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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to have DDs birthday party when DSD isn't here?

47 replies

AlmondAmy · 23/03/2015 12:47

DD and DSD are 7/8 and mostly get along great. However, DSD is quite spoilt/temperamental and in the past has spoilt birthdays for DD. For example - she's opened all her presents, she's demanded to be taken home during a birthday trip to the zoo, she's purposely been mean to/ignored DD at her party and tried to encourage DDs best friend to do the same. This year, I'm thinking of planning DDs birthday party for a weekend when DSD isn't here to avoid the same happening again. It's a friend party rather than a family one but AIBU to plan it without DSD there?

OP posts:

Mrsjayy · 23/03/2015 13:29

It must be difficult for your step daughter if the party is on her weekend with her dad i know the girls get on ok but they are only little and her acting out is her seeking attention as any attention is good attention so spoiling the birthday is her getting her dad's attention and she doesn't understand yet how life all works and you are all unhappy which is a shame. Have your dd birthday separate for school friends your dsd Will probably be hurt and feel left out i don't think you have an option

Original poster

AlmondAmy · 23/03/2015 13:31

Thats not the case Alice, DD has friendsover at the weekend so DSD can make some local friends too.

OP posts:

butterfly2015 · 23/03/2015 13:33

I did this last year I'm afraid. On my kids birthdays we generally have a day out, sometimes with friends in tow and the birthday child chooses where to eat. Four birthdays have been wrecked by tantrums from dsd insisting her dad takes her somewhere else because she doesn't like burger king/kfc and wants mcdonalds/chippy. On dsds birthday she chose kfc. The one she didn't like a few months previously. Seriously pissed me off. I bloody hate kfc but will shut up and eat it if that's the kids choice.

So last year both my kids birthdays were arranged on days we didn't have her. On top of the food thing, my youngest wanted to take friends so we did that.

Dsd had a sleepover at her mum's with friends (my kids are never invited over) and I organised a day out for her with loads of friends which she really enjoyed.

I think it's best to keep the birthday child happy and if that means one of the others isn't invited or has to eat bloody kfc then tough! And for me that goes for all the kids we have between us, four girls.

olbas · 23/03/2015 13:37

Even my twins dont invite each other to their Birthday Parties, so I don't see the problem. I hope your dd has a lovley day.

keepsmiling2015 · 23/03/2015 13:38

Yabu. She's only 7 or 8 that's still so young. You sound like you have a real problem with her, she's only a child and she's probably (naturally) jealous of your dd.

If it was another daughter, your daughter, and not a step daughter would you leave her out if she did the above. I imagine not.

crazykat · 23/03/2015 13:39

Yanbu. Why should your dd have her party ruined? While it's not your dsd's fault that she doesn't see her dad everyday but it's not your dd's fault either, this is often the excuse some give for step siblings behaving in a way that full siblings would be in big trouble for.

We've had similar from dsd before when it was our dcs party, dsd would misbehave until she was told her birthday day out would be cancelled if she didn't behave pdq. She hated not being the centre of attention for even a minute, in her case it wasn't our dcs seeing dh more than her as dh worked away mon-fri and picked dsd up on his way home every week and she'd go home Sunday afternoon so our dcs only saw dh for about 4 hours more than dsd. Some children don't like being the centre of attention whether they're in a step family or not.

In your position I'd have a school friends party for your dd when dsd isn't there and a family tea party with cake and candles when she is.

ILovedYouYesterday · 23/03/2015 13:42

I would definitely plan a friends party one weekend and then do a day out the following weekend for both girls, don't make a big deal of it to the girls (to hopefully ensure DSD doesn't act up) but, if anyone asks why DSD wasn't included in the first party, you can say the day out was a family celebration.

MythicalKings · 23/03/2015 13:44

YANBU. She's set out to deliberately spoil the day several times.

A family party with her sounds much the best idea so she can't spoil DS's day again.

Morelikeguidelines · 23/03/2015 13:45

Dd has a school "friend " who did quite a lot to ruin her party and says quite nasty things to her at school.

Have noticed this little girl was not given her own party and have since found out that her home life is not easy (nice mum but dad apparently left for another country with another woman and money is tight).

Little girl is clearly jealous of dd and their other best friend and for good reason. I find it easy to imagine how she must feel although course my first instinct is to protect dd.

Not sure how much this helps but I wondered if you were in something of the same situation? But with a sister rather than a friend.

MythicalKings · 23/03/2015 13:45

*DD's

needaholidaynow · 23/03/2015 13:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Stealthsquiggle · 23/03/2015 13:53

School friends party "needs" (for reasons you don't need to specify) to be on a weekend when DSD happens not to be there. No problem, she wouldn't know anyone anyway, nice family tea on next closest visit. Not an issue IMO.

needaholidaynow · 23/03/2015 13:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

N0RMABATES · 23/03/2015 13:57

Yanbu
Siblings, regardless if they are blood related or by marriage don't always have to attend each other's parties. It's not the law.

MinceSpy · 23/03/2015 14:55

Presumably DSD has her birthday celebrations with her mum and then with her dad (or other way round) so is familiar with the two treats scenario.

She's pushing boundaries which is perfectly normal but this behaviour shouldn't always impact on other children in the blended family.

Let DD have her friends party and then when DSD is with you have a family party or outing. Maybe just hold back one gift to be opened by DD and have a token gift for DSD as well.

Pyjamasandwine · 23/03/2015 15:02

Think that's fine.

My 4 year old dds parties weren't up to much according to her teen brothers!

The party is about the birthday child and no other bugger.

Have a family party or meal separately.

You will when try get older anyway as siblings have different interests and friends.

5madthings · 23/03/2015 15:08

I think it's fine for siblings to not attend each others parties.

I have five and we often arrange for the others to be elsewhere whilst bday child has their party and then we have a birthday tea for family/siblings another day.

Mrsjayy · 23/03/2015 15:39

My dds had bowling parties and cinema trips for their birthdays they didn't go to each others friend parties it's not a big deal imo

wheresthelight · 23/03/2015 16:37

perfectly acceptable imo. dsd will obviously have two parties so why shouldn't thr op's daughter?

if dsd is going to be a brat then it's hardly fair on your dd to have her party ruined. and for those asking if my dsd and dd were full siblings instead of half and either played up the way the op describes they wouldn't be going to ANY parties let alone each others

binspin · 23/03/2015 16:41

At that age I'd be wondering why the dsd can't behave appropriately.
What does her dad say?

Sethspeaks · 23/03/2015 17:10

The behaviour issues aside - and it sounds like that does need to be addressed - friends party when she is with her mum, and family party when she is with you absolutely ok.

WildFlowersAttractBees · 23/03/2015 17:14

Yanbu is your DD your DH's stepdaughter?

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