AIBU or is my friend over a holiday

[JustNameChanged]

I am a regular posted but have NC because my DF sometimes lurks.

I'm a single parent to 1 DS my DF is a single parent to two DS. All the kids get along great. I have some family support but she doesn't have a lot.

I've travelled a fair bit in be past pre DS and with DS and it doesn't really bother me. When I first took DS I knew it would be abit of hard work but I wanted to go on holiday so we went .

My DF is very nervous, doesn't like doing much with her DC because she says she struggles on her own. Neither of her DC are particularly badly behaved but she's nervous and says she struggles with simple things like managing them at the park and soft play so she doesn't go unless me and my DS go so she has a hand.

She's been saying how much she wants a holiday but needs support for herself to mange the boys so we should all go together and then she'll have my help, I said I wasn't to sure what my plans are this year and might struggle financially this year. Anyway she told me to work out my finances and get back to her. I never brought it up again but a few weeks later she did, I said I still didn't know and a couple of unexpected bills I doubt I'd be able too. Then she got really annoyed saying she needs a holiday so I should try and get the money to go and said to ask my DM so she would be even more help with the kids.

There's no way my mum would go to help with someone else's kids, she likes my DF but not enough to want to spend 1-2 weeks with her and her kids.

I've told her unless I win some money on the lotto or something there's no way I can go even though I could manage a very cheap week away just me and DS she's got majorly pissed said well that's mine and my boys holiday screwed for this year thanks and hung up

I think my DF is BU in only wanting me to go on holiday with her to help look after her kids and trying to get my mum to go for that same reason but she obviously thinks it's me

So WIVU?

She is massively unreasonable. 2yrs ago I was a single parent with 2 kids with severe special needs. I took them on a 4hr flight myself on holiday. It was bloody hard work, and I was utterly shattered when I came home. But they had a blast and made some awesome memories :)

Does your friends name begin with N? Because I'm in a similar situation...

Yanbu, and if you go away with your ds and she kicks off, you'll have to put her straight.
"How is going so I can help you with your kids a holiday for me?"

She's finding it tough being on her own with 2dcs all the time.

I think unless you've been in this situation it's hard to grasp how desperate you can get for a break.

She is bu but she deserves empathy not scorn.

No, she deserves scorn - for putting a massive guilt trip on someone who's supposed to be her friend.

A holiday is not a necessity.

No ShouldI begins with A not N

I understand how stressful it is being a single parent but her DCs are in school now and if she ever needs someone to watch them during the holidays and I can then I do but this isn't a lot. Her DCs do spend some days on weekends with their DF

FFS - when DS was 2 I took him and his sister (age 7 and with complicated medical issues) to USA on a fly drive by myself. Getting luggage and buggies through orlando airport was a bit of a hassle, but really, a holiday is no different than at home, just with some better weather. Ive travelled alone with my two every year since then, and been to loads of different places. Its really not difficult.

If she cant cope then she needs some help to learn to cope, not trying to guilt trip people into doing her job for her

And you go and have a lovely holiday yourself OP

The thing is I no his wont be the end of it. I'll get messages about how fed up she is/how desperate for a holiday she is but can't go alone. This will last up until the last week of the summer holidays then it will be how the DC keep asking to go after hearing their friends stories and how she'd love to go at the next half term

I've heard all these since last summer when I booked at went alone then

Maybe it's time to tell her straight.

It's not your job to enable her to live the life she wants.
Have you tried turning the conversation to getting her anxiety sorted so she can manage on her own each time she tries the guilt trip?

What on earth are you getting out of this friendship ? She sounds like a right barrel of laughs

We've spoke about her anxiety but she isn't keen to discuss it so my advice RE holidays is just go and then you don't have a choice but to deal with it but she says two is impossible she can't watch them both if one wonders off ect ect...

The thing is she can be great, we have a good laugh and a joke the kids get along great. We speak often but I've been distancing myself over the last few months which is a shame but something I've just felt best to do with some situations that have come up

I think she possibly has come to rely on you too much and thinks you can organise the holiday then she'll get a rest.

Unfortunately she cannot force you to go on holiday and I would tell her straight that you won't be guilt tripped.

YANBU, she sounds like hard work.

She needs to learn to cope with them by herself. It's not your job to look after her and her family. That sounds like a terrible holiday. You could compromise by saying if she wants a holiday and needs your support, she can pay but otherwise no.

She sounds mad as toast!! You didn't agree to anything, sounds like she's convinced herself you'll be up for it and now is annoyed you're not.

It won't be your fault if she doesn't go on holiday. It's entirely her decision.

I think you need to draw out some boundaries. She might know she was being unreasonable but was overcome with disappointment.

Can you send her a message saying you are sorry she is disappointed but there must have been a misunderstanding as you hadn't agreed to go on holiday? Also, that you have felt under emotional pressure from her implying that it is the only way she'll go on holiday - it is too much and a bit intense.

God no, making you feel guilty for going away is not what a good friend is like

I was expecting you to say she had a baby or toddler!

Why on earth can't she manage to look after two school age children on her own?

That is just bizarre. She can't take them to soft play either??

So without you the children get to go absolutely no where is that right?

And can I ask what sort of role she expects you to take when out with her children

Do NOT allow her to make you feel bad.

Just keep repeating that she can take her own kids on holiday, if it's what they all really want. Nothing, and nobody, is stopping her, other than her.

YANBU ... This happened to me about 5 years ago - same situation but DCs a bit older ( early teens) I had organised separate apartments for us all so my DS and I could have some space. She just used to send her DS x 2 over to me so she could have a rest!! She appeared to be in constant conflict with her DS - arguing, tears, sulking whereas me and my DS just seem to get along. Needless to say I declined invites to any future hols in fact I had to phase out the friendship altogether - it was exhausting!
Stick to your guns OP!

So she's upset because you won't spend your own money (that you don't even have) on childminding her two kids for two weeks?

Your friend is crackers.