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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to stop son seeing MIL?

52 replies

thatsthewayitgoes · 23/03/2015 13:35

So, MIL has mental and physical health problems, not serious enough for her to be committed, but definately there and change her behaviour. The last few times we have seen her, she has taken an active dislike to DS6, to the point where we are unable to leave her and him in the room on their own. When I have done in the past I've heard her say "you're a horrible little boy" etc. This weekend we went up there as she's been in hospital, to check how she was etc. I spent most of the weekend shopping, cooking, cleaning etc for her. She doesn't go out of the house, there is nothing for the kids to do there, and her house is unbelievably tiny - no space for kids to play, no garden etc. We took up toys with us, and I have to say both children (DD9 and DS6) were fantastically behaved, under the circumstances. However, DS6 likes to touch stuff - he didn't break anything but she exploded at him and told him to stop touching. He then reacts badly to her and is naughtier than usual, but he gets no positive feedback at all from her. She never speaks to him except to tell him off. This happened twice, at which point DS6 burst into tears and went upstairs. I told him I was on his side, but it was our secret (not wanting to rock the boat). However, when we went down again, she told him off for touching something that wasn't going to break. I lost it at this point and said that that is fine if those are her rules, but she has to be fair and ensure the rules extend to both children, not just DS6. She said that was the case. I pointed out DD9 was playing with said object only 15 mins beforehand, and also that she was allowed on MIL iPad - something DS6 is expressly forbidden. She then told me how badly behaved DS6 is and how she would never have let her children behave in such a way so it was obviously bad parenting (from me obv, not her precious son). I walked out at this point, to avoid screaming at her, and we then left.

DH never mentioned it on the way home, which annoyed me, but figured he didn't want to discuss in front of children, which is fine. But once they'd gone to bed, he still didn't mention it. I then brought it up, and he thinks she is sorry. However, I feel very strongly that it is bullying, and do not want DS6 put in that position when he is with his family. DD9 is also aware of the situation, and I don't want her thinking it is ok. DH agreed that we should keep MIL and DS separated, and me and him don't have to visit next time.

However, we are not now due to see her for several weeks/months, and I know he's thinking I won't carry on with this, and will "give in" and take DS. AIBU to refuse to do this? Thanks for reading this post (didn't mean for it to be quite so long!)x

OP posts:
Eternity48 · 23/03/2015 13:41

I wouldn't visit anyone who treated my children differently; MIL or DM that is wrong and horrible for your DS.

MommyBird · 23/03/2015 13:43

The 'Horrible little boy' remark would of been enough for me.
No way would I take my children to see someone who clearly has a favourite.

MildDrPepperAddiction · 23/03/2015 13:44

YANBU. She is bullying your son. I hope he's ok.

coconutpie · 23/03/2015 13:45

I would keep BOTH children away from get. She sounds horrible and your kids do not need to be subjected to that crap.

coconutpie · 23/03/2015 13:45

Typo, that should say away from HER, not away from get!

seriouslypeedoff · 23/03/2015 13:48

She has 'mental health problems' which means she can't really control this, depending on what those problems are and how severe. However I would still not let my kids go. While it could be argued she can't help it, your job is to protect your children.

Personally I wouldn't take either child. Will it upset ds6 that dd9 is accepted by her? Will he feel sad?

ClumsyNinja · 23/03/2015 13:54

Please sort this out with your DH.

Years ago, my Grandma as pretty vile to most of us grandchildren including feeding mouldy food to my young cousin and causing him to be admitted to hospital. She had her favourites who she treated really well by comparison.

Luckily, we didn't live nearby so didn't have to put up with her bad behaviour very often. My poor mum always struggled with her feelings of duty to look after elderly parents v looking out for her children.

HootyMcTooty · 23/03/2015 13:57

I wouldn't take either child.

Original poster
thatsthewayitgoes · 23/03/2015 14:00

Thanks everyone for your support. Yes DS is aware he is treated differently to DD. He isn't particularly friendly to MIL but that's coz he gets nothing positive back ever.

DH is on my side but his mother doesn't do confrontation or even discussion and he doesn't want to alienate her esp as she isn't well. Just hope I have the strength when the next visit beckons to keep DS with me (and maybe DD too). Thanks everyone xx

OP posts:
seriouslypeedoff · 23/03/2015 14:01

Your dh can still go see her

Leeds2 · 23/03/2015 14:03

I would let your DH visit his mum by himself.

Pyjamasandwine · 23/03/2015 14:05

Don't take either child until she is better. Or at least civil to them.

It's not fair on them or her is dye can't control herself.

Let your dh go and you go when u don't have the children.

This isn't healthy for any of you.

Whereisegg · 23/03/2015 14:13

I wouldn't let her see either child either.

base9 · 23/03/2015 14:20

I would keep both dc away but you and dh can visit separately to help her. As you say, she is ill and needs support. just not at the expense of your dc.

Hissy · 23/03/2015 14:31

Your DH allowed his DM to abuse and belittle his own son, in front of him? furthermore allow her to blame YOU for imaginary bad behaviour?

Your DH ought to be frothing at his own mother, let alone sitting there and not discussing it with you!

Mental health problems do not pick and choose a child to belittle, she is perfectly able to be nice to who she wants to be, and to be a vicious old bat to others.

Your H ought to be telling her that HE won't be back again, let alone taking his children and wife there.

Don't allow contact with either of your children.

Whatisaweekend · 23/03/2015 14:51

I am sorry to hear that your MIL has been unwell both physically and mentally but, as Hissy says, isn't this a bit of a red herring? I am no expert but I find it hard to believe that her illness is the cause of this appalling behaviour. She is surely just a vicious old bat who I would be keeping away from both my children.

Whatisaweekend · 23/03/2015 14:55

Sorry - I am so on board with Hissy that I have pinched "vicious old bat". Still, she's a bullying, nasty piece of work.

MinceSpy · 23/03/2015 15:05

You and DH need to protect both children. If you want MIL to treat the both equally you need to do the same, either both go or neither of them do.

Both your DC are old enough to understand in simple terms that their grandmother is mentally and physically unwell, this isn't meant to excuse her behaviour. They are also old enough to understand that they are both not to touch things when in her house.

If you do decide to visit again then make sure they understand there is to be no touching of her possessions, take some toys or books etc and keep the visit very short. If not DH can do his visiting alone.

qazxc · 23/03/2015 15:14

Yanbu. To be honest I wouldn't want either child visiting.

NeedABumChange · 23/03/2015 15:17

I read that as you having 6 sons and 9 daughters!

YANBU re mil.

Aeroflotgirl · 23/03/2015 15:42

Yanbu at all, she sounds nasty and toxic. You stay at home with the kids, and dh can go visit her.

Fairy13 · 23/03/2015 15:52

Keep both children away.

DH needs to be the one to explain to her why her behaviour has caused this.
He needs to have more of a backbone in future.

Narnia72 · 23/03/2015 16:04

My SIL has MH problems and when she's ill I keep the kids away from her as she exhibits some disturbing behaviour. However, she has never made any of the 3 children her favourite or bullied any of the others. I would be very reluctant to lump her behaviour under the MH umbrella - it sounds as though the 2 issues are completely separate.

And even if it is MH related, it's not ok to expose the kids to it on either side.

FWIW I grew up as the excluded one with my grandma - my cousins were always the favourites and anything I did, said or achieved went unremarked. I hated her, and when I was about 11 refused to visit her any more. Now as an adult I realise there were reasons for her behaviour and we do now have a better relationship (she's 94!) but it had a lasting impact. My parents never forced me to go as they were very aware of it too.

Inertia · 23/03/2015 16:11

Keep both children away from her.

Fingeronthebutton · 23/03/2015 16:17

Don't give it another thought. KEEP YOUR CHILDREN AWAY FROM HER.