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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to consider a sahd arrangement

44 replies

lemonade30 · 22/03/2015 14:29

is it unreasonable for me to set up home with my OH and for me to work full time whilst he stays at home to care for DD (9 months) and two Ds's (8 and 6).
We will be in receipt of Â£192 child benefit and Â£240 CTC per month as well as my wage.

It has been suggested to me that it would perhaps be morally reprehensible for my OH not to work until DD starts full time school.
I'm not sure that I agree with this and I'd welcome your opinions.

OP posts:

Littlemonstersrule · 22/03/2015 14:39

It's a waste of education if not bothering to work, years out of the work place damage career prospects. There's another thread running where a uni student isn't planning on working over the summer holidays and those that employ graduates are stating they would take work experience over qualifications.

The benefit angle adds another dimension, it is very lazy to take state help when perfectly able to work. It should never be an option. The choice not to work should be self funded.

Making oneself reliant on another person is a very dangerous thing to do, if things go wrong it's that person who is left in the lurch courtesy of their decision to not work.

WorraLiberty · 22/03/2015 14:41

What muppet suggested being a stay at home parent is 'morally reprehensible'?

Probably the same sort of muppet who in another breath, talks about working parents 'farming their babies out'....

Just do what suits you and yours.

MrsTerryPratchett · 22/03/2015 14:42

Sauce for the goose and all that. Is is the SAH part people think is reprehensible or the D part?

cailindana · 22/03/2015 14:47

"Morally reprehensible"? What sort of idiots do you hang out with?

Paintedpinksapphires · 22/03/2015 14:47

Little plenty if people get CTC and child benefit even though both partners work - it's hardly " living on benefits" if the OP works is it?

OP I know several families who have a SAHD arrangement for one reason or another. It seems to work just as well as a SAHM arrangement. It cannot conceive how it is 'morally reprehensible'.

One point to consider is that SAHD sometimes find it more socially isolating than SAHMs as there are less men in this position and they don't always get included so readily in the SAHMs coffee dates. The SAHDs I know counter this by having an active social life through a hobby or volunteer work.

Original poster

lemonade30 · 22/03/2015 14:47

apparently its because he's been to uni and won't be repaying his student debt for the next four years.
And because to compound this we'd be receiving CB and CTC.
and he's making himself reliant on me.

I suspect his gender does inform these views if I'm perfectly candid.

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 22/03/2015 14:52

Interestingly this person hasn't commented on what might be best for the children, OP so I really would ignore.

You and your DP are better placed to know what's best for your family.

Original poster

lemonade30 · 22/03/2015 15:05

good point sapphires. This would worry about his satisfaction long term. I have friends who are sahm and they have told me that its relentless/monotonous and I can well imagine they're correct.

worra I'd much prefer my children to be looked after by their dad/stepdad at home rather than after school clubs and nursery. I'm sure that the benefit to my children supersedes the detriment to his career prospects. surely as parents we sacrifice for our children's benefit?

OP posts:

splendide · 22/03/2015 15:05

My husband is going to be a SAHD from October when I go back to work after my year of maternity leave. Hopefully it'll work out ok!

PinPon · 22/03/2015 15:11

If you can afford it, and you're both genuinely happy with the arrangement, I'm not sure what the issue is. Does your partner feel that he has enough of a support network to keep him sane while he's out of the workforce? Are you comfortable taking on the role of financing your family single handedly? If you're both happy with the plan then go for it!

Nolim · 22/03/2015 15:14

Morally reprehensible??? Seriously???
I dont see why looking after a child could be morally reprehensible and afaik this is the 21 century.
If both of you are on board then go for it.

SquinkiesRule · 22/03/2015 15:17

My Dh is the stay at home one now and I am working full time. Works well for us, don't see what is morally reprehensible about it. Unless the person who said it is well in their 90's and thinks that kids/housekeeping and babes are womens work. When Dd gets to year 7 he will probably go back part time and still be available for her.

nippey · 22/03/2015 15:17

My husband will be the stay at home parent to ourpuff due in June. I will go back to work at the beginning of October. He is excited and so happy to get the chance to spend that time with her, and no one has said anything unsupportive about it. Your friends are being unreasonable not you.

nippey · 22/03/2015 15:18

Opps thats our pfb not ourpuff!

AGirlCalledBoB · 22/03/2015 15:20

My oh will be a sahd later this year.

I earn more than him and once we pay out childcare costs (£900 per month!) it really does not make sense for him to work for the £100 he will bring home, certainly not full time. He will do a couple of hours a week but that is more to keep in employment rather than for the money, it won't be much he will be bringing home.

I see nothing wrong with sahd, I wish more men would be able to do it, if only so my oh is not the only man at the toddler groups!

GunShotResidue · 22/03/2015 15:21

If him being a SAHD works for your family then do it, it's no more 'morally reprehensible' than a mum being a SAHP.

I am finishing my OU degree this year but, for various reasons, the best thing for my family is for me to be a SAHM for the next few years. I'm doing courses (legal secretary etc, £20ish from wowcher) to keep my brain ticking over and (hopefully) help my employability when I do go back to work. We only get CB, and I am mostly reliant on DH but I have a financial plan should anything go wrong/happen to him.

The only thing I would say is, similar to if it was the other way round, there is less protection for a SAHP if they're not married.

FuckItBucket · 22/03/2015 15:22

My stepdad is a stay at home dad.

If it was the mum staying home nothing would be said.

If you are both happy to do it then go for it

Original poster

lemonade30 · 22/03/2015 15:52

thanks for your replies. I really feel that it will work out well for us. especially with prohibitively expensive child care fees.

yes I'd agree that I don't think our proposed set up would have caused a hair to turn would have have been the sahp, completely irrespective of entitlement to tax credits.

OP posts:

Original poster

lemonade30 · 22/03/2015 15:54

would I have been the sahp....

damn autocorrect

OP posts:

iwishicouldsing · 22/03/2015 15:58

I think your OH is doing a great thing for your DCs.

demystified · 22/03/2015 17:03

I'm a SAHD, I feel very lucky to get the opportunity to spend so much time with my son. It makes sense for our situation and it sounds like it does for you as well.

miniavenger · 22/03/2015 17:17

You have to what's best for you and yours OP. Your OH may or may not have been able to pay back a loan right away anyway, you have to earn over a certain amount to do so.

I think it's morally reprehensible to make someone feel bad about their choices.

Hoppinggreen · 22/03/2015 17:20

To me the gender is irrelevant but I do believe that when the youngest starts school both parents should work if they are able to rather than rely on benefits.
If your youngest is only 9 months then I don't see the problem in either parent looking after them full time.

expatinscotland · 22/03/2015 17:22

Becoming a stay at home parent when you are not married makes that person very vulnerable financially. I'd never do it unless I were married or had similar legal protection in place.

Original poster

lemonade30 · 22/03/2015 18:07

well vulnerable I see what you're saying there but I'm not a massive twat and he doesn't need to worry about me taking advantage of the situation to his detriment.

I value the sacrifice he'd be making far too much, plus I wouldn't set such an abhorrent example to my children. I want them to grow up to appreciate the value of a person's time, not their bank balance.

OP posts:

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