to consider a sahd arrangement

[lemonade30]

is it unreasonable for me to set up home with my OH and for me to work full time whilst he stays at home to care for DD (9 months) and two Ds's (8 and 6).
We will be in receipt of £192 child benefit and £240 CTC per month as well as my wage.

It has been suggested to me that it would perhaps be morally reprehensible for my OH not to work until DD starts full time school.
I'm not sure that I agree with this and I'd welcome your opinions.

If I could give another angle to it. DH's DF gave up work and was a SAHD for most of his childhood. I constantly find that DH lacks motivation and seems to think the role of women is to financially provide for the man they are in a relationship with. I sometimes cannot believe the sort of things he comes out with. He's unambitious and unmotivated at work and in his career generally, although bright. His brother is even worse.

His father comes out with things like "you need to look after him (my DH) and seems obsessed with whether I'm working full time or not and how much I earn. I find DH not that well brought up actually, in terms of manners and certain attitudes towards money. He does seem to lack a strong male role model in his life, in terms of one that actually went out and did interesting things and was motivated. Lets just say that certain things that should be there, that should have been put there when he was a child in terms of attitude, seem to be missing.

In their case, it was partially financed by inheritance and pension, but nevertheless he gave up work when the children were primary school age and never worked again.

I can't think it was very good for FIL either, as he seems to have sat round the house for the past 20 years. They didn't even go on family holidays together, as FIL would stay at home.

I'm not going to go into what if roles were reversed. I'll leave that for other posters.

I think the major difference between our predicament and your DHs DF is that my OH intends to work once our DD is in full time education.

I didn't mean to imply that his decision to sahp is a permanent one.

However I also don't believe that people of either gender need work for pay outside of the home in order to be deemed either motivated or interesting.

your DH's DF sounds insipid. I doubt it's wholly attributable to his lack of paid employment. Most character traits are more multifactorial than that.
Don't you think?

I have been a SAHD for 11 years, since DD was born. DS is now 9. Nothing wrong with looking after your kids yourself, particularly when they are pre-school, and there's no reason a dad can't do it as well as a mum.

In our situation we are able to do it as my DW has a good job - we don't claim any benefits except for CB, we don't rely on the state or wider family for support. It's not megabucks (we are not higher threshold tax payers), but it's enough for us. For us it was a conscious decision for me to take on the role, and we found when the children started primary school that we wanted to have one of us there to drop them off, collect them, take them to after school activities, etc. And DWs job is quite stressful, so I enjoy being able to run the home to make it a good place to come back to after a mad day at work.

Career wise it has pretty much wiped out what I was doing before, but I have compensated by running a small business from home which can be done while working around the family. I also have a very part-time job, which lets me do admin work, again at home and fitted around family commitments. You might say this is a waste of my education (3 degrees), but my education was more about forming me as a person, not just training me to earn cash. And I don't have any student debts - in fact DW and I don't have any debts, we have been very careful and sensible over the years.

So to answer the OP, no reason why someone can't be a SAHD, just as there is no reason why someone can't be a SAHM - there is very little difference between the two. Your OH needs to be clear about what effect it will have on his career, and how that can be managed in the long run. He also needs to be honest about how he would cope with the role - being a SAHP can be isolating, being a bloke in the role can be a bit more so (like, being the only chap at a toddler group). But it's not impossible, and I have found it very rewarding. Because society assumes that if anyone is going to look after kids it will be the mum, I view my parenting role as a real privilege, not something I am stuck with as a default position. But that is because we have been able to make a conscious decision about it, and DW and I are very close and supportive of each other in the different roles we play.

I remember your other thread and most peoples issues were that you were not going to inform the CTC people of your chance in living circumstances - I've not read it since it started but most people were discussing that over him being a SAHD (apologies if it's digressed since then).

My DH will take parental leave if we have a DC2 but aside from that, both working is better for us as individuals considering long term career prospects.

I can't see me and DH ever splitting up but if that happened as adults it's good we both have good earning potential, again, if one of us was suddenly sick, it's good we aren't reliant on one career. It spreads the risks in life.

Nothing wrong with being a SAHP, there are benefits, just I personally prefer us both to be equals in contributing and to share that example with my DD. I saw how my DM struggled when my DF died young and she had been a SAHP for years.

If it suits you in the short term. But I think only for married couples. No use in one person being a SAHP when they are not married. Too insecure. And not that secure even if people are married.

Salty, that's how I see it too. A backup plan should things go wrong be it redundancy or worse.

Seeing both parents work and sharing the child rearing and house things is far better for children. It shows that can do it all and neither sex has to follow the stereotyping that is still rife in that males work and females don't.

I'm not a massive twat and he doesn't need to worry about me taking advantage of the situation to his detriment.

It's not just if you leave him though. God forbid, but if DH was to die I would be able to claim some of his pension, as I've had less of a chance to build one up, etc. Although if you had a decent life insurance policy it might be ok.

seabird I did mention on the previous thread that as it was pointed out that it's a legal requirement to inform TC if you move in with a partner even if they don't earn an income I will be doing so as soon as we move in together .

HH you sound very fulfilled in your sahp role. Thanks for sharing your experiences.

is marriage really a prerequisite of sahp for the majority of people? I'm not disbelieving you but I haven't heard that particular argument before vivienne.

good point gunshot. I have life insurance but the beneficiaries are my DC so I'd have to amend that.

OP However I also don't believe that people of either gender need work for pay outside of the home in order to be deemed either motivated or interesting.

I agree; he could have done a sport or a hobby or in fact anything to get him Outside The House, or even a hobby inside the house!

your DH's DF sounds insipid. I doubt it's wholly attributable to his lack of paid employment. Most character traits are more multifactorial than that.
Don't you think?

He is (insipid), yes, I think so. I have no idea - theres no one in my family like him, and I'm pretty sure most of my friends wouldn't put up with someone behaving like that either. Its kind of chicken and egg - what came first with him, the lack of motivation or the lack of job? I'm not all that interested in him, what I do see though are strange attitudes to work, career advancement and paying for things that seem mirrored in my DH.

I'm sorry your DH'S father has had a negative impact on his attitudes chandler.
Thanks for sharing your perspective.

I think the father can take half the maternity leave and receive the remainder of statory maternity pay whilst keeping his job open I think till the 1 year mark as you dc turns 1 and as you would have - def check it out as it may give you Dh a safety net while he tries it out and sees if he is happy as sahp - if neither of you want the sahp role then you can investigate childcare and full or part time arrangements - eg Dh on return from paternity/maternity can ask for reduced hours just as you can - I say if you can both test drive it you can work out what you both want to do - it's hard to know what you'll want when the time comes so keep options open for as long as possible imo.

It is wise to marry before making yourself financially independent on someone - especially as the arrangement means that one persons career and opportunities rise while the sahp erodes their cv with each year along with their salary range, valid industry experience etc - 7 years later the relationship sours and the sahp is left looking for a basic job that fits in with dc and no claim on assets etc - being married creates legal entitlement and the divorce will take in to account the sahp role in supporting the other with their career and family.

I've never understood the argument that a SAHP is wasting their uni education. I wonder whether my two Bachelors degrees were better put to use during my years as an administrative assistant and call centre supervisor, or in guiding the next generation to becoming a valuable member of society? Which of these applications of my education was a bigger waste? I do wonder.

My husband did it but he did have a trade to go back to once he started work again. Is your husbands degree skill specific or a more general one?

DP was quite keen to be a SAHD, unfortunately he earns alit more than I do for now, so financially we couldn't do it. If it works for you, it works. Good luck

Ooooh morally reprehensible. I like the sound of that.

Our plan was for me to be SAHD while DW worked. Didn't actually come to fruition as DW lost her job so we shared SAHP and worked from home.

yes I believe in education for its own sake. I have a BA in philosophy. hardly applicable to retail but my goodness it was an interesting and elucidating undertaking nonetheless.

my OH has a degree in french. I'm sure it will still be valuable in 2018.

My DH was SAHP for a number of years. We made this change when DC3 was born. It was absolutely great for the DCs. It was great for us as a family. Like HouseHubs DH took his role as making the home a good place to be.

It certainly worked for us.