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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to have DDs birthday party when DSD isn't here?

47 replies

AlmondAmy · 23/03/2015 12:47

DD and DSD are 7/8 and mostly get along great. However, DSD is quite spoilt/temperamental and in the past has spoilt birthdays for DD. For example - she's opened all her presents, she's demanded to be taken home during a birthday trip to the zoo, she's purposely been mean to/ignored DD at her party and tried to encourage DDs best friend to do the same. This year, I'm thinking of planning DDs birthday party for a weekend when DSD isn't here to avoid the same happening again. It's a friend party rather than a family one but AIBU to plan it without DSD there?

OP posts:
teeththief · 23/03/2015 12:49

I think YABU. I imagine she's jealous that your DD gets to live with her dad while she doesn't? I'd try to deal with that before excluding her even more.

I can see why you're frustrated though

millyv · 23/03/2015 12:49

I would definitely do that!
You could use the cover of we are having two - one for friends and a special tea party with family that way DSD is still included but can't spoil the main event?
Good Luck!

Fleecyleesy · 23/03/2015 12:51

Yes you'll need to have 2 parties. A "school friends" party and a family party.

londonrach · 23/03/2015 12:52

Two parties maybe

millyv · 23/03/2015 12:52

Also I should point out I'm involved in a family with step children (of which I get on very well with). I don't think its necessarily excluding if you have one for friends and one for family.

Purplepoodle · 23/03/2015 12:53

That's a bit mean, what does her dad say? Her dad needs to take control of her behaviour. I she starts acting up then u both need a plan to discipline dsd, like her dad removing her from the party.

Only1scoop · 23/03/2015 12:54

I think she should be invited but her dad should have a chat about her previous behaviour linked with parties.

teeththief · 23/03/2015 12:55

There's no way I'd let either of my children have a party without their (full) sister/brother at that age. I don't see how it's different for a step sibling?

Chippednailvarnish · 23/03/2015 12:56

But Purple why should the party have to be disrupted to deal with DSD? If she won't behave, address it away from the party and have two separate ones.

nocabbageinmyeye · 23/03/2015 12:59

Separate parties, those saying its a bit mean on the dsd, what about op's dd? She has ruined it a few times and she's old enough to know what she is doing. There may be reasons behind but they aren't your dd's concern. I'd do the same for a full sibling too for what its worth, if you can't behave you don't join in the fun

MrsFlannel · 23/03/2015 13:02

I don't think yabu. As for what teeth says that's silly! My DDs don't always attend one another's parties! For one thing they're VERY different and DD1 hates the things DD2 enjoys a lot of the time and so on...so yanbu. Have a family party when DSD is there too.

millyv · 23/03/2015 13:02

I agree with nocabbageinmyeye children who don't behave don't go to parties regardless of their relationship status! But then I'm the bad cop parent....

NeedABumChange · 23/03/2015 13:03

YANBU in that situation even if they were full sisters I'd be thinking of leaving her out. It's your DDs one day that should be about her. You should be enjoying it not spend the day placating an attention seeking sibling.

MrsFlannel · 23/03/2015 13:05

Bum that's right. I would not let my DDs spoil one another's parties.

Original poster
AlmondAmy · 23/03/2015 13:07

Yes - a second family celebration is what I was thinking.

It's not DDs fault that DSD doesn't live here so I don't see why she should suffer for it teeththief. Besides, she isn't bothered the rest of the year. Thr fact it's only birthdays makes me think it's attention and presents she's more jealous of. DD even planned her party to a theme of DSDs choosing last year, that she had no interest in herself, and at the last minute DSD decided not to go.

OP posts:
MrTumblesBavarianFanbase · 23/03/2015 13:08

My kids don't always go to each others friend parties, and they are full siblings. DD had a climbing party one year and ds 1 doesn't like heights and DS2 was below the age/ height limit (though he climbs like a monkey). Since that party I've always let them choose whether to "invite" their siblings or not - it's the birthday child's party not their siblings' and it works both ways obviously! I don't see why my DD should have her brothers at her sleepover or ds1's bossy big sister should "organise" his friends at his bowling party... unless they choose to invite each other.

We do separate friends and family parties because grandparents and kids parties tend not to mix well - especially my parents (DF doesn't like unrelated kids much and DM doesn't speak the language of my kids' friends and spent the one party she did "help" at loudly insisting children understand whatever language you speak to them in and confusing and embarrasing 5 year olds by speaking to them at length in English...)

I see no reason at all not to do DD'S friend party without SDD and do a separate family party which does include SDD - in fact that is what I would do. Each child deserves to be the special one day a year without competing with the other.

MrsFlannel · 23/03/2015 13:09

Does DSD's Mum plan nice parties for her OP?

Aeroflotgirl · 23/03/2015 13:11

You are entirely right, it is your dd special day and attention should be on her, not dad and her behaviour. If this was a chikd at school, yiu would not invite them. Have a small family tea or meal, and leave dd to have her friends party when dsd is not there.

MaryWestmacott · 23/03/2015 13:13

YANBU - "friends/class" party on a day DSD isn't there, then family tea with cake and candles when she is. Hopefully this is something DSD will outgrow.

DixieNormas · 23/03/2015 13:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BathtimeFunkster · 23/03/2015 13:17

These children are only in each other's lives because their parents got married.

Far from being "full" siblings, they are step siblings.

I don't think a 7 year old child should be forced to have another child spoiling her parties forevermore just because of the relationship between their parents.

Original poster
AlmondAmy · 23/03/2015 13:22

Yes, MrsFlannel, she always has elaborate celebrations at home and I always plan a party for her here, too.

OP posts:
DeeWe · 23/03/2015 13:23

My children don't always go to their siblings parties. As they've got older they've preferred smaller parties on a day trip. I have 3 dc, and 1 car. So if they all went, then birthday child could only invite 1 friend. They have never had an issue with this at all.

If she's spoiling the parties (and I do think being a sibling of the birthday child is actually quite a hard role, I've seen several times siblings being brats-usually totally out of character-at parties) then I would just arrange it at a different time when she's not there.

Mrsjayy · 23/03/2015 13:27

It must be difficult for your step daughter if the party is on her weekend with her dad i know the girls get on ok but they are only little and her acting out is her seeking attention as any attention is good attention so spoiling the birthday is her getting her dad's attention and she doesn't understand yet how life all works and you are all unhappy which is a shame. Have your dd birthday separate for school friends your dsd Will probably be hurt and feel left out i don't think you have an option

AliceMcGee · 23/03/2015 13:29

It must be a bit uncomfortable for your DSD because she won't know anyone apart from her step sister.that is probably the reason she kicks off.
So I think YANBU but I think it needs to be talked through with your DH first