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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to stop son seeing MIL?

52 replies

thatsthewayitgoes · 23/03/2015 13:35

So, MIL has mental and physical health problems, not serious enough for her to be committed, but definately there and change her behaviour. The last few times we have seen her, she has taken an active dislike to DS6, to the point where we are unable to leave her and him in the room on their own. When I have done in the past I've heard her say "you're a horrible little boy" etc. This weekend we went up there as she's been in hospital, to check how she was etc. I spent most of the weekend shopping, cooking, cleaning etc for her. She doesn't go out of the house, there is nothing for the kids to do there, and her house is unbelievably tiny - no space for kids to play, no garden etc. We took up toys with us, and I have to say both children (DD9 and DS6) were fantastically behaved, under the circumstances. However, DS6 likes to touch stuff - he didn't break anything but she exploded at him and told him to stop touching. He then reacts badly to her and is naughtier than usual, but he gets no positive feedback at all from her. She never speaks to him except to tell him off. This happened twice, at which point DS6 burst into tears and went upstairs. I told him I was on his side, but it was our secret (not wanting to rock the boat). However, when we went down again, she told him off for touching something that wasn't going to break. I lost it at this point and said that that is fine if those are her rules, but she has to be fair and ensure the rules extend to both children, not just DS6. She said that was the case. I pointed out DD9 was playing with said object only 15 mins beforehand, and also that she was allowed on MIL iPad - something DS6 is expressly forbidden. She then told me how badly behaved DS6 is and how she would never have let her children behave in such a way so it was obviously bad parenting (from me obv, not her precious son). I walked out at this point, to avoid screaming at her, and we then left.

DH never mentioned it on the way home, which annoyed me, but figured he didn't want to discuss in front of children, which is fine. But once they'd gone to bed, he still didn't mention it. I then brought it up, and he thinks she is sorry. However, I feel very strongly that it is bullying, and do not want DS6 put in that position when he is with his family. DD9 is also aware of the situation, and I don't want her thinking it is ok. DH agreed that we should keep MIL and DS separated, and me and him don't have to visit next time.

However, we are not now due to see her for several weeks/months, and I know he's thinking I won't carry on with this, and will "give in" and take DS. AIBU to refuse to do this? Thanks for reading this post (didn't mean for it to be quite so long!)x

OP posts:
DawnOfTheDoggers · 23/03/2015 16:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
thatsthewayitgoes · 23/03/2015 17:02

Thanks everyone for your support. Helps to know MNetters agree with me. You are right about keeping both kids away from her.

I only mentioned the MH issues as I thought it may be related. But think you're probably right - she is a vicious old bitch.

Just galls me - the amount of effort I've put in to helping her recently Confused

OP posts:
lastuseraccount123 · 23/03/2015 17:08

YANBU.

My nana had favourites. I was her favourite, along with my brothers; our youngest sister was variously described by her as a liar, untrustworthy, etc. etc.

At the time as a child I didn't really twig though I knew my little sister didn't like her. Years later i realise how horrible it must have been for her, esp. as the littlest, and it helped cause divisions between us as siblings. I think you know you are in the right here. Agree with the PPs who suggest your DH should visit her by himself. Honestly? Her mental issues really aren't your kids' responsibility or problem - they are far too young.

Floisme · 23/03/2015 17:09

Yes to keeping your kids away.

Disappointing to see 'vicious old bitch/bat' comments again.

seriouslypeedoff · 23/03/2015 17:10

She may be just a vicious old bitch, but without knowing her mental health history (not expecting you to share) its difficult to judge. my grandfather, for example, has taken a dislike to one particular cousin since mh issues have got worse. They usually get on well. But last 3 months he won't have my cousin in his house. No ones knows why. Sometimes mh problems can cause this. But whether she is a bitch or not. Keeping them away is the best thing really. Flowers

MommyBird · 23/03/2015 17:13

If it was the mental health problems causing it, why can she control it with your DD and not your DS? Hmm

Furyfowler · 23/03/2015 17:28

How many children do you have op?

ahbollocks · 23/03/2015 17:29

If she has these mental health problems and your son is a trigger for her then it would be kinder to both parties to seperate them.

SpringTown46 · 23/03/2015 17:31

You need to protect BOTH children.

Aeroflotgirl · 23/03/2015 17:38

Op has 2 kids, dd who is 9 and ds who is 6, not 9 dd and 6 ds, blimey she would have her work cut out Shock

Aeroflotgirl · 23/03/2015 17:39

Yes her MH problems are not your kids responsibility, she does sound extremely vicious and poisonous.

MerdeAlor · 23/03/2015 18:06

If I'd just come out of hospital the last thing I'd want is family visiting with two kids under 10 in a confined space.
Did you consider that it caused her extra stress, rather than relieving it OP?

MerdeAlor · 23/03/2015 18:07

And yes the vicious old bitch is an uncharitable comment OP.

BlackeyedSusan · 23/03/2015 18:10

I would keep both children away and I would cease to do stuff for her. your h can do the running around and anything that needs doing.

Original poster
thatsthewayitgoes · 23/03/2015 18:32

Merde - she asked us to go up as she was lonely - she has no friends at all.

We can't go up just for an hr as she lives about 2.5hrs away.

She doesn't have a diagnosed MH issue but has been under investigation in hospital recently for confusion - they don't know why.

Wouldn't mind if her stuff was remotely precious but it was mainly a load of old tat ConfusedConfusedConfused

OP posts:
Original poster
thatsthewayitgoes · 23/03/2015 18:33

Apols for the "vicious old bitch" comment - just very frustrated and upset.

OP posts:
Floisme · 23/03/2015 18:34

I can understand that, op Flowers

Hissy · 23/03/2015 18:43

Yeah, I too apologise.

To bats.

And for the word old. Age is no excuse to be cruel to children.

This mil IS being vicious though. To ONE child. And super sweet to another.

That dynamic does real harm and is so obvious a 6yo boy can spot it.

My 9yo is oblivious to most things, so just imagine how nasty this supposed grandmother is being.

MistressDeeCee · 23/03/2015 18:51

Horrible situation. As parents we have to stand up for our DCs don't let anyone upset or traumatise them so yes, you would be right to keep your DS away from this unkind woman. Too often people think being family gives them a free pass to display nasty behaviour. I bet she can control her behaviour with who and when she wants to, though. Leave her to stew, your DS doesn't need her nonsense in his life and I hope your DH understands that

Floisme · 23/03/2015 18:52

I agree with all of that Hissy. Viciousness is ageless.

AlternativeTentacles · 23/03/2015 18:53

I can't believe that you say it was your little secret for supporting your son.

MrsDiesel · 23/03/2015 19:02

I would definitely refuse to go at all with either child.
I did the same with my own mil, I haven't seen her in two years and couldn't be happier. She favoured ds and hated my other children her step grandchildren so none of them went. Now exdp takes ds when he is with him but I can't do anything about that unfortunately.

Marmiteandjamislush · 23/03/2015 19:04

I am going to be the voice of dissent here. I think YABU, actually. It doesn't matter if the things your DS was touching were breakable, they were not his to touch and his grandmother had every right to tell him not to do so. You say DS 6, do you mean that he is one of 6, or that he is 6 yo? If the latter, he is far too old to go around randomly touching things IMHO. I have a relative with Autism, not an MH issue I know, but it can cause her to feel anxious if people touch or move her things, consequently she can be quite vicious if this happens. Perhaps your MIL feels the same, try a little compassion OP.

NynaevesSister · 23/03/2015 20:00

Marmite, these were items that the daughter had touched without being told off. Normally I agree - your house, your rules. But to have one set of rules for the daughter and one set for the son is just beyond awful. I am astounded that you think that the OP is the one lacking compassion. She cleaned, cooked and did lots more, she tried to just accept her MiL's awful behaviour to a six year old child. Just WHERE has she lacked compassion? By not continuing to allow her son to be treated visiously by her? Where is YOUR compassion for the small child whose self esteem and self confidence is being shredded by this woman?

Marmiteandjamislush · 23/03/2015 21:39

6 yo is old enough to know not to touch when asked. People with MH issues and other ANs can find some people more stressful than others, which may explain her different reactions to different children. In asking OP to show compassion, I didn't mean to imply that she was not compassionate, helpful to MIL in general, I was simply meaning with regards to her reaction to this specific behaviour from MIL. It's what I tell myself in regards to my own relative, who incidentally finds my youngest DS, just 4, far more irritating he is chaotic in his manner and play, than the eldest, just 6. She is 17, and so 'should react to my DS1 as a child' but she is unable to do so. Perhaps it is the same for OP's MIL, I don't know. BTW I fully support OP's decision not to take her children to MIL, but I can't agree with her and many posters' on this thread condemnation of a woman with ANs. Especially, when the child in question is old enough to be told not to do something, if a child is repeatedly told no, and they continue to do something, they should expect a ticking off.

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