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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Me or Him (Im getting so confused)

27 replies

MrsBennington · 21/03/2015 23:35

So just wondering as I am so confused now...

DH was helping me with getting my preferred screens on PC (depending on how I log in sometimes it's one version sometimes the next)

After about 10 minutes of huffing and puffings I get "you will just have to get used to the new version sweetheart"

I reply " I don't want to get used to this version I want to know how to get it how I want it"

Apparently I was "aggressive" so he stormed to bed refusing to discuss it as I had "attacked" him,

I queried when he told I had been aggressive in my reply that I didn't want the old version and asked him to tell me what I had said that was offensive (he couldn't /didn't) but apparently my tone was aggressive (it wasn't but I apologised anyway and said sorry if you thought that was what I meant.

But I also said I found his comments were just as aggressive as his "just get used to it sweetheart"

Tried to persue him upstairs to find out what he found so aggressive about that one scentance to be told " I don't do conflict well' and after 15 years you should know this.

Am I seriously misreading things or what (this is not the first time he has stormed off /refused to discuss so not new just this particular instance strikes be as rather odd). Sorry so long!!!

OP posts:

AmyElliotDunne · 21/03/2015 23:40

Sounds like a bit of a fuss about nothing. You're both getting worked up over very little.

Make him a cup of tea and forget it then try and Google how to sort it out.

WorraLiberty · 21/03/2015 23:42

I think it was just a simple bickering moment that neither of your should pay any more mind to.

I have to say though if someone needs space at any given time, pursuing them isn't fair imo.

Far better to wait until you're both in a better mood and then discuss if you still want to.

Original poster

MrsBennington · 21/03/2015 23:42

computers sorted - that's not the problem - it's his attitude to me.

OP posts:

NotNob · 21/03/2015 23:43

You're probably not BU but maybe be more aware of your tone. Dh and I had a similar argument this morning. I become upset at his tone rather than his words and I don't do conflict well either. He is excellent at conflict; eloquent, conviction in his beliefs and self - confidence bordering on arrogance. I am more sensitive and take things as a personal attack and my response is to become defensive or walk away. I'm working on it though as it's a defect of mine. Not sure if that answered your question but I related.

Original poster

MrsBennington · 21/03/2015 23:45

oh well maybe some people don't mind being treated like rubbish and not able to say a sentence (without even raising your voice ) that makes husband storm out for bed with nasty words - obs IABU

OP posts:

Charlotte3333 · 21/03/2015 23:48

Is he under any stress or does he generally struggle to confront stuff? DH here is a bit useless if he's stressed over work or money and it can be a bit like living with Diana Ross until I point it out then he gets his shit together.

Adults ought to be able to talk about stuff without having tantrums; if he's doing it regularly, you're not being unreasonable to insist he stops. Can you leave it tonight then talk it through in the morning when you're calmer?

WorraLiberty · 21/03/2015 23:52

The thing is, some people leave a situation when they can feel themselves getting upset/angry/uncomfortable.

They have the right to do that (it's also often the sensible thing to do at the time), so pursuing them is like invading the space they need at that given time.

My ex husband used to do that to me. He wouldn't give me the space I needed and would even follow me to the bathroom and stand outside the door going on and on (I'm not saying you do this OP).

But really his need to 'chase me' was all about him and his 'need' to get everything off his chest there and then.

It always made matters worse though. Talking when we'd both calmed down was far more productive.

Teeb · 21/03/2015 23:52

Technology left him a bit frazzled and fed up, he didn't know how to solve it and let you know. You told him that wasn't good enough for you and you wanted it sorted, what's he meant to do?

Original poster

MrsBennington · 21/03/2015 23:53

OK so the problems MY tone not HIS - none of you have heard either of us so I'm just going to leave this now. but for info he is one of those people who are always "right" and you are not allowed to criticise or disagree or he will storm off (as per today)

OP posts:

AmyElliotDunne · 21/03/2015 23:54

I would be upset too if my DP spoke to me harshly, but I know it wouldn't come out of nowhere. It would be because he had perceived me to be moody or because he (or I) was otherwise tired and stressed. You're both sensing hostility from the other and acting accordingly.

I'm not saying it wouldn't bother me, but it's not worth making a big deal about. You both need to chill and let it go. You think he's being disrespectful to you and he thinks you're being snappy with him. Without being there we can't judge if one or either of you is more out of order than the other.

However, I agree that following him when he wanted to get some space probably didn't help.

Teeb · 21/03/2015 23:55

You don't sound confused then op, you know exactly how you feel.

WorraLiberty · 21/03/2015 23:57

I think you're still wound up OP

Why not sleep on it and think/talk about it tomorrow?

Lots of things seem different after a good night's sleep.

Fairenuff · 21/03/2015 23:57

You don't have to raise your voice to be aggressive. Tone and body language will do it just as easily.

Summerisle1 · 21/03/2015 23:58

If you used the same tone with your DH as you've so quickly slipped into using on here, it may go some way to explain things.

sykadelic · 22/03/2015 04:15

I'm definitely getting a bad tone from what you're writing here. You seem to be a bit sarcastic and unable to accept blame.

I thought his "sweetheart" thing was sweet but then typing doesn't convey tone and it seems like you thought his tone was him talking down to you.

After he told you it wasn't what you said, it was your tone, you "pursued" him upstairs to further pester him about it. He told you he didn't like your tone, and yes, sometimes this can be a gaslighting thing but he was trying to help you and was getting frustrated and you snapped, essentially saying you wanted more than he could give you. Seems like a bit of an overreaction.

So, YABU.

ChairOfTheBored · 22/03/2015 07:34

Your posts read as if you're still worked up about this OP. Hopefully a bit of sleep and time will see you both in a calmer frame of mind and able to talk to each other about why you were each upset.

I don't think either of you WBU, but both giving vent to frustration in different ways.

Imustgodowntotheseaagain · 22/03/2015 08:10

I'm going to go against the grain and say YANBU. He didn't say "I'm sorry, I don't know how to fix this." He effectively told you to put up and shut up, and then had a tantrum. I had an ex like this, that's why he's an ex.

seriouslypeedoff · 22/03/2015 08:27

From your op and subsequent posts I would say yabu. Because the 'tone' of your posts has flipped to being aggressive here. Which makes me think you could be aggressive during the situation you describe. I could be wrong. But you say you are confused. Then say its definitely him. So you aren't really confused and if you think its definitely him, its best to wait to you calm down and speak to him about how it makes you feel and see if you can work out something going forward.

Maybe you came here for some validation of your feelings and didn't get it? But we weren't there so can't say 100% who was bu or if the problem is you/him/both of you.

Fwiw me and dh have situations like this, not often. But occasionally and its usually when we are both annoyed or stressed and neither person is right. We are just worked up. If someone says they need space, I would say give it to them. Gives you both a chance to chill out. I am usually the one to walk off. But now I say 'i just ned some space' and dh gives me it. He knows I am not stropping off and will come back down (I usually go to our bedroom and throw myself in the bed) when I have chilled out , I just want some space to calm down.

Brices · 22/03/2015 08:34

He felt rubbish because he couldn't help you. He could of spent ages trying to help you. He chose not to.
It's not you or him it's the tyranny of technology!

seriouslypeedoff · 22/03/2015 08:36

Just seen that the OP has left because she isn't happy with the response. Ironic.

PurpleSwift · 22/03/2015 08:40

YABU. He sounded stressed after trying to fix something for you and when he couldn't/didn't you made it clear that wasn't good enough. It comes across as ungrateful for his efforts and rude. He wanted some time out and you kept pushing the issue when it sounds like he just needed to unwind.

BathtimeFunkster · 22/03/2015 08:45

none of you have heard either of us

Sure.

And nobody heard both of you.

You don't know exactly how you said the thing that upset him, you only know what you intended.

They often don't match.

I read this as a row where the computer was at fault and you are both victims of crappy technology.

He was trying to help you, and it sounds like he took your frustration with the computer as frustration with him.

Don't let the machine come between you.

(It's all part of their takeover plan )

DoJo · 22/03/2015 08:58

oh well maybe some people don't mind being treated like rubbish and not able to say a sentence (without even raising your voice ) that makes husband storm out for bed with nasty words - obs IABU

Of the three responses before your post above, two said it sounded like a bit of a fuss over nothing and maybe you should both calm down before discussing it again, and one said you were 'probably not BU'. In response to this, you have effectively attacked those three posters and passive aggressively accused them of being doormats in their relationships.

If this is how you respond to neutral parties who are reading your account of events and trying to help, then I am guessing that you probably were being aggressive. Even with the benefit of hindsight at the delay of having to type, your response was needlessly snippy and rude.

TwinkieTwinkle · 22/03/2015 09:06

YABU. I'd also suggest you reassess your attitude. You came here asking for opinions, you didn't like them and got quite aggressive and nasty. If you can do that on a website I would assume you probably do it in real life.

pinkdelight · 22/03/2015 09:07

From similar scenarios with my IT savvy DH trying to help change-resistant me with new tech, I'd say it's probably both of you BU. It's frustrating for them to try to help people who don't get it, and it's frustrating for us to have to open up to new things. Bickering inevitably follows. No big deal. He was right to go and you were wrong to pursue himand make a bigger deal of it. And you do sound easily irked in your posts.

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