....to ask if this is normal?

[EatDessertFirst]

My DB recently got engaged. I just recieved a message from future SIL about their engagement party. On the end it said 'haven't had any present ideas yet'.

Do you give presents at engagement?? Is a wedding present not enough?? What do we buy?? I may be just massively naive. DP and I never recieved nor expected presents when we got engaged, but we got loads of cards which we kept.

Help MN!!

My MIL gave us an engagement party as they live in another country and many of their relatives would not be able to attend the wedding. Every one except maybe one did give a gift (which surprised me, I didn't expect any).

Also for the wedding most every one gave my inlaws a gift to give to us, even if they had given us an engagement party gift, but they were 'smaller' gifts, which was still more than I even expected.

I think it is in bad form to mention gifts any where but on the shower invitation, but this is just me. It is so common now, that it is taken for being correct, but really, it's not.

If you do want to bring a gift to the engagement party, fine, if not that is fine too. Again, I was surprised most people did from dh's side of the family. I'd make it small, just a token gesture. You are under no obligation, whatsoever, in a wedding, to give any gift unless you are invited to the shower - then you ARE obligated because that is what a shower is for - to shower them with gifts for the new house. But that being said, I've never heard of going to a wedding and not bringing or sending Some kind of gift. So if you want to for the engagement party, do so. If you can't, or don't want to you are under no obligation whatsoever to do so.

Nice idea splodgeses.

Its not helping that their wedding will be a massive show a few months before ours with all the possible trimmings and ours will be an intimate family-only ceremony and afternoon only reception somewhere not very posh. I'm not bitter but I'm just worried enough without extra costs.

It was the same for us.

The aforementioned money pot was bought for my BIL and SIL. We had already invited guests to our low key wedding (very very VERY low key) and they announced their speedy engagement and wedding, 2 weeks earlier than ours.

I wasn't bitter either, but I was horrified at the cost of attending their wedding when we had our own to finish paying for. What can you do, eh?

Its such a minefield! I know some people, SIL included love massive weddings/hen dos etc but its not for us. I'm trying so hard to get it all right and not piss anyone off! Argh!

I gave my cousin a nice vase but only because he had an actual engagement party. And the PILs bought us a lovely Dartington Crystal vase for our engagement, but no one from my side even sent a card!

We had an engagement party as we needed to introduce family members before the wedding. Receiving presents didn't even cross our minds!

Party was over DMs house, nothing spectacular.

If I was in your position I would just get them a bottle of reasonably priced champagne.

We give engagement presents if there is a party - and sometimes to close friends if not.

What skinny said

We got some bottles of champagne and maybe a picture frame. That was lovely but we certainly didn't expect or ask for anything. You definitely don't give out a list or ideas.

Some flowers would suffice.
Its the thought that counts !

One gift. Whether you give it at the time of engagement, before the wedding, at the wedding, or arrange to be delivered once they have returned from their honeymoon, one gift.

Dont let any grabbyhands tell you any different.

Feels a bit like relentless march of consumerism to me. Everything turned into an event for spending money. I would never dream of expecting friends to get me engagement presents. Or do an engagement photo shoot, or a lavish three day hen night.... just get married ffs and invite people then!! I am a hopeless old fart though.

I think its something that happened years ago before "living together" became the norm.
Years ago when I became engaged to my first husband we got engagement presents from family only, to start what was known as " A BOTTOM DRAWER" ie gifts to assist in the setting up of your household. they were n't huge presents.

its definitely not the norm now.

I think its bad form to have a present list etc. for an engagement party. I have always got presents though (a rubber hammer and brick for one).

For our engagement party we got lots of chocolate, wine and a welsh loving spoon. (I still have the last, and remember the Thornton's chocolates in an edible box!)

I remember getting one from my parents and possibly MIL but don't recall any others. We didn't have an engagement party though. I didn't see the point when we'd be having a party at the actual wedding, I agree that it's getting a bit out of hand these days what with weekend long hen dos abroad etc. Like you have to make a huge performance about everything and record everything for Facebook of course.

She's got a cheek dropping hints via text, that they're expecting presents!

It's traditional to give householdy stuff for an engagement present apparently. We got a lush pig-shaped chopping board, some coasters, and a slotted spoon! Can't remember any other presents. All unexpected and used to this day!

Yes, the bottom drawer :) I love that, I would have loved to live in the age where that happened!! Not really necessary these days as most people have already set up a home before marriage.

Coumarin I guess that's one difference from wedding parties of old: the 'party' after the wedding might actually not be that big and the B&G might not stay for all of it. At my parents wedding they pushed off for the honeymoon quite early and missed most of the party.

For their families it was more a case of needing to entertain guests who'd travelled a long way and less about a party FOR the B&G. I think my parents didn't really feel very involved in their wedding at all.

Marsh We only really had an evening party for those reasons too. I would've sneaked off early if we could have.

We have an as yet (7 years on) unlit 1ft tall candle in puke yellow with love doves, dolphins and engraved hearts on. We had no engagement party or gifts, except this one, so it is very special to us. I think it lives in the boxes of assorted clobber in the cupboard under the stairs. Find something as special as that for her.

Give them a Yankee candle.

Tea towels are always useful.
Get them just one, maybe a nice tacky one that has Greetings from Southend printed on it.
Or if you are posh, Greetings from Swanage.

It must vary between some hard to define social grouping... is it regional? Nobody I know had an engagement party nor gifts, and nobody expected to. .. Most people didn't "announce" an engagement - they just invited people to their weddings.

Engagement party plus gift plus travel plus overnight hotel, stag and hen dos plus separate travel and overnight hotel each, wedding plus outfit plus travel plus overnight hotel plus gift... attending other people's weddings must run into thousands per couple for guests who attend and gift for everything.

Mugs sound a good idea - keep your finger crossed she doesn't send out a gift list as it sounds highly doubtful that anything on it will be £2.99... :o

I've usually just given a card or a bottle of wine, cava or prosecco. I think I picked one up in a special at Sainsury for £6.00 was really nice.

An no I don't think it's the done thing nowadays, you gift if you want to. I'd text back: 'For the wedding? I wouldn't worry about that yet, enjoy the party first.'