house so do get that). But really - moving to be close to a friend sounds an unusual solution. What happens if you need to move? Is your friend expected to follow you again?

WorraLiberty · 24/03/2015 13:15

I think on the actual face of it, it does look like he's being completely selfish

But as you've said yourself, you don't know the details so therefore I don't think you (or anyone here) can judge.

Viviennemary · 24/03/2015 13:17

I think I'd have had severe problems to with trying to cope with three children with such small age gaps. But that was their decision. Help out where you can. You can sympathise as much as you like with her DH's attitude but in the end it's up to the two of them to make a decision about what they do.

geekymommy · 24/03/2015 13:17

Does he have any suggestions for how to make life less difficult for her? What are they?

What are his reasons for wanting to stay in the county and village where they are? Do schools vary widely in quality between districts for you, the way they do here in the US? It's not at all uncommon here for people to want to live in an inconvenient place because of the quality of public education there. Does he work in the village where they live? Do they have family there?

Have they looked into sterilization for one of them? If they don't want any more children, their current contraceptive method is not working, and she has such a hard time with pregnancy, that would seem like a logical thing to do.

Original poster

ScaredForMyFriend · 24/03/2015 13:19

saucy I'm not good friends with her DH but have known him a while, I only socialise with him when both our families get together. I have probably spoken to him about 6 or 7 times in the time I've known him!

popalot I would hope my friend and I have a good enough relationship that she could just say that too me. actually now I think about it, I've never actually heard her say what she does want, only how hard things are as they are. the only time I've ever heard her say something close to what she herself wants is when I asked 'can you imagine never having to get on a bus' and she said 'that would be heaven'. it is true she has never said she wants to leave where she is, but she's never said she wants to stay either.

OP posts:

Original poster

ScaredForMyFriend · 24/03/2015 13:24

to clarify I don't expect them to move just to be closer to me!! they need to move, the current house is not big enough. this place ticks so many other boxes for them including being closer to the only localish family they have.

I'm just so worried for my friend, I know how much support I needed when mine were all tiny and I didn't have PND, I am scared for her battling this without support to lean on.

please be clear, this comes from concern for my friend, not my desire to make my life easier by her moving closer.

OP posts:

iklboo · 24/03/2015 13:25

Maybe they're in a massive financial hole & can't afford to move - particular with 3 under 3s. That's not something I'd want to discuss with a friend of the family no matter how well I knew them.

scallopsrgreat · 24/03/2015 13:27

PND doesn't just happen by chance. There are plenty of situational reasons for it to occur. Being isolated with 3 children under three, next to no support, with a husband unwilling to compromise (or seemingly talk about it) would be massive factors in PND continuing. I think you are right to be worried OP.

What is her husband doing to support her?

SaucyJack · 24/03/2015 13:28

I don't doubt your concern is genuine OP, but I do think there is a chance you might be over-stepping the mark a bit.

They're big and ugly enough to decide for themselves if, and where to, they want to move.

I would take A Very Dim View if one of my OH's friends decided that we should both move for his sake, and that I was selfish for not wanting to leave my home.

Subtlety is key, yah?

jeee · 24/03/2015 13:29

I don't think anyone thinks your life would be made easier if your friend moved close to you. What would concern me, particularly if I was your friend's DH, is why you are so over-involved in her life. I think you're just concerned, but truly it sounds like you're crossing the line from concern to interference.

MorrisZapp · 24/03/2015 13:32

I feel your pain and I too have a friend who is trapped in a shit place due to her husband's job, but I have learned to back off and I think you have to too.

She isn't being forced to have three tiny kids - she'll have known the script after the first one and now she has a third on the way. If she'd truly wanted to stop at two presumably she'd have had a termination.

You can't tell other people that their husbands are rubbish. Unless you suspect actual abuse, then all you can do (like me) is be as diplomatic as you can, while 'modelling' a good relationship to give some perspective.

Any decisions or actions she may make will only come about when she realises stuff herself. Nothing you can say will make her stand up to her DH or change her mind about any big life decisions.

I must say I do feel a bit passive aggressive when I say things like 'Oh I'm going away this weekend, DP can hold the fort no problem' but what choice do I have. I can't just say 'Don't you think it's a bit shit that your husband can't look after his own kids'.

seriouslypeedoff · 24/03/2015 13:34

While you seem like you are genuinely concerned, I think you are over stepping the mark.

I wouldn't discuss moving with dhs friend. I would shut the conversation down too. The simple fact is, you may think you know everything about your friend. But you probably don't. There may be perfectly valid reasons he doesn't want to move.

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