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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU or is my friend over a holiday

85 replies

JustNameChanged · 21/03/2015 17:16

I am a regular posted but have NC because my DF sometimes lurks.

I'm a single parent to 1 DS my DF is a single parent to two DS. All the kids get along great. I have some family support but she doesn't have a lot.

I've travelled a fair bit in be past pre DS and with DS and it doesn't really bother me. When I first took DS I knew it would be abit of hard work but I wanted to go on holiday so we went .

My DF is very nervous, doesn't like doing much with her DC because she says she struggles on her own. Neither of her DC are particularly badly behaved but she's nervous and says she struggles with simple things like managing them at the park and soft play so she doesn't go unless me and my DS go so she has a hand.

She's been saying how much she wants a holiday but needs support for herself to mange the boys so we should all go together and then she'll have my help, I said I wasn't to sure what my plans are this year and might struggle financially this year. Anyway she told me to work out my finances and get back to her. I never brought it up again but a few weeks later she did, I said I still didn't know and a couple of unexpected bills I doubt I'd be able too. Then she got really annoyed saying she needs a holiday so I should try and get the money to go and said to ask my DM so she would be even more help with the kids.

There's no way my mum would go to help with someone else's kids, she likes my DF but not enough to want to spend 1-2 weeks with her and her kids.

I've told her unless I win some money on the lotto or something there's no way I can go even though I could manage a very cheap week away just me and DS she's got majorly pissed said well that's mine and my boys holiday screwed for this year thanks and hung up

I think my DF is BU in only wanting me to go on holiday with her to help look after her kids and trying to get my mum to go for that same reason but she obviously thinks it's me

So WIVU?

OP posts:

FenellaFellorick · 21/03/2015 20:12

She is HUGELY unreasonable.
If she cqnnot care for her children then she should ask outside agencies for support. They are there to help.

I suspect she has got tunnel vision about this and cant see outside her own needs and think about things from your pov.

She struggles. She needs help. She cant cope. Its so hard for her. Harder than for anyone else. You look like you cope really well. Why wont you help... Etc

she needs to understand what shes asking from you financially is not fair. That asking you to pay to go somewhere and be her nanny is unacceptable.
Atm it seems she cant see anything but what she wants.

DakotaFanny · 21/03/2015 20:14

Absolutely NU. She is being very very rude! Do not go on holiday with her. How dare she?

Staggering!

dustarr73 · 21/03/2015 20:15

Her kids her problem. We all have to learn.She cant guilt tripp you if you dont let her.
Plus her 2 dc dont trump your dc.She has toclearn this.So you have to say it to her. As bad as it is now you will definately fall out if you go away.So what have you got to lose.

mommy2ash · 21/03/2015 20:16

she is being unreasonable to expect you to go but if it were my friend and I knew she was struggling and I liked her enough to call her a friend and I knew I would be going on holiday anyway I would love to go together.

I do happen to really care about anyone I call a friend though

MaryWestmacott · 21/03/2015 20:22

Well, if she can afford to take her DCs on holiday, doesn't want to take them alone, but wants them to have a holiday, suggest she gives the money to her ex so he could take them... (don't really do this!)

She's just wrapped up in her own need she's ignoring that she's not being a very good friend to you. You've told her you're skint, yet she's pressuring you to spend money you don't have to keep her DCs happy.

She could take them away if she wanted, she doesn't want to. She doesn't think it'll be fun for her, so she's not going.

Phase her out, if her DCs are school age, they are perfectly old enough to be told not to run off/wander off, not toddlers.

Original poster

JustNameChanged · 21/03/2015 20:26

I've never given the impression I would go on holiday as a group. When she's mentioned it I've always encouraged her to just bite the bull by the horns and go herself. I've even suggested that she tries going away for the weekend to the seaside but she doesn't want to do that and I've suggested booking just a three night break that way if it is a nightmare it's three days not two weeks.

The DCs do want to go because she's asked them in front of me "boys do you want to go on an airplane and go somewhere nice and hot? And wouldn't you love it if we could go with Just and XXX that wouldn't that be such fun" que two excited boys jumping round shouting yeh yeh and me saying ooo I'm not to sure about that this year

OP posts:

IHaveBrilloHair · 21/03/2015 20:27

Fuck me, no way, she is so unreasonable.
I am going on holiday with a friend, I have health issues which she will help me with if needed, but that's not why we are going together, it's so our DC can have fun doing their own thing, and so friend and I are company for each other, no money issues with it either

ClashCityRocker · 21/03/2015 20:32

Oh god I had a friend like this. Single mum to one dc, aged four.

Didn't want to go away on her own, fair dos.

Wanted me to go halves on a chalet in butlins for a week with her and dc. Now, I've been there once before and for me, personally, it is my idea of hell. I've no dc myself and prefer holidays to be more relaxing and drinking .

I explained that I couldn't justify spending that much on a holiday just for me, and that I needed to save my annual leave for other prebooked items. I did also point out that it wasn't really my scene. She said that if I didn't go, DC would not have a holiday that year as she couldn't cope with her on her own.

Next time I went round, the four year old is on at me 'aunty clash, mummy says you're coming on holiday with us, I'm so excited...' I said something about maybe mummy had got confused, but I wasnt. I felt like a right twunt though.

loads of fb statuses from her ensued 'so need a holiday' 'so sad me and dc can't go away this year' 'it's horrible when dc is crying because everyone is going on holiday and we can't'.

I booked a break with dh - for our wedding anniversary and significant birthday - it was to a log cabin hot tub type thing in the highlands where we intended to drink lots and spend some quality time together, a real couple-y type holiday, great for us, but boring as shite for a four year old.

She found out through a mutual friend and rang me asking to come, with her dc, then kicking off because I said no.

We don't speak anymore.

Original poster

JustNameChanged · 21/03/2015 21:13

Wow Clash, why she would want to come away on a weekend like that is beyond me. Even if I was invited I'd feel so awkward and in the way

OP posts:

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 21/03/2015 21:20

Bonkers as conkers.

SavoyCabbage · 21/03/2015 21:21

I go away quite a lot with friends and our dc and it is far from restful! More people means more work. More cooking and going to buy milk. More rolling round on the sofa wrestling and more using every duvet and every chair in the place to make a den. And far more exciting so nobody manages to go to sleep before midnight.

It's fun and that's why I do it, but it's not relaxing like it is when it's just your own dc.

FenellaFellorick · 21/03/2015 21:24

Thats very manipulative of her.
It is totally unacceptable of her to attempt to use her children to emotionally blackmail you.
Remember that you are not responsible for any disappointment her children suffer as a result of her saying those things to them and you not complying.

Original poster

JustNameChanged · 22/03/2015 11:40

I'm sure she thinks I'll change my mind and go

OP posts:

gamerchick · 22/03/2015 12:05

Then it's tough. She'll have to learn.

seriouslypeedoff · 22/03/2015 12:30

The problem you have now , is that if you find money for a holiday for you and ds. She will kick off. But are you really going to let her stop you having a holiday alone?

Or she will do it all again next year. I think you need to tell her straight that you don't want to.

Original poster

JustNameChanged · 22/03/2015 15:54

If I find the money to go then I will be. No way would I let me and my DS miss out on holiday but I wouldn't tell my friend until the day or so before and just make out I got a ridiculously amazing deal so went

OP posts:

CruCru · 22/03/2015 16:32

I've been thinking of this. It's actually quite peculiar to expect someone else to bring their mum to provide childcare. I'm surprised that she doesn't think it would be awkward, having your mum there and knowing that she is there to help with her kids.

miniavenger · 22/03/2015 17:27

SIBU, completely, her issues are not your problems. The fact she can't deal with them doesn't mean you should have to dredge up money and suffer through an un-fun holiday.

Watch out though, from the sounds of things she'll start telling your DS soon that you are to push you!

Original poster

JustNameChanged · 22/03/2015 17:41

CruCru I think she's mentioned this because me and DS have been away on a short break with my mum before and she has said how lucky I was to have some extra help and u said yeh of course it was nice but I've been abroad just me and DS too

OP posts:

kissmethere · 23/03/2015 13:03

Yanbu she is relying very heavily on you and guilt tripping you because you can't accommodate her. she's rude as well! As if your mum would do this to help her go away! There are some organisations who help single parents to get away with the children and help with costs especially in her situation. I'm afraid I'd back away because she is being very unfair to you.

DuchessDisaster · 23/03/2015 13:11

Your friend is very out of order.
What does she mean by not being able to "manage" her DS? Surely she is in charge & should dictate what happens, when.
I think she is being totally outrageous at insisting you all go on holiday, where her aim appears to be delegating looking after her children to you.
How old are all children concerned?

londonrach · 23/03/2015 13:13

Yanbu. Back away from this user!

Only1scoop · 23/03/2015 13:14

Yanbu x1000000

Your 'friends' behaviour is dreadful.

MaryWestmacott · 23/03/2015 13:21

Duchess - the OP said both DCs were at school, so friends youngest is at least 4, that's really old enough to be expected not to run off and to behave.

If she can cope with them at home, she can cope with them in a villa/apartment. Or she could go with a tour company that has kids clubs for the daytime. Is it really evening company she wants?

Tokelau · 23/03/2015 13:26

It's definitely her and not you.

It's completely unreasonable of her to blame you for her lack of holiday. I would just try and book something quietly for you and your DS. Don't mention until you get back, or she will turn up there too!

There was a thread a while ago about two friends on holiday, and one was being totally unreasonable about expecting childcare from her friend. I can't remember the details, but it was ridiculous! Does anyone remember that thread?

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