to think my friend's DH is being completely selfish

[ScaredForMyFriend]

N/C as this might be identifiable.

Situation is:
My friend is PG and suffering from severe hyperemesis (30+times a day vomiting, in and out of hospital).
She has two children already and when this one arrives she will have 3 under 3 (so as not to drip feed, this baby is a result of contraceptive failure, they hadn't planned to have another)
She does not drive for medical reasons.
She has no support locally - I am her closest friend and I am nearly an hour away.
She is suffering from pre/post natal depression.
She lives in a tiny village with no facilities so needs to use the bus for everything.

There house is too small so they need to move and her DH is refusing to consider moving somewhere that has more facilities in walking distance for my friend. He will not even discuss it.

I am so scared for my friend dealing with all of this on her own - I have young children of my own so I can only visit her so often, I certainly cant provide the level of support she needs to help her deal with the depression. The place I have suggested they move to is an easier commute for her DH, she has everything she needs in walking distance whilst still being in a rural community plus they will be closer to us so I can be more on hand to help her out and support her.

AIBU for thinking her DH is a selfish arse for not prioritising his wife's mental health above all else?

(yes I know I should butt out of other people's business but she is such a wonderful friend and I hate seeing her so unhappy and stressed when something can be done to improve it for her and I am terrified for her and the children if her PND gets worse)

The way you are describing this sounds a bit strange. Is there really only one village in the country your friend and her DH could move to? Perhaps there are very valid reasons they can't move which they don't want to share with you - e.g. to do with the mortgage deal, such as a good rate of interest with redemption penalties up to a certain date or something. Perhaps the husband thinks you interfere in his marriage and simply said he wouldn't consider moving to X village because Y is there?

And is your friend really as helpless as you make her sound, or is she just using you as a sounding board to have a moan to? Where did this attitude that you need a husband to organise where you live and so on?

I can see you're genuinely worried and I can see why. But I don't think her dh would be being utterly selfish just about this if he was a decent bloke.

So either, he's generally pretty selfish and this is just one more manifestation of that, or there are reasons behind his refusal. Maybe he feels they've got enough on their plate at the moment without throwing moving into the mix? A third posibility is that your friend has only mentioned moving in passing rather than being clear she wants to move and why.

I haven't said anything to her DH. my friend and I have discussed it in the same way we have discussed many other logistics of having many small DC - car seats, sleeping arrangements - just usual small talk of 2 mums with small DC.

but I had my DC close together and I know how hard it is, perhaps I'm projecting a bit as I expect I would have developed PND if I hadn't had the rock solid support I had, and a DH who would do anything he could to help me out. I guess sometimes I look at my friend and see me a few years back but with a host of extra complications that I didn't have to contend with.

and she's just so lovely I cant bare the thought of her feeling so down and isolated

obviously I'm not going to 'tell' her DH to move them closer! all I am doing is discussing the options with my friend as and when she wants to.

morris thank you for your post, I understand what you're saying.

chandler no I'm sure there are many other villages that would ease her situation, her DH seems to not want to consider any option except staying put.

I haven't said anything to her DH and nor will I , I do get that it isn't my place to do so. I just want to support my friend and want everyone else to have a DH and family support as wonderful as I have

Larger house = larger council tax, larger bills etc.

Moving = credit check, deposit, moving fees.

Would it be further from his work incurring longer commute taking him away from the family for longer and costing more.

On 1 salary with 2 +1 on the way perhaps they can't afford it.

Perhaps he has to weigh up his wife's health and an actual roof over their heads.

Perhaps he is just a selfish arse.

You ABU to judge without all the facts.

Its nice you are concerned but maybe its a money issue that they cant move. 3 children are expensive. Do they not have Dial a Ride where she lives?? You can dial a local bus that will pick you up etc ? (accept i may be out of touch/this might not be everywhere).

Also. longer term it may help her depression to get more independent and learn to drive. A second hand car could be something to aim for/shouldnt break the bank too much. She could also drop him at work then keep car for day if she drives and cant afford 2nd car. She can do a big shop online if 3kids and the supermarket is a recipe for stress/too much. Surely there are local kids/mum groups? I grew up in a remote village, there is always something social for mums even if its one village along.

sizzle - they ARE moving, that isn't the question. their current house is too small, the house has been valued, the move will be happening.

she has a medical issue that stops her driving, learning is not an option.